Category Archives: Twitter

Love (Sex)

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 My own random thoughts, silly and serious,

on two of my favorite subjects:

love and sex.

♥

She’s only beautiful
if you’re wildly in love with her.
Otherwise, she’s just another girl.
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