Love (Sex)

 My own random thoughts, silly and serious,

on two of my favorite subjects:

love and sex.

She’s only beautiful
if you’re wildly in love with her.
Otherwise, she’s just another girl.
___

Sex so good, your penis gets up an hour before you do and makes us both breakfast.

___

Maybe she writes about love so much because that’s the only thing that really matters.

___

The more you care about someone, the further you should push them away.

I just pushed this guy off a cliff.

I bet I really liked him a lot.

___

Spend the entire night with me, talking and kissing and snuggling in bed,

without trying to have sex with me, so I know it’s really real.

___

Earth Day Tip:

Show her you love her and the Earth by giving her a handwritten love letter on a recycled paper towel,

then use it to clean up the mess after sex. Xx

___

You can’t fit a million memories into one goodbye.

And it’s equally impossible to imagine a million surprises

hidden behind one new hello.

___

You’ll fall for her and she’ll completely fall for you.

You’ll break her heart and she’ll completely break yours, too. That’s just how love is.

___

I can ignore you so hard, you’ll think we actually had sex.

___

When we meet that one person

who has the ability to make us shine,

we become extraordinary together.

___

Mentioning sex in a conversation with a guy is like talking to your dog while holding a bone in your hand.

Both of them ONLY HEAR BONE.

___

It might be love when he tells you about all of the places he wants to take you

and all of the things he wants to show you.

___

The Bachelorette is so realistic.

I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve dated who’ve told me they were in love with BEFORE we had sex.

SO, SO MANY.

___

Ask any guy and most will have a story of how he was in love with an amazing girl —

And ultimately how he lost her.

___

Before falling in love, people should be forced to sky dive out of an airplane.

But only 23% of the parachutes actually work.

___

I used to think I wanted to be in a relationship.

Now my only goal is making sure I don’t text the other person more than he texts me.

___

I just told this guy he was too young for me to date.

He laughed and then I laughed and then we started making out on his Batman bed sheets.

___

In the story of us, we love.
We fall apart. We walk away.
Days, weeks and months pass until finally we discover
We could not live without each other.

 ___

It’s not really love unless he invites your dog to stay over, too.

___

Men are hard-wired to rush through sex.

But it’s so much hotter and sexier if you can make the girl so crazy that she initiates everything.

___

If you don’t think about her enough to want to

text her and talk to her at least once, every single day,

then don’t even fucking bother.

___

If you really want her badly enough,

you’ll find a way to have her.

___

If I ever say I love you while we’re fucking,

it’s only because I love you while we’re fucking.

___

I tell young guys I can’t date them because of their age.

They laugh and I laugh and 2 weeks later I’m buying a dress for the homecoming dance.

___

It doesn’t really matter if it’s your first time

or the last one you’ll ever have.

Nothing will ever fuck with your head more than love.

___

Relationship advice:

Don’t ever chase a man.
The one who knows your worth will never let you go.

___

All women really want is to be treated like your wallet or cell phone:
For you to freak the fuck out if you ever think you lost us.

 

___
Dating Tip: When a guy sends you a confusing text, ask 3-5 strangers
in the nearest bar/restaurant/coffee shop to help you interpret it.
___
A person who doesn’t believe that a man can be beautiful,
has never been wildly in love before.

___

A guy told me I can borrow his juicer.
He said it’s great for veggies and even better with fruits like pineapple.
PINEAPPLE? WE ALL KNOW HE JUST WANTS SEX.
___
There’s really only one quality a guy needs to have
that can almost guarantee a girl will fall for him:
He only wants her.
___
Prison Sex and the City
___
  
The first thing I ever said to him was I love you.
Because sometimes your heart knows before you do.
 ___
My go to move is not texting you back because I read guys love the chase but also
because I may have deleted your number. OMG PLEASE TEXT ME AGAIN.
___
I will open my heart to you.
I will hand you the moon, the stars and the sun.
And just as quickly and without notice, I will take them all away.
___
He fell in love with everything that you could never be.
In a world full of ordinary,
he fell in love with me.
___
The 1st month of a relationship is the best.
Everything after that is like knowing an asteroid is going to hit but not knowing exactly when.
___
The right guy will appreciate that there are times when I have to be alone,
just as much as the times when I desperately need to be with him.
___
Dating Tip: Invite a guy you just met to a wedding.
During the ceremony, whisper “I do too.”
Also, don’t wear any underwear. GUYS LOVE THAT.
___
We’re so afraid of doing things that make us feel good.
Eat cake.
Drink wine.
Have sex with a beautiful stranger.
We only get one life. Live it.
 
