Unhinged

 

A strange thing happens when I cry
My eyes turn a dark blue green
And it’s impossible to hide the fact that I’ve been crying

 

What is it about the feeling of love that makes us feel invincible

When suddenly everything in the world just glows
Including you
And when we lose that feeling of love – real or not- it seems like the entire universe crumbles and falls apart around you
And for a short time it seems nothing can make you smile
Because all you feel is the loss of something missing

The ache of emptiness that temporarily consumes you

When you cry so much that your heart and your head just ache


There are some moments of sadness when it feels like you’ll never recover
But deep down inside you know you will

Because you always do

But in that moment you feel like you want to disappear
And you replay it all over and over again in your head
Wondering what you did wrong and wishing you had done something differently
Worrying about the most pointless things
Like maybe you weren’t good enough
And how you spent hours preparing and trying to make everything perfect
When the reality is none of those things matter
Not one little bit
It doesn’t matter how beautiful he thinks you are or how perfect your body is or is not or if you or how much you care or how hard you tried
The truth is you probably didn’t do anything wrong and sometimes you can do everything right and it still doesn’t matter
Because it has nothing to do with you and absolutely everything to do with the other person
You have no control over what the other person says or thinks or does
No control over what they do or if they decide to leave

And I understand why men think women are crazy sometimes
Because love makes us crazy
It makes you say and do unthinkable things because you can’t possibly think clearly when you are in that state
When someone you cared about walks out of your life forever
When something that was meaningful and important is suddenly
Gone
You become unhinged
It’s like stopping your car in the middle of the road or reading a book only halfway through
You can’t abruptly slam on the brakes and stop somewhere in the middle
You can’t make sense of something when a huge part of it is missing
You have to go all the way through and complete the entire journey
Love and relationships need to run their natural course

In the end you have to accept that there are certain things that you’ll never understand
Some people do things and you have no control over their actions or why they did it or the outcome
All you can do is control how you think and how you react

And it’s not that much different than being in an accident when you’ve been thrown from your car and you’re in a situation that’s suddenly unrecognizable and foreign and confusing

It’s impossible to brace for the impact

And it takes time to recover and to make sense of something you don’t recognize or fully understand
All you can do is to allow yourself time to grieve and heal


And you know you’ll recover because you’ve felt this way before and you’ll feel this way again

But that doesn’t make it easier

Because you only meet amazing people a very few rare times throughout your life

People who have the ability to touch you in some invisible way, who change you forever

And no matter how many times you’ve imagined it happening, it’s always devastating and it always hurts like hell

Because you can’t walk into someone’s life and share a part of it, then just walk out without feeling some kind of loss

People are not cars that you take out for a test drive

A persons life isn’t a revolving door where you can swing in and out without affecting them in some way

And your presence – and eventual absence- in someone’s life does matter

It changes us in some small or significant way

And the people we cared about and maybe even loved – even for a short time –  in some small way, stay with us forever

“Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”

Louis de Bernieres

Unhinged: Random Thoughts on Love, Loss and Pain – Just some random personal thoughts strewn together.

 
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Brokenhearted Girl

Nothing is more irresistibly beautiful and alluring and empty and sad

Than a brokenhearted girl

Nothing

She is hopeful and hopeless

Passionate and depressed

Nostalgically longing for the past

As the days and weeks trample her shattered dreams

One by fucking one

Until one day she wakes up

Surrounded by strangers and noise and interruptions

Swirling all around her

The wind, tossing her hair

Longing to touch her beauty

She rejects them all

Instead, choosing her memories

Imprisoned in her own mind

Tragically, courting her own sadness

 

– MMP

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Missing Pieces

My aunt Georgia had 7 children. Her youngest son, Nathan was born the same month as me.

He was only 6 years old when he was riding his bicycle in front of their house and was hit by a car.

My aunt  heard the crash and the screams and she went running out to the road.

But there was nothing she could do. It was too late.

Her youngest child died in her arms.

One week earlier, Nathan had brought home a craft he had made at school. It was a Mother’s day bouquet of flowers he had made out of an egg carton and colored pipe cleaners.

Like all children, he was always bringing home drawings and crafts from school and many found their way into the garbage can.

After his death, my aunt frantically dug through the kitchen garbage can, tears streaming down her face, desperate to find the egg carton flowers she had mindlessly thrown away the week before.

She found them and she sat on her kitchen floor, clutching them in her hands as she cried and cried.

Life is cruel to us this way.

About ten years after Nathan’s death, while they were out for the evening, my aunt’s home burnt to the ground. Nothing was left.

Only rubble and the charred remains of what had been their home.

Everything was lost.

But somehow, two things were salvaged and found in perfect condition: Nathan’s baby spoon and the bouquet of egg carton flowers.

