That moment when the sun is shining,
Then the rain starts to fall.
That beautiful mix of sadness and light.
That’s what I want. In a person.
My aunt Georgia had 7 children. Her youngest son, Nathan was born the same month as me.
He was only 6 years old when he was riding his bicycle in front of their house and was hit by a car.
My aunt heard the crash and the screams and she went running out to the road.
But there was nothing she could do. It was too late.
Her youngest child died in her arms.
One week earlier, Nathan had brought home a craft he had made at school. It was a Mother’s day bouquet of flowers he had made out of an egg carton and colored pipe cleaners.
Like all children, he was always bringing home drawings and crafts from school and many found their way into the garbage can.
After his death, my aunt frantically dug through the kitchen garbage can, tears streaming down her face, desperate to find the egg carton flowers she had mindlessly thrown away the week before.
She found them and she sat on her kitchen floor, clutching them in her hands as she cried and cried.
Life is cruel to us this way.
About ten years after Nathan’s death, while they were out for the evening, my aunt’s home burnt to the ground. Nothing was left.
Only rubble and the charred remains of what had been their home.
Everything was lost.
But somehow, two things were salvaged and found in perfect condition: Nathan’s baby spoon and the bouquet of egg carton flowers.
Life surprises us this way, making us believe that perhaps miracles do happen.
* * *
On the day of my aunts funeral a few years ago, in her open casket lying next to her, was the bouquet of egg carton flowers that Nathan had made.
She had saved and preserved them for almost 30 years.
I was sad that she had passed. But she had lived a long and beautiful life. But when I saw the egg carton flowers, it moved me to tears.
* * *
Each one of us is unique. And we will meet very few people who will fit perfectly into our lives, much like a missing key.
Like a missing piece that perhaps we didn’t even realize we were missing – until we are lucky enough to find it.
And when you find someone like this – your missing piece – you fucking hold onto them for dear life.
And if you should lose your missing piece, you desperately hold onto the things that remind of you them: like old photographs, or an article of clothing that still bears their scent, or maybe a cherished object.
Most times, the object we cling so dearly to, was something that meant nothing to us while that person was still in our lives.
Like egg carton flowers.
* * *
And now you are gone and I think of you every day. And there are no egg carton flowers to haunt me.
Only memories and dreams and plans and promises and words spoken.
And words not spoken.
No matter the circumstances – by death or otherwise – losing someone you love is painful.
There is an ache in your heart that never goes away.
And the beautiful memories torture you, keeping them alive in your mind.
Imagining they are close enough to touch, but never seeing their face again.
Like a beautiful angel that is just out of reach.
It tortures your soul and tears you apart. But you have no choice but to live with it every single day.
Because, what other choice do you have?
You never get used to the pain or that feeling of loss and it feels just as raw as it did the day you lost them.
And with each day that goes by, part of your heart dies a little more.
I remember when my sister first started dating her husband. She was in nursing school and he was an exchange student going to college in Syracuse, living in the U.S. on a temporary Visa. They hadn’t been dating very long when she brought him home for the first time to meet our family. When we were alone, I remember her telling me how he first told her that he loved her.
He told me he loved me and I said ‘But you barely even know me.’
His response was “What I do know about you, I already love.”
I’ll never forget that because it was terribly romantic and sweet. And I was still a teenager and I hadn’t experienced real love yet.
And as I am writing this I realize that I don’t remember the first time my ex-husband told me that he loved me.
Maybe because it wasn’t memorable.
Or maybe because it doesn’t matter now.
Or maybe for a hundred other reasons.
But I will always remember that exchange between my sister and her first husband that had occurred years earlier.
I think it’s one of those moments where you should remember. It should be memorable and sweet and meaningful.
Because it’s a milestone of sorts in a new relationship.
It’s like the official beginning of a new relationship.
That’s it. That’s all I have.
Just a sweet memory about my sister that I wanted to share. -MMP
It’s really easy to snap at someone. Especially when it’s a complete stranger.