___
PS: I have never had sex with a beautiful stranger because
I’M NOT A WHORE.
___
The only drawback to having sex on a regular basis is daydreaming about sex all day
because you’re having sex on a regular basis.
___
Every once in a very rare while, two hearts become so entangled
it becomes completely impossible to separate them.
___
True or False: If he had sex with you, it means he cares.
True. He cares about whether or not you’ll have sex with him again.
NEXT QUESTION.
 
___
She climbs into bed, wrapping herself around him
Her head on his chest
So she can hear his heart beating
As the rest of the world fades away.
___
Speed dating: Because I only need 7 minutes to figure out I don’t like you
but I get to show off my pretty new dress to 47 people all at once.
___
Maybe we weren’t soul mates
But we fell in love anyway
Drawn together like the moon pulls the tides
And every moment after that was special.
___
Relationship goal: To never fall asleep during sex.
___
Make me fall in love with you, every time we are together.
And if you can do that, the rest will all fall into place.
___
Sometimes I get worried & ask the guy I’m dating
if I’m too dirty for him.
He laughs and I laugh and then we finish having sex in the barn.
___
I suspect that people who genuinely and passionately love each other,
probably hurt each other the most deeply.
___
Relationship goal: Become the guy.
*Do nothing, make zero effort and still get sex.
___
A fun thing to do when you’re dating someone new
is to take a weekend trip together,
get into a drunken argument, then cry all the way home.
___
It’s a beautiful notion to think you can be friends with an ex-love.
But if they were meant to be just a friend,
you would have never fallen in love with them.
___
The Top 4 Diets:
– The South Beach
– The I Can’t Afford Food Diet
– The Heartbreak Diet
– The I Met a New Guy & We’re Having Tons of Sex Diet
___
It’s very easy to say I love you when you don’t really mean it.
And almost impossible to say when you actually do.
___
I already know you’re going to break my heart.
And even that’s not enough to stop me.
___
OMG I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU SO MUCH PLEASE COME BACK.
– Girls, 5 minutes after they’ve broken up with you 17 times.
 
___
Say ‘I love you’ as many times as you want
but until you give me a hoodie
and leave your toothbrush at my house, YOUR WORDS MEAN NOTHING.
___
Sure, we could end this now
but then we’d miss out on all the fun parts like the crying,
the make up sex and traumatizing each other for life.
___
I don’t believe that you truly love someone
until you’ve laughed together, experienced pain together
and shared a part of your lives with each other.
___
Do yourself a favor.
Delete his phone number, put on something pretty and finally say yes to the guy
who’s actually wanted you all along. 
___
When your heart is completely focused on something,
everything else in your life becomes invisible.
___
Love her anyway.
___
We fell in love for all the wrong reasons
In the most beautiful, tragic, extraordinary way.
Anything else would have been an impossibility.
___
You could see 50 Shades of Grey
and watch others have fake movie sex.
Or you could go out, drink wine and
HAVE ACTUAL SEX WITH A REAL PERSON
___
Falling in love is the best way to end up
hating each other for the rest of your lives.
– Inspirational
___
One of the biggest flaws of the mind is
believing you’ll never get over someone.
The biggest flaw of the heart is not allowing yourself to.
___
At some point my life turned into eat, pray, love.
But more like drink, fuck, love.
Or fuck you, I loved you and now I hate you.
One of those.
___
Fall in love with someone emotionally unavailable at least once in your life
so you get the full experience of
what true heartbreak is like.
___
Maybe the true definition of love is they can still see all of the good in you,
even after you’ve screwed up
and they still love you anyway.
___
Sometimes it feels like the universe is trying to keep us apart.
But some stars were destined to collide.
No matter what.
___
Falling in – and out – of love is completely uncontrollable.
That’s the tragic beauty of love.
___
I think we are taught to love a certain way
But the best kind of love is one that makes you see,
feel and think about the world differently.
___
If you think saying I love you is difficult,
just wait until the day you have to tell that same person
that you stopped.
___
I had a sex dream about you last night.
And now I really want a hoodie.
___
 If you love someone, set them free.
Then keep sending ‘love you’ texts to remind them because
maybe they have amnesia and forgot to come back.
___
The best way to get over someone is to drink until you can’t walk
then throw yourself off a cliff.
I haven’t worked out all the details yet.
___
Many things will change your life.
But nothing changes you more beautifully than finding love.
___
 I hit a patch of ice and almost crashed my car
And my entire life flashed before my eyes.
OMG WHY DIDNT I HAVE MORE SEX WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE?
___
Every person deserves that one intensely passionate love affair,
that no matter how long it lasts,
remains forever imprinted in their heart.
___
Love is finding that one person
who you connect with
Who inspires you to become a better version of yourself.
___
If you get drunk and start crying over how your cat died
you can usually get out of the whole
“He bought me dinner and now I owe him sex” thing.
___
There’s a reason you let each other go.
Embrace it, move on knowing the person you were
truly meant to be with is out there waiting for you.
___
If you don’t follow up your “Good morning beautiful” with
a “Goodnight beautiful” text,
THEN NO, I WON’T BE YOUR STUPID FUCKING VALENTINE.
___
When you love someone completely, the entire world resides within their heart.
It’s not something you can explain. It’s something you feel.
___
Love is amazing. It can change your life 100%
And those who don’t understand that are the ones who’ve
never experienced that kind of love.
___
I’ve learned true love is seeing a broken person clearly,
knowing every ugly thing about them,
But still loving them beyond comprehension.
___
True love is when you accidentally break my heart.
But always finding a way to fix it over and over again.
___
Sext: I think I’m finally done crying.
___
I will always be that foolish girl
Who still believes in love.
___
It’s not really love unless you’re scarred for life.
And if you’re both scarred for life, then you’re probably soul mates.
___
I only tried ruining your life because
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
___
The less you know about someone, the easier it is to love them.
___
I will love you to the moon and back,
but mostly to my bed, then in the shower
then maybe the floor then back to the bed then…
Sexting is hard.