Life surprises us this way, making us believe that perhaps miracles do happen.

* * *

On the day of my aunts funeral a few years ago, in her open casket lying next to her, was the bouquet of egg carton flowers that Nathan had made.

She had saved and preserved them for almost 30 years.

I was sad that she had passed. But she had lived a long and beautiful life. But when I saw the egg carton flowers, it moved me to tears.

* * *

Each one of us is unique. And we will meet very few people who will fit perfectly into our lives, much like a missing key.

Like a missing piece that perhaps we didn’t even realize we were missing – until we are lucky enough to find it.

And when you find someone like this – your missing piece – you fucking hold onto them for dear life.

And if you should lose your missing piece, you desperately hold onto the things that remind of you them:  like old photographs, or an article of clothing that still bears their scent, or maybe a cherished object.

Most times, the object we cling so dearly to, was something that meant nothing to us while that person was still in our lives.

Like egg carton flowers.

* * *

And now you are gone and I think of you every day. And there are no egg carton flowers to haunt me.

Only memories and dreams and plans and promises and words spoken.

And words not spoken.

No matter the circumstances – by death or otherwise – losing someone you love is painful.

There is an ache in your heart that never goes away.

And the beautiful memories torture you, keeping them alive in your mind.
Imagining they are close enough to touch, but never seeing their face again.
Like a beautiful angel that is just out of reach.
It tortures your soul and tears you apart. But you have no choice but to live with it every single day.
Because, what other choice do you have?
You never get used to the pain or that feeling of loss and it feels just as raw as it did the day you lost them.
And with each day that goes by, part of your heart dies a little more.

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Love Pain Death

One of life’s great cruelties is that great love is often followed by great pain.

Love can be the most amazing feeling in the world.

And the loss of that love can be equally crippling.

There is no easy way to cope with loss.

Alcohol and drugs only numb the pain temporarily.

I was never one to do drugs. My entire drug history consists of smoking pot a handful of times when I was too drunk to even notice. So drugs are not an option for me.

But allowing yourself to feel raw sadness can be overwhelming, leaving you feeling hopeless and empty.

~

I was always the happy girl. The social butterfly. Smiling and laughing and carefree.

But life takes unexpected turns.  A seemingly meaningless event – a chance meeting, or one wrong decision – can change us forever.

And we are never the same again.

Some events cause great joy. And some cause great pain.

Coping mechanisms are just a temporary fix.

I have found some small comfort in writing.

But it is not nearly enough.

And for the first time in my life I understand the logic in taking ones life.

The person who ends their life does so, because that is the only way they know how to end their pain.

I used to think that equalled weakness.

But it takes a lot of strength and resolve and courage to take your life.

Death can be a comforting thought. The thought of a perfect life in the after world, and more importantly, eternal peace.

And the possibility of being reincarnated and the gift of a second chance at happiness – all give hope to someone who only feels pain.

And unlike love and happiness, pain is often not fleeting.

Happy moments are just that: brief moments in time that begin and end.

But for some, pain is a constant. You can distract yourself and keep busy. But underneath it all, the pain is always there.

It may be the loss of a child. Or the death of a loved one.

Or losing the only person you ever truly loved.

The cause is different for each person – but the pain is equally debilitating.

It can be unbearably overwhelming.

And there is no magic pill or a switch you can flip to turn it off.

Telling someone to move on, that things will get better or that there are others worse off, are all as empty and hollow and meaningless as scribbles on a scrap of paper.

There is nothing you can say to make someone feel better. Empty words only make someone feel worse.

And nothing can can bring someone back into your life after they have gone.

You can’t create love and you can’t erase pain.

But perhaps after death, we have a new chance at finding the happiness that eluded us in this lifetime.

Maybe death isn’t an end. Perhaps it’s a new beginning.

A fresh start.

A chance to finally find love and happiness in a world that cheated us out of that opportunity the first time.

Perhaps we shouldn’t fear death- but instead accept it and embrace it.

And hope that maybe we will find love, happiness and meaning in our life if given a second chance.

~

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The Kiss

About a month ago she met me at work. She waited so that we could go to dinner afterwards.

We didn’t do anything fancy. Just a simple evening with great conversation.

That was my favorite thing about her. I could talk with her for hours on end and never tire of her voice.

After dinner, we went back to my office to pick up her car. We took my normal route home from work.

About half way to my office, we came to an intersection at Snowy Hollow Road and Route 169. I stopped at the sign and jumped out of my car. I ran back to her car. She looked very concerned and asked me, “What’s wrong?”

I replied “Absolutely nothing. Everything is perfect.” Then I kissed her.

I kissed her like it was the last thing I would ever do.