I recently purchased a designer handbag on ebay listed as new. I happily won the auction and received it two days ago.
When I opened the package, I carefully examined it. I was planning on re-selling it and wanted to make sure it was in fact in perfect condition.
Although it appeared new-ish, it was not perfect. I found some scuffs and scratches (although minor) on the exterior and the leather was bent and had permanent folds in it, which could only be the result of prior use. I immediately contacted the seller:
Here is our conversation:
Hello. I received the bag promptly; thank you. However, it’s listed as “NEW W/O TAGS”. This bag was clearly used before. There are some minor scuff marks on the exterior and dirt/dust on both sides of the inner pockets. Minor flaws, but still NOT new. The interior zipper also does not zip completely closed. It sticks in the center and is very difficult to close. And lastly, the bag has many bends and folds, which I assume are the result of use. I recently lost my job and I have been buying & re-selling beautiful (NEW) handbags. Unfortunately, I cannot re-sell this as “NEW” because it has clearly been used.
Dear Ms_MP,I swear the bag has NEVER been used. I paid over $250 for the bag and the scuffs are all natural part of the leather. Maybe I should have put it a bigger box and that is my fault, but it is new and has the designer tag on it. I put it online because I am also unemployed. I’m sorry about the condition but feel free to call me so I can talk to you about this in person.- Chi_OwlDear Chi_Owl,No worries. Maybe it’s because it was placed in a too small box. I really don’t want to be “that person”, so I will keep the bag and I’ll try to re-sell it.
I am so sorry you are unemployed, too. I will give you a good rating. I feel for you. I may end up losing my home, so I do understand. Thanks for responding so quickly.
Best of luck to you.- Ms_MPDear Ms_MP,I am sorry too for you, too and I really mean it.I had a very well paying job and I bought stuff that was expensive and never thought about the consequences. I actually did move out of the condo I owned last year and am living in a very small apartment now. Who knew how fast a life can change. I have been selling stuff on and off on ebay and am not by any means an expert.Thank you for understanding, I really appreciate it. I will have to look at your ebay page. Maybe I can promote you on Facebook to help your sales. We all have to try and help each other.- Chi_OwlDear Chi_Owl,I have two children, an un-supportive ex and I have also struggled. I used to be a shopaholic too so I understand what you are saying. The only good thing is that I own a lot of beautiful things I can now sell. Ha.When I turn my financial situation around (and I WILL), I will be much more conscious about how I spend my money.
Best of luck to you, too. Oh- there are two other sites you can use to sell your designer bags and other things: Tradesy and PM.-Ms_MPDear Ms_MP,Thank you for the suggestions, I really appreciate it. Best of luck to you and your girls. You should be proud of yourself! you are showing them that you are a strong woman and working on taking care of them, even if it mean selling your stuff, plus getting away from a man that doesn’t support you.In the end stuff doesn’t mean anything, family is more important. Sorry about the crappy ex. I hope you find love with someone who really appreciates you. I do a lot of energy /healing stuff now – so I will send you some distance reiki.Love and light to you and your girls.- Chi_OwlDear Chi_Owl,Wow. Who knew my “complaint” email would turn into this. I agree: Material things mean nothing. Yes, I still love beautiful things, but I would trade them all just to make enough money to take care of my girls without relying on anyone else.I wish you only good things, too. Thanks again.- Ms_MPDear Ms_MP,That’s funny because I was thinking the same about you and how touching it was to hear your story. It made a difference in my day as well. Yesterday I was feeling like there were no kind people out there and then today I met you.I’ve really enjoyed chatting with you and again I wish you well.- Chi_Owl
A funny thing happens when someone you just met finds your blog.
Last night I re-read my posts here and many of them were very difficult for me to read.
I didn’t recognize my own words.
Then I realized I’m not that person anymore.
I’m not gloomy and sad and depressed anymore. Thankfuckinggod.
Everything has changed, but for the better.
And I no longer believe that all things happen for a reason.
Because I never deserved to be mistreated that way.