___

In a world where horrible things happens every day,

I want to believe in happy endings

and I need to believe in love.

So I guess I just will.

The Kiss - Gustav Klimt

The Kiss – Gustav Klimt

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I Always Fall for the Average Guy

I’ve dated. A lot. Hot guys, average guys, tall and short guys, smart and nerdy guys, quiet and shy guys. I’ve dated American guys, Canadian guys, British guys and Swedish guys. Okay, only one Swedish guy, but still.

I’ve dated lawyers, engineers, a Secret Service agent, a construction worker, a fireman (he was sweet), rich guys and poor guys. I even dated a body builder, who not surprisingly was dirt poor. We all label people, but the body builder was actually one of the most sensitive guys I’ve ever dated. We were together for almost 4 years. You don’t spend years with someone simply because their body is perfect, because I could have cared less. I stayed with him because he was respectful and sweet.

I’m a sucker for sensitive, funny and sweet. Throw in cute and it’s so over.

I’ve been quite fortunate to have traveled quite a bit during my life and I’ve met many men.  But you don’t have to travel far to find the guy who thinks he is super hot. You know: the one who also comes with a super sized ego. They’re the ones who get the most attention – good and bad – and more often than not, the equally superficial girls.

Personally, I think it’s the average, guy-next-door types who are the real hotties. Because understated is sexy and an overblown ego is not.

The Average Joe. What makes him so special?

How many times have you seen a drop-dead gorgeous girl with an average looking guy? It happens all the time.

Why? Because he’s really not that much different than someone like Steve Carell.

I recently told a guy he reminded me of Steve Carell and his response was “Fuck you.”

But not an angry Fuck you. More of a Haha, that’s funny fuck you.

Either way, why would any guy be offended by that? I’m betting that 90% of women reading this would love to date Steve Carell.

Am I right, ladies?

Steve Carrell is funny and smart and so fucking cute. But he’s not so disastrously good looking that it has totally gone to his head.

He’s also a family man (which is a rare find these days), a doting husband, successful, and all around great guy. All of which makes him the poster boy for the Average Guy.

But most importantly, Steve Carrell is respectful and humble. And those two qualities are ultimately what separates the jerks from the nice guys.

It’s not how a man looks. It’s how he behaves.

Gorgeous or not, women don’t want any guy who is full of himself. Women want a gentleman. They want a man with manners. They want someone who can make them laugh. And someone who can laugh at himself. Women want a man who is real.

Let’s face it, some guys simply try way too hard. I once dated a guy who wore more self-tanner than I do, bragged about his pricey custom made clothing and had an apartment that resembled a hotel room suite. Zero clutter. And zero personality.

We met on a dating site (and I admit, I winked at him first, because hot) and before we ever went out, he sent me an email saying he would never date a woman who had children because he was admittedly “too selfish.”  So I left it at that and moved on to the next profile.

Two weeks later, he emailed me again saying he would make an exception to his “never date single moms” rule and asked to meet for a drink. And although I should have seen the red flags waving, I’m the kind of girl who says “Fuck it”, so I decided to give it a whirl. On our first date, he spent an hour talking about the beautiful, but very dumb woman, he had dated the year before. He admitted she was completely clueless, yet she was “so beautiful.” His “Russian Princess.”
Apparently Russian Princesses are unable to operate an “oven” and don’t know how to “mail a package” (his words, not mine).

