How To Date A Jerk

Original title: How To Snag a Good Jerk Before All the Best Ones Are Taken. 

Why would anyone want to date a jerk?

Besides the fact that they are impossible to avoid, the truth is jerks can actually be very interesting people. They can be well read, smart, funny and charming.  They can make you feel really great about yourself, too. Right up until the time they start lying to you. And the cheating part isn’t much fun, either. It’s easy to overlook the negative when we only see the positives. Sweet. Romantic. Sexy. Generous. Thoughtful. In fact a jerk will use those great qualities to lure you in.

Nice smile = I bet he’s nice. He’d make a good boyfriend. Sexy = I bet he’s a great kisser. Sweet = Oh, he told me I was beautiful. *swoon* Thoughtful = He sent you a “Good morning” text. And he sent you your favorite flowers on your birthday. Generous = He took you to dinner and ordered the most expensive wine (all 4 bottles) and now you’re too drunk to drive and that’s not safe, so you should probably stay at his place tonight and OOPS, now you’re naked in his bed. How did that happen?

See what I mean?

I’m certainly not saying that having sex makes someone a jerk. One of the most meaningful relationships I’ve ever had started out that way (sort of, but not really). The point is it’s the ones who keep you guessing all the time, the ones who disappear for weeks & months at a time, the ones who can never give you a straight answer: All jerks.

It wasn’t easy becoming an expert on jerks, but somehow I managed. And the truth is, if we ever rid the earth of all the jerks, there would be very few men -or women- left. Dating jerks can not only be entertaining and fun (in the beginning) but it’s practically impossible to avoid, so choose wisely.

The key is picking the best ones. Jerks come in all shapes and forms. So at least try and choose one that treats his mother well and bonus points if he likes animals. But avoid the Deadbeat Dads at all costs. They fall into the Complete Loser Jerks category, another variety altogether. At least the jerks I dated all had jobs. Well, most of them.

The descriptions I’ve provided are broad, based on my own experiences, so the ones you meet may vary slightly. Here’s a quick overview, from least jerky to most jerky (although 1 and 2 might be tied for equal jerkiness):

How To Spot a Jerk:

1. Mr. Perfect 

Ah, Mr. Perfect, aka: Mr. Great Hair. He has all the physical qualities of The Perfect Man: the fabulous hair, a handsome face, he’s tall, and has a fit body. Physically ideal from head to toe.  He’s successful, has a great job, the modern bachelor pad, the fancy car, the designer clothes, the whole deal. This guy will make all your friends jealous. I mean, what woman would NOT want to date him? He’s never late and he plans every-single-thing (aka: boring). But, he’s too perfect. And he expects you to be perfect, too. Because he suffers from Narcissistic Perfectionism, he will end up criticizing and critiquing every single thing you do. Nothing is ever good enough for him because everything has to be done his way, perfectly. He has to be right all the time and he will remind you constantly. Because he’s unable to appreciate an independent minded woman who thinks for herself. Ultimately, he’ll end up with a beautiful, yet completely vacuous and dull girl, and they will live a very uneventful life together.  The bad news: She will bore him to tears and eventually, she’ll walk away with half of his money. And maybe his fancy car, too. So much for happily ever after. The good news:  He will always have great hair.

2. Mr. Charming

Aka: Mr. Sweet Talker. This guy thinks he’s God’s gift to women. And quite frankly, he could probably charm any woman (or man) into bed.  And he probably already has. If black books were still a thing, he’d have a list of fuck buddies 1,908 pages long. And he keeps his phone locked for that exact reason. He is an expert at schmoozing everyone: men and women.  Which is how he got you. He charmed you into thinking he’s Mr. Faithful, but he’s not.  Far from it. I mean a guy this great should be in a committed relationship, right? The reason he’s still single is because he can’t stay faithful to anyone.  He’s so charming, that even his lies sound believable. He’ll tell you (and all the others he’s sleeping with) how “beautiful” and “special” you are. He uses both reverse psychology and self-deprecation, to appear humble. He’ll tell you how awful he treated his ex, how HE screwed up, and how it was all HIS fault. He’ll tell you how much better he is now, how much he’s learned and how much he’s GROWN from that experience. He’ll say he’s a better man now and blah, blah, blah. He knows exactly what to say to charm you. Right into bed. It’s easy to fall in love with a sweet talker but he’s too in love with himself to love anyone else. He isn’t looking for a real relationship: just another fuck buddy. He’s having sex with so many women, he will slip up. And if you question him, he’ll schmooze and lie his way out of it, attempting to distract you with his charm. So be smart and don’t fall for that crap, beautiful. PS: You’re really special.

3.  Mr. Excuses

Although he’s so sweet and thoughtful in the beginning, you will soon find out that Mr. Excuses (aka: Mr. Liar) has a reason for everything. He had to cancel your date because “He has a big presentation at work tomorrow.”  He still texts other women because “They’re still just friends.”  He can’t see you next week (or the week after that) because “He’ll be out of town on business.” He isn’t looking for a girlfriend because “He needs to find himself first” or “He’s still trying to get over his ex.” He won’t commit to the relationship because “He might get a job in Timbuktu and they only cover a one-way plane ticket and it would break his heart if he moved away and couldn’t see you again.” He had sex with another woman because “You two were fighting and he was out of town and he had too much to drink and it didn’t mean anything.” He can’t invite you over to his place because “He got fired, got arrested, spent all his money on whores and now lives in his mother’s basement.” He has naked photos of other women on his cell phone because “He’s a jerk that has been lying to you and blahfuckingblah.” Need more examples? I think we covered this one.

4. Mr. Sensitive

More like Mr. Insecure. Don’t let his sweet sensitivity, good manners and his soft spoken demeanor fool you. This guy would actually be really great IF he didn’t have so many insecurities and issues. We all have shortcomings, but this man is defined by his. Maybe it’s because his mother didn’t love him enough, or it might be the voices in his own head. More likely it’s a combination of multiple things. The fact is many people have had a crappy childhood. Maybe it was sexual, mental or physical abuse or a parent who was never around. It could be a million things. We are all shaped by our past experiences. And while some people are capable of overcoming a difficult past, sadly some people are not. Not everyone is mentally equipped to conquer their emotional demons. (Which is why they invented THERAPISTS.) The worst part is that because of his issues, this man doesn’t respect himself, so he is incapable of respecting you. He is incapable of reciprocating love. He will most likely drink and use drugs as a source to cover his pain. Sadly, his issues combined with his alcohol and drugs use, will always keep him down. No matter what he tries to convince you of, his demons are his own. It’s actually difficult to find any humor in this one. So unless he seeks counseling and changes, this is one to definitely avoid. *waves 47 red flags* This man needs empathy, but more than anything, he needs to be left alone. RUN, FORREST, RUN.


After reading over all four (because I’ve only slept with four guys in my life, ever) it appears that many of the guys I’ve been with, all actually cross over into multiple categories. I imagine my exes reading this and trying to guess which one they are. The truth is, many men (and women) are smart, charming and sensitive. We have all lied at some point in our lives. So all four of the men I’ve been with – and everyone on the face of the earth – could potentially fall into 2 or 3 different categories. Including Mr. Control Freak and Mr. Immature. (Okay, FINE. I slept with six guys total. Whatever.)

It’s easy to label someone, but we are all human and everyone makes mistakes. And I could be labeled, too. Every person who has ever dated has committed some relationship crime. But the difference is I never cheated.  I never had an adulterous affair and I never saved the naked pictures as proof.  I was never unfaithful.  It was their own behavior –  the lying and the cheating – that ultimately destroyed every relationship.

Once someone has cheated and lied to you, it’s almost impossible to ever go back.

As you can see, I have had a very positive, happy and successful dating history. It makes you wonder why so many women call men names like jerk or liar, doesn’t it? I guess that will continue to remain a mystery.

The bottom line is that it all comes down to respect and honesty. Respect someone enough to always be upfront and honest with them. No hiding, no lies, no secrets. And if you can always do that, you might just become the Best and Most Honest and Loving Jerk Ever.

Next: How to REFORM A Jerk and Make Him a Better Man. Who knows? Anything is possible.Xoxo

Disclaimer: All names and identities have been changed to protect the jerks in each description, because jerks deserve privacy, too. Plus, I don’t want to get sued. (Again.) As I wrote this draft, I actually had each guy’s real name next to each description. So if there’s a way technology can go back in time and find that draft, revealing each one’s actual name, maybe I will end up getting in trouble after all. Oh, well.

Final Note: Given everything, I still believe in love. And more importantly, I think most men do, too. Even the jerky ones. Xoxo -MMP



How To Get Over an Ex

Contrary to popular belief, it’s actually very easy to get over an ex. Here’s how.

1. Realize it was NOT love.

If you were really, truly meant to be with someone, then DUH. You two would still be together. But you are not together. You are apart. And how can you love someone who left you? People break up for a reason. And that reason is: they were the wrong person for you. The right person would have stuck by you and would have never let you go. And even if it was love at one time, the love died. And dead things should be buried. So grab a shovel, dig a big hole and go bury it in your backyard. The eulogy is optional.

2. Make a list of all their bad qualities.

No one is perfect. And this is the best time to make an actual list of someone’s worst qualities. She was a liar. He cheated on you. You hated his shoes. (Seriously, they were really ugly.) She couldn’t cook. He sucked in bed. She wasn’t willing to experiment during sex. He drank too much. She had too many cats. He had a weird shaped head. She was emotionally unavailable. He was kind of a huge jerk. Okay, you get the idea. Create a list. And not just in your head. Write an actual list with pen and paper and post it on your refrigerator as a daily reminder. It may sound silly but it actually really helps. And each time you see it, it’s a happy reminder that you stopped wasting your time and moved on.

3. Delete & destroy all history.

This should actually be the FIRST thing you do. I dated a guy for 4+ years and saved every sweet email he ever sent me in a special folder. A week after our final break up, I deleted the entire folder. Four years of history all gone in an instant. At first, I panicked, but it was necessary. How can you move on when you keep re-reading old “I love you, my sweet little cupcake” emails? He/she does not love you anymore. You are no longer his sweet cupcake or sugar cookie. So delete everyfreakingthing. Delete all contact information from your phone. Delete all emails and all contact info from everywhere. Remove and BLOCK from all social media including Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare, LinkedIn, MySpace, YourSpace, and EverySpace.  If you’re truly going to get over someone, the only way to accomplish that is to remove all traces of the person from your entire life. Toss photographs, throw away old letters, burn his house down, and make a huge bonfire of any mementos from the relationship in your backyard. Make it FUN. Turn it into a block party. Invite all your neighbors and roast marshmallows over the fire as you laugh and watch it all burn, burn, burn. And don’t forget the hot dogs and beer.

4. Make a list of all the things you need & want to do.

Take a trip by yourself. Volunteer at an animal shelter and a soup kitchen. Paint and redecorate your bedroom. Buy a mountain bike and start biking. Go hang gliding. [I actually did all of those things.] Update your resume. Re-organize your closet. Learn French. Knit a Halloween costume for your cat. Write a book. Go out with your best friend and drink wine and make out with a complete stranger. You get the idea. Write out a list of every single thing you NEED and WANT to do. Update it daily and actually start doing everything on the list. Even if it takes you 6 months – 12 years to complete the entire list, you will be so freaking busy, you will not have time to think about the pathetic loser you were smart enough to remove from your life.

5. Allow yourself to feel sad.

It’s okay to feel sad. The longer the relationship, the more time needed to get over someone. My best friend dated a man for 7 years. A week after 250 wedding invitations had been mailed out, he left her for another woman. It took her one full year to get over him. That’s a little fast for a 7 yr. relationship, but a year is still a substantial amount of  time.  Be alone and allow yourself to cry. Moving on takes a lot of time and it’s best if you do it alone. You don’t want any hot guys (or girls) around watching you cry. No matter how hot you are, crying is NOT attractive and is best done alone. Or with a dog. Dogs are very sympathetic and can cheer you up. If you don’t have a dog, borrow one. Better yet, add “Adopt a dog from the animal shelter” to your LIST of things to do. Then both you and your dog can watch The Hangover and Anchorman together, because laughing is good, but seeing funny and sexy people in movies is even better.

6. Be alone.

Yes, I know I already wrote about being alone in #5, but the truth is being alone is a critical part of the healing process. You don’t have to join a convent or become a recluse, but you won’t be any good in your future relationships until you have A) learned to be alone, B) healed and completely moved on, and C) figured out who you are and what you want. And the only way to accomplish all three is time spent healing. ALONE.  But you can still hang out with friends and your new dog. Or cat. Or chinchilla. (CHOOSE THE DOG.)

7. Live your life.

After one breakup, I took root in my bedroom and cried for months on end. I stopped living. It was awful, but the worst part is that I wasted almost an entire year of my life just feeling sad. Looking back, I wish I’d written a list of all the things I wanted and needed to do and used that time to be more productive. I could have accomplished so much and I would have been way too busy to feel sad. Learn from my mistake: Create a list. And if it makes you feel better, add “Cry in bed for three days” to the list. But make sure it’s immediately followed by “Spend a week in Italy” and “Make out with a hot Italian stranger, drink Italian wine and take a gondola ride.” And if you can’t afford a trip to Italy, you can substitute that with “Spend the weekend watching Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead.” Because, right after a trip to Europe, nothing cheers you up faster than watching other people die

That was a few years ago and I’ve completely moved on. And aside from the jokes, it really does take some time to get over someone.

It’s okay to look back every once in awhile. And it’s okay to remember a special moment that once made you smile. As long as you continue to move forward, those memories will all eventually fade away and be replaced by all of the wonderful new memories you create, starting with today.

It’s really easy to forget. All it takes is some time.


How To Be Late For Almost Anything

Aww.  My very first How To blog. I suppose one must be an expert of sorts to write a How To blog.

Looking back from elementary school to present day, if being late for practically-every-single-thing-in-my-life EVER counts as experience, I, my dear friends, am an Expert at Being Late (capitalized out of respect).

How To Be Late for Practically Anything and Everything:

1. Check Email.

Okay, everyone knows how vitally important it is to check your email 2-73 times per day. And it is especially important to check it immediately before any important engagements you may have.  Like, say 5 minutes before you have to leave for work. That’s actually the best time to stop, pour yourself a cup of coffee and sit down in a nice comfy chair to read and reply to every single email you have every received.

2. Coffee.

Speaking of coffee, it’s kind of insane to think you can actually go anywhere or do anything without first having a cup of coffee. But who drinks just one cup of coffee? That’s the equivalent of eating just one M&M or just one slice of pizza.  NO ONE does that. And since you’ll be having several cups, it’s probably best just to make an entire fresh pot. And that takes time. So what if you’re late? YOU HAD TO MAKE THE COFFEE.

3. Ignore the clock.

Clock, schmock. Constantly checking the time is a HUGE time waster. You have plenty of time. So why repeatedly check the clock? That just takes MORE time. Instead, estimate how much time you have left before you have to leave. The best formula is: Estimate how many minutes you have – Divided by the number of things you still have to do – Subtract the number of minutes you need to get ready and VIOLA. Now you know exactly how much time you have AND you actually SAVED time by NOT checking the clock, so ADD another 2-7 minutes to that. You have so much extra time now, you could practically take a nap and read an entire issue of Cat Fancy and STILL be on time. *Maybe.

4. Change outfits at the last minute.

Seriously. Are you REALLY going to wear THAT? Did you not put any thought or effort into your outfit? I mean, COME ON. You look awful. Okay, maybe not awful, but mediocre at best. Strip down and stand naked in your closet and shout “I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR” as you search frantically for something acceptable. Bonus points if the one and only outfit you need is dirty and buried under a 2 foot pile of unclean bed linens in the laundry room.

5. Accidentally let the dog loose.

Poor Fido. He doesn’t get nearly enough exercise as he should. Why not accidentally let him out 2 minutes before you have to be somewhere important? As he’s running like a bat out of hell down the street, stopping only to pee in your neighbors yard, run (slowly) after him, shouting “OMG, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO GET THERE ON TIME. WE MAY AS WELL STAY HOME.”  Depending on how fast your dog runs, and what type of weather conditions you’re having – rain, wind or a dreaded tsunami- any type of inclement weather will make you even MORE late since you now have to RE-DO YOUR HAIR. This just might be the best way to get out of going anywhere.

6. Unforeseeable acts of nature.

Oh dear. Wouldn’t it be awful is some unforeseeable event occurred RIGHT before you had to leave? Like, The Weather Channel announcing a Category 37 Hurricane is approaching and EVERYONE MUST TAKE COVER IN THE BASEMENT, RIGHT THIS MINUTE.  But you can’t count on that happening. But even worse than watching a tornado blowing you car away forever and ever, what if you suddenly realize that the shoes you picked out actually DON’T match the tights that DON’T match that skirt that REALLY don’t match your earrings?  Or chipping a nail and you JUST GOT THAT manicure TWO DAYS AGO and it’s her fault because SHE RUSHED THROUGH YOUR MANICURE.  Or you switched YOUR lunch with your kids school lunch and there is NO WAY IN HELL I’M GOING TO EAT A GRAPE UNCRUSTABLE A-FUCKING-GAIN.

By the time you check your email, finish your coffee, fix your hair, change your shoes, find a clean pair of pants, make a new lunch and finally catch the dog, it seems pretty obvious that, unless there is some MIRACLE, there is NO way you will EVER make it to work, your doctor’s appointment, the chili cook off, grandma’s funeral or your husbands/wifes/brothers/uncles company picnic on time.

So before you waste any MORE time, slip on your favorite sweat/yoga pants, break out the Snuggie and the Cheeto’s and get ready to enjoy a few hours of The Bachelorette/Mad Men/Shark Week.  Or, something we all love, the Lifetime Tyler Perry/James Bond/Golden Girls marathon. Now stop wasting time and GO.


Most might think of me as deep and serious and melancholy and heartbroken, based on what I write. But you people don’t know me at-fucking-all.