No one has ever lied and deceived me, disrespected and used me before.
You are not a very nice person. But somehow I wanted to see and find the good in you.
And now I know, the only good thing about you – was me.
But you no longer have me.
And do not think for one second, dear, that the universe will allow you to get away with all you have done.
Karma has a way of repaying those who have done harm and you will pay for the damage you have caused me and to others.
I forgive you. Because I know how miserable and unhappy you are.
And I don’t need to know how horribly your life ends up. Because I simply do not fucking care anymore.
Forgiving you was the first part. And now I’m forgetting you. Forfuckingever.
You were never worth my time, my adoration or my tears.
And I don’t hate you. I feel nothing for you. You no longer exist in my world.
And I don’t know what I’ll be doing next year, or where I’ll be, or who I’ll be with.
But I know I’ll be even happier than I am today.
Because the farther away you are in my past, the happier I become.
A funny thing happens when you stop caring.
You are finally able to breathe again. And to smile.
And move on.
And I am happy again.
And it’s the most freeing feeling in the world.
“I forgive people by forgetting about them.”
One of life’s great cruelties is that great love is often followed by great pain.
Love can be the most amazing feeling in the world.
And the loss of that love can be equally crippling.
There is no easy way to cope with loss.
Alcohol and drugs only numb the pain temporarily.
I was never one to do drugs. My entire drug history consists of smoking pot a handful of times when I was too drunk to even notice. So drugs are not an option for me.
But allowing yourself to feel raw sadness can be overwhelming, leaving you feeling hopeless and empty.
I was always the happy girl. The social butterfly. Smiling and laughing and carefree.
But life takes unexpected turns. A seemingly meaningless event – a chance meeting, or one wrong decision – can change us forever.
And we are never the same again.
Some events cause great joy. And some cause great pain.
Coping mechanisms are just a temporary fix.
I have found some small comfort in writing.
But it is not nearly enough.
And for the first time in my life I understand the logic in taking ones life.
The person who ends their life does so, because that is the only way they know how to end their pain.
I used to think that equalled weakness.
But it takes a lot of strength and resolve and courage to take your life.
Death can be a comforting thought. The thought of a perfect life in the after world, and more importantly, eternal peace.
And the possibility of being reincarnated and the gift of a second chance at happiness – all give hope to someone who only feels pain.
And unlike love and happiness, pain is often not fleeting.
Happy moments are just that: brief moments in time that begin and end.
But for some, pain is a constant. You can distract yourself and keep busy. But underneath it all, the pain is always there.
It may be the loss of a child. Or the death of a loved one.
Or losing the only person you ever truly loved.
The cause is different for each person – but the pain is equally debilitating.
It can be unbearably overwhelming.
And there is no magic pill or a switch you can flip to turn it off.
Telling someone to move on, that things will get better or that there are others worse off, are all as empty and hollow and meaningless as scribbles on a scrap of paper.
There is nothing you can say to make someone feel better. Empty words only make someone feel worse.
And nothing can can bring someone back into your life after they have gone.
You can’t create love and you can’t erase pain.
But perhaps after death, we have a new chance at finding the happiness that eluded us in this lifetime.
Maybe death isn’t an end. Perhaps it’s a new beginning.
A fresh start.
A chance to finally find love and happiness in a world that cheated us out of that opportunity the first time.
Perhaps we shouldn’t fear death- but instead accept it and embrace it.
And hope that maybe we will find love, happiness and meaning in our life if given a second chance.
Why is it so hard to let go?
Why do you still love someone who never cared about you?
Why do we have to hurt this way?
How did we get to this place?
Why can’t we forget about the past and just start over?
Why is it such a struggle just trying to be friends?
Why can’t we just allow ourselves to be loved?
Why did all of this happen to us?
Why can’t you stop talking and simply hold me and hug me until all my hurt goes away?
Why can’t we stop looking back?
How do we pick up all of these pieces and fix this?
Why did we have to hurt each other?
Why did we both have to be so stubborn?
Maybe I never loved you and maybe you never loved her.
Maybe we just needed to meet each other to help each other get through a difficult point in our lives.
Maybe none of it even matters.
Maybe nothing matters at all.
Why can’t we try….. just one more time?
Where do we go from here?
Why, after all we have been through- after all the hurt, the lies, and the pain- am I still willing to give this another try?
Why do I still care?
Why was it so easy for you to give up and walk away?
Why do I still see something in you that no one else can see?
Isn’t that worth something to you?
Why do I still have so much hope?
Maybe that is the biggest question of all.
Man and woman
Or boy and girl?
So childlike in some ways that perhaps they needed each other
As most children do.
Blindly finding their way.
Who fell in love
Who destroyed that love
Each by their own destructive ways.
So different that perhaps they belonged together
Or who were so wrong for each other
They were bound to crash and burn.
Damaged, stubborn, fragile, lost, distrusting, isolated, independent, fearful, strong-willed, heartbroken, misunderstood
Who once loved and laughed and held hands
Who were fiercely passionate and in love
Are now alone.
Will never be the same.
It hurts to think and it hurts to breathe and I sat on my kitchen floor this morning and I cried.
And cried and cried.
And just when I thought that the worst 7 months of my life were over, and that things might get better,
I fell apart all over again.
And maybe this is the low I needed to reach.
But it feels different this time because the tears won’t stop.
It feels like nothing will ever get better and all I can feel is how much I hurt inside.
And I am different.
And I will never be the person that I used to be.
One day you wake up, and the world is a different place.
Nothing is recognizable.
I don’t know who I am and I don’t know my children.
And I don’t know why I am here or what my purpose is and nothing matters anymore.
And I don’t know how to fix this.
Nothing makes sense and words mean nothing and talking is pointless.
It feels like I am drowning and I need a friend to reach out their hand to me and tell me everything is going to be okay.
Even if it isn’t.
Because right now, those are the only words that I need to hear.
Nothing will ever be the same.
And maybe that is the point?
Maybe we need to change in order to turn into the people we are meant to be.
Maybe we need to fall apart and crumble so that we can salvage the pieces that mean the most to us, and leave all of the hurt behind?
When Harry Met Sally:
Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don’t.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: No you don’t.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail ‘em too.
Sally: What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Harry: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.
Harry: I guess not.
Sally: That’s too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.
I know many will disagree, but ask yourself this:
If you were drunk, would you sleep with your ‘friend’? Under any circumstances, would you ever have sex with your friend?
You know the answer is yes. You would have sex. And that makes a true friendship between men and women impossible.
Harry is 100% right. Men and women can never be JUST friends.
Before you start leaving 47 comments about how you disagree, consider this:
My last boyfriend of two years had a female ‘friend.’ Turns out he was fucking her for the entire time he was dating his previous girlfriend. Then he started dating me. At that time, I had no idea he was fucking his “friend.”
He tried convincing me over and over again that they were “just friends.” Then he went on an overnight trip with her. While we were dating.
A month later, he went on a longer trip with her. They stayed in the same hotel room. For five nights.
At the time, I loved him and I trusted him.
I wanted to believe him so badly that “nothing” happened between them.
But it turns out they were not ‘just friends’ and they never were.
We broke up 6 months ago and he immediately started seeing her and having sex with her again.
Last night was New Years Eve. I invited him over to have a nice dinner with my girls and I, in an attempt to make amends.
My daughters were so heartbroken when he moved out, I thought I owed it to them to try one more time.
Love means trying. Not giving up on someone, even when they’ve hurt you.
Love means second and sometimes even third chances.
So I invited him for NYE to mend a fractured relationship because a part of me still cares for him.
But he turned me down.
He chose to take his ‘friend’ on an overnight trip so they could ring in the New Year.
They have been ‘friends’ who have been sleeping together for 3 years.
Three years. Including last night. New Years Eve. The biggest night of the year.
Now try convincing me they are ‘just friends’.
Happy New Year.
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