It amazed me that a man as educated and intellectual as he was, had wasted 2 years of his life with someone so incompatible. But at least she was hot.

I couldn’t get past the fact that looks were more important to him than a woman’s intelligence and personality.

We dated briefly, and although he wasn’t a bad person, he also had a huge ego. He genuinely thought he was hot shit in his $500 shirts.

PS: The GAP has those exact same shirts for like $30 on sale.

Confidence is sexy, but cockiness is so very not. Next, please.

It’s not difficult to find a hot guy or a pretty girl. Good looks are pretty standard these days. But finding someone who you can actually connect with, someone who makes you laugh, someone down to earth, someone kind, who you can have a stimulating conversation with, someone smart and funny, and someone that accepts you exactly the way you are, is not easy to find.

I once had a guy ask me for full body photos and one additional photo of my ass (yes, a close up of my ass) before he would agree to meet me. He justified himself by telling me he needed to know if he would be “attracted” to me. (I really hope my Mom isn’t reading this. Look away, Mom. LOOK AWAY.)

And I hate to admit this, but I sent him a photo of my ass in sexy underwear. Fuck, I hate myself. (Again with the whole “Fuck it” thing.)

I’m not proud of that – and that is the one and only time I have ever done that – but if I had to do all over again, I would have told him “No thanks” and moved on to the next person. Live and learn.

It sometimes feels like you have to look like a model to get a mans attention. Being smart and funny and interesting simply isn’t good enough anymore.

You have to be all of those and be beautiful, too.

Another guy’s dating profile read: “I don’t want a woman who’s a 10. I want an 11.”  Seriously?

Sadly this is what dating has come to.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Steve Carrell never asked Nancy Walls (his wife of 18 years) for an ass pic before he decided to go out on a date with her. But I could be wrong. Maybe he’s more of a boobs guy.

Guys who put that much importance on how someone looks could care less whether you dropped out of high school or have a Masters in Astronomy.

And they probably don’t care that you spent 2 weeks volunteering in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina or that you spend one weekend a month volunteering at a soup kitchen.

None of that stuff matters.

However, your body better be perfect.

I think most average guys genuinely appreciate a woman. And they’re respectful.

I wonder how Mr. Send Me an Ass Pic would feel if some guy asked his daughter that same question.

Average guys explore a woman’s mind. They ask her questions.

Instead of asking what her ass looks like, they are more likely to ask her what her favorite book is.

They don’t care that you’re not a super model. But they will tell you that you’re imperfections are what make you beautiful.

Because they’re not perfect either.

No matter what someone looks like (hot, average or otherwise), I honestly believe that like attracts like. I think self-centered people attract equally self-absorbed people. Ego attracts ego.

And I think nerdy, sweet girls attract equally nerdy and sweets guys. And so on.

And that’s probably a really good thing.

Because if that’s true, all of the vacuous Barbie dolls will end up with Mr. Look At The $500 Shirt I’m Wearing, leaving all of those cute, sweet, and funny average guys for the rest of us.

Lucky us.

Dear Steve, if you and Nancy ever split up, please call me.

Steve_Carrell

My Perfect Man: The handsome and charming Steve Carell.

Soul Mate

“It amazes me that people think their soul mate is going to show up in their life at this predestined time and be this flawless person.

A true soul mate is a mirror of yourself, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back,

The person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

But they have the one thing you don’t have:

Which is the introspection to help you become great.”

― Shannon L. Alder

“People eventually get sick of waiting.

Take a chance on someone,

And by the art of commitment become soul mates, which takes a lifetime to perfect.”
―  Criss Jami, Venus in Arms

“I love you, he thought, looking at her.

I love every part of you, every thought and word…the entire complex, fascinating bundle of all the things you are.

I want you with ten different kinds of need at once.

I love all the seasons of you, the way you are now, the thought of how much more beautiful you’ll be in the decades to come.

I love you for being the answer to every question my heart could ask.

And it seemed so easy, once he capitulated. It seemed natural and right.

And there was no more holding back.

He would take her.

And he would give her everything he had, every part of his soul, even the broken pieces.”

― Lisa Kleypas, Seduce Me at Sunrise

“I don’t know what circumstances occurred in your life for you to build such a strong brick wall around your heart,

but I do intend to tear it down.”
― Tina Carreiro, Power of the Moon

“It suddenly made sense.

Only twice in his life had he felt this inexplicable, almost mystical attraction to a woman.

He’d thought it remarkable, to have found two, when in his heart he’d always believed there was only one perfect woman out there for him.”
― Julia Quinn, An Offer From a Gentleman

“Maybe we weren’t soul mates, But we fell in love anyway.

Drawn together like the moon pulls the tides,

And you can’t control that.

We fell in love,

And every single moment after that was so amazing and special.”

N. Moneypenny, Miss Moneypenny Naked

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The Player

“I was a drunken whore master.”

These were Todd’s exact words to me, describing himself. [This is a post about him, a guy I’ve known for years, who repeatedly tried to sleep with me and repeatedly failed.]

I was impressed with his honesty. It also made me laugh. It was funny.

And also sad.

But there are thousands of Todd’s. They are everywhere.

Guys who would fuck any girl who is willing to put out.

And according to Todd, most girls are easy prey. All he’d have to do was buy them a few drinks and tell them they were pretty.

Two shots later and BOOM. She’s naked in your bed.

“So easy”, he’d say.

But empty. Sad. Pathetic.

Todd slept with 2, 3, sometimes even 4 girls, in a single week. Leaving a trail of broken hearts and some very confused and upset women, along the way.

He didn’t care. He didn’t want any girl. He just wanted to get laid. He talked about it as casually as discussing the weather.

Then one day, after a bad day at work, he stopped at a bar. He’d stopped there a 100 times before. He had seen her there a few times.

Sometimes they’d even make small talk. That particular night, the bar was empty. He moved a seat closer.

He bought her a drink.

She smiled and thanked him. One hour turned into two… Two drinks turned into… many.

He couldn’t remember the details. “All I remember is her….”

That night, Todd took her back to his apartment. On the way, he stopped at a liquor store. He ran inside and minutes later, returned with an expensive bottle of red wine.

“I don’t care for red,” she said.

“Should I run in and get you a bottle of white?” he asked.

He aimed to please. She politely declined. They left.

Todd had all the things you would imagine a Player to have: a brand new loaded BMW, a great apartment, an amazing job. And he was very attractive.

Short, dark hair. Perfectly dressed. Expensive jeans. A sexy, striped button down shirt. His eyes were dark. Smoldering.

He stared at her. She knew exactly what he was thinking. 

He popped open the bottle of wine.

She was nervous. She guzzled it to calm her nerves.

They made small talk. He moved closer. She darted away. She needed more wine.

She looked in his refrigerator. It was overflowing with beer and little else.

More wine. Flirting. Kissing…

Two hours later, they were naked in his bed. A huge beautiful, antique-looking wooden mirror leaned up against his wall. An odd piece for a Player to have. It showed he had dimension. Some class. An appreciation for beautiful pieces of old furniture.

She liked it.

She grabbed her black dress and heels, got dressed and left. She needed to go home.

He stood in the doorway, barely clothed and watched her walk to her car. He missed her before she had even left.

Todd stopped seeing other women. All he could think about was her.

She wasn’t the most beautiful girl. But she was quite striking. Soft blonde hair that grazed her shoulders. Pretty green eyes.

Her body bore the faint scars of having children. It was not perfect. He didn’t care.

He thought she was beautiful.

And she was smart, funny, cute.

Irresistible.

He couldn’t stop thinking about her. He wanted to see her again. He needed to see her again.

Soon.

He couldn’t wait. He texted her and emailed her. Sent an extravagant bouquet of calla lilies and white roses to her at work.

What the fuck had happened to him?

He didn’t even recognize himself.

Soon they were seeing each other frequently. The sex was amazing. Electric.

But it was more than that.

He was falling in love with her. And she felt the same.

Todd had never been the romantic type. But one night he told her: “I care for you so much, it scares me. I want you to know how much I love you.”

She was touched. “You are amazing, Todd.”

He replied, “No I am NOT amazing. When I look at you, all these words just come pouring out of me. I’m not amazing. I’m just being genuine. This is what you do to me. This is how you make me feel.”


If they are lucky, even the most promiscuous man (or woman), will meet a person who will change them.

Turn their world upside-fucking-down.

The trick is finding a person who will reciprocate that all-consuming love.

A person who earns it. Respects and protects it.

Makes you feel like anything is possible.

If you find that… hold onto it.

Never let it go.

[Update: A few months later, this girl dumped Todd and completely broke his heart. Perhaps proving that karma does in fact exist. I don’t know. It’s not for me to say.]

The Taste Of You #MMCM Mirtha Michelle: Mirtha Michel, Michel Castro, Letters

The Taste Of You #MMCM Mirtha Michelle: Mirtha Michel, Michel Castro, Letters