Aww.  My very first How To blog. I suppose one must be an expert of sorts to write a How To blog.

Looking back from elementary school to present day, if being late for practically-every-single-thing-in-my-life EVER counts as experience, I, my dear friends, am an Expert at Being Late (capitalized out of respect).

How To Be Late for Practically Anything and Everything:

1. Check Email.

Okay, everyone knows how vitally important it is to check your email 2-73 times per day. And it is especially important to check it immediately before any important engagements you may have.  Like, say 5 minutes before you have to leave for work. That’s actually the best time to stop, pour yourself a cup of coffee and sit down in a nice comfy chair to read and reply to every single email you have every received.

2. Coffee.

Speaking of coffee, it’s kind of insane to think you can actually go anywhere or do anything without first having a cup of coffee. But who drinks just one cup of coffee? That’s the equivalent of eating just one M&M or just one slice of pizza.  NO ONE does that. And since you’ll be having several cups, it’s probably best just to make an entire fresh pot. And that takes time. So what if you’re late? YOU HAD TO MAKE THE COFFEE.

3. Ignore the clock.

Clock, schmock. Constantly checking the time is a HUGE time waster. You have plenty of time. So why repeatedly check the clock? That just takes MORE time. Instead, estimate how much time you have left before you have to leave. The best formula is: Estimate how many minutes you have – Divided by the number of things you still have to do – Subtract the number of minutes you need to get ready and VIOLA. Now you know exactly how much time you have AND you actually SAVED time by NOT checking the clock, so ADD another 2-7 minutes to that. You have so much extra time now, you could practically take a nap and read an entire issue of Cat Fancy and STILL be on time. *Maybe.

4. Change outfits at the last minute.

Seriously. Are you REALLY going to wear THAT? Did you not put any thought or effort into your outfit? I mean, COME ON. You look awful. Okay, maybe not awful, but mediocre at best. Strip down and stand naked in your closet and shout “I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR” as you search frantically for something acceptable. Bonus points if the one and only outfit you need is dirty and buried under a 2 foot pile of unclean bed linens in the laundry room.

5. Accidentally let the dog loose.

Poor Fido. He doesn’t get nearly enough exercise as he should. Why not accidentally let him out 2 minutes before you have to be somewhere important? As he’s running like a bat out of hell down the street, stopping only to pee in your neighbors yard, run (slowly) after him, shouting “OMG, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO GET THERE ON TIME. WE MAY AS WELL STAY HOME.”  Depending on how fast your dog runs, and what type of weather conditions you’re having – rain, wind or a dreaded tsunami- any type of inclement weather will make you even MORE late since you now have to RE-DO YOUR HAIR. This just might be the best way to get out of going anywhere.

6. Unforeseeable acts of nature.

Oh dear. Wouldn’t it be awful is some unforeseeable event occurred RIGHT before you had to leave? Like, The Weather Channel announcing a Category 37 Hurricane is approaching and EVERYONE MUST TAKE COVER IN THE BASEMENT, RIGHT THIS MINUTE.  But you can’t count on that happening. But even worse than watching a tornado blowing you car away forever and ever, what if you suddenly realize that the shoes you picked out actually DON’T match the tights that DON’T match that skirt that REALLY don’t match your earrings?  Or chipping a nail and you JUST GOT THAT manicure TWO DAYS AGO and it’s her fault because SHE RUSHED THROUGH YOUR MANICURE.  Or you switched YOUR lunch with your kids school lunch and there is NO WAY IN HELL I’M GOING TO EAT A GRAPE UNCRUSTABLE A-FUCKING-GAIN.

By the time you check your email, finish your coffee, fix your hair, change your shoes, find a clean pair of pants, make a new lunch and finally catch the dog, it seems pretty obvious that, unless there is some MIRACLE, there is NO way you will EVER make it to work, your doctor’s appointment, the chili cook off, grandma’s funeral or your husbands/wifes/brothers/uncles company picnic on time.

So before you waste any MORE time, slip on your favorite sweat/yoga pants, break out the Snuggie and the Cheeto’s and get ready to enjoy a few hours of The Bachelorette/Mad Men/Shark Week.  Or, something we all love, the Lifetime Tyler Perry/James Bond/Golden Girls marathon. Now stop wasting time and GO.

Most might think of me as deep and serious and melancholy and heartbroken, based on what I write. But you people don’t know me at-fucking-all.