She looked surprised. Floored is a better description.

Later that evening, she told me that was the sweetest, most romantic thing any man had ever done for her.

She told me how much she loved me and asked me to make love to her.

How do you go from that moment- one month ago-  to this, being apart, without any explanation?

I would do anything to see that look in her eyes again.

To see how much she loved me. I would die for that feeling again.

Just one more time.

Anon.

* * *

How do you go from feeling like this person is your entire world, to….. nothing?

[This was written by a friend. I will add his name, only with his permission.]

The Player

“I was a drunken whore master.”

These were Todd’s exact words to me, describing himself. [This is a post about him, a guy I’ve known for years, who repeatedly tried to sleep with me and repeatedly failed.]

I was impressed with his honesty. It also made me laugh. It was funny.

And also sad.

But there are thousands of Todd’s. They are everywhere.

Guys who would fuck any girl who is willing to put out.

And according to Todd, most girls are easy prey. All he’d have to do was buy them a few drinks and tell them they were pretty.

Two shots later and BOOM. She’s naked in your bed.

“So easy”, he’d say.

But empty. Sad. Pathetic.

Todd slept with 2, 3, sometimes even 4 girls, in a single week. Leaving a trail of broken hearts and some very confused and upset women, along the way.

He didn’t care. He didn’t want any girl. He just wanted to get laid. He talked about it as casually as discussing the weather.

Then one day, after a bad day at work, he stopped at a bar. He’d stopped there a 100 times before. He had seen her there a few times.

Sometimes they’d even make small talk. That particular night, the bar was empty. He moved a seat closer.

He bought her a drink.

She smiled and thanked him. One hour turned into two… Two drinks turned into… many.

He couldn’t remember the details. “All I remember is her….”

That night, Todd took her back to his apartment. On the way, he stopped at a liquor store. He ran inside and minutes later, returned with an expensive bottle of red wine.

“I don’t care for red,” she said.

“Should I run in and get you a bottle of white?” he asked.

He aimed to please. She politely declined. They left.

Todd had all the things you would imagine a Player to have: a brand new loaded BMW, a great apartment, an amazing job. And he was very attractive.

Short, dark hair. Perfectly dressed. Expensive jeans. A sexy, striped button down shirt. His eyes were dark. Smoldering.

He stared at her. She knew exactly what he was thinking. 

He popped open the bottle of wine.

She was nervous. She guzzled it to calm her nerves.

They made small talk. He moved closer. She darted away. She needed more wine.

She looked in his refrigerator. It was overflowing with beer and little else.

More wine. Flirting. Kissing…

Two hours later, they were naked in his bed. A huge beautiful, antique-looking wooden mirror leaned up against his wall. An odd piece for a Player to have. It showed he had dimension. Some class. An appreciation for beautiful pieces of old furniture.

She liked it.

She grabbed her black dress and heels, got dressed and left. She needed to go home.

He stood in the doorway, barely clothed and watched her walk to her car. He missed her before she had even left.

Todd stopped seeing other women. All he could think about was her.

She wasn’t the most beautiful girl. But she was quite striking. Soft blonde hair that grazed her shoulders. Pretty green eyes.

Her body bore the faint scars of having children. It was not perfect. He didn’t care.

He thought she was beautiful.

And she was smart, funny, cute.

Irresistible.

He couldn’t stop thinking about her. He wanted to see her again. He needed to see her again.

Soon.

He couldn’t wait. He texted her and emailed her. Sent an extravagant bouquet of calla lilies and white roses to her at work.

What the fuck had happened to him?

He didn’t even recognize himself.

Soon they were seeing each other frequently. The sex was amazing. Electric.

But it was more than that.

He was falling in love with her. And she felt the same.

Todd had never been the romantic type. But one night he told her: “I care for you so much, it scares me. I want you to know how much I love you.”

She was touched. “You are amazing, Todd.”

He replied, “No I am NOT amazing. When I look at you, all these words just come pouring out of me. I’m not amazing. I’m just being genuine. This is what you do to me. This is how you make me feel.”


If they are lucky, even the most promiscuous man (or woman), will meet a person who will change them.

Turn their world upside-fucking-down.

The trick is finding a person who will reciprocate that all-consuming love.

A person who earns it. Respects and protects it.

Makes you feel like anything is possible.

If you find that… hold onto it.

Never let it go.

[Update: A few months later, this girl dumped Todd and completely broke his heart. Perhaps proving that karma does in fact exist. I don’t know. It’s not for me to say.]

The Taste Of You #MMCM Mirtha Michelle: Mirtha Michel, Michel Castro, Letters

The Taste Of You #MMCM Mirtha Michelle: Mirtha Michel, Michel Castro, Letters