My own random thoughts, silly and serious,

on two of my favorite subjects:

love and sex.

♥

Sex so good, your penis gets up an hour before you do and makes us both breakfast.

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Maybe she writes about love so much because that’s the only thing that really matters.

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The more you care about someone, the further you should push them away.

I just pushed this guy off a cliff.

I bet I really liked him a lot.

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Spend the entire night with me, talking and kissing and snuggling in bed,

without trying to have sex with me, so I know it’s really real.

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Earth Day Tip:

Show her you love her and the Earth by giving her a handwritten love letter on a recycled paper towel,

then use it to clean up the mess after sex. Xx

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You can’t fit a million memories into one goodbye.

And it’s equally impossible to imagine a million surprises

hidden behind one new hello.

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You’ll fall for her and she’ll completely fall for you.

You’ll break her heart and she’ll completely break yours, too. That’s just how love is.

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I can ignore you so hard, you’ll think we actually had sex.

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When we meet that one person

who has the ability to make us shine,

we become extraordinary together.

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Mentioning sex in a conversation with a guy is like talking to your dog while holding a bone in your hand.

Both of them ONLY HEAR BONE.

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It might be love when he tells you about all of the places he wants to take you

and all of the things he wants to show you.

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The Bachelorette is so realistic.

I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve dated who’ve told me they were in love with BEFORE we had sex.

SO, SO MANY.

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Ask any guy and most will have a story of how he was in love with an amazing girl —

And ultimately how he lost her.

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Before falling in love, people should be forced to sky dive out of an airplane.

But only 23% of the parachutes actually work.

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I used to think I wanted to be in a relationship.

Now my only goal is making sure I don’t text the other person more than he texts me.

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I just told this guy he was too young for me to date.

He laughed and then I laughed and then we started making out on his Batman bed sheets.

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It’s not really love unless he invites your dog to stay over, too.

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Men are hard-wired to rush through sex.

But it’s so much hotter and sexier if you can make the girl so crazy that she initiates everything.

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If you don’t think about her enough to want to

text her and talk to her at least once, every single day,

then don’t even fucking bother.

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If you really want her badly enough,

you’ll find a way to have her.

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If I ever say I love you while we’re fucking,

it’s only because I love you while we’re fucking.

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I tell young guys I can’t date them because of their age.

They laugh and I laugh and 2 weeks later I’m buying a dress for the homecoming dance.

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It doesn’t really matter if it’s your first time

or the last one you’ll ever have.

Nothing will ever fuck with your head more than love.

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Relationship advice:

Don’t ever chase a man.
The one who knows your worth will never let you go.

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All women really want is to be treated like your wallet or cell phone:
For you to freak the fuck out if you ever think you lost us.

 

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In a world where horrible things happens every day,

I want to believe in happy endings

and I need to believe in love.

So I guess I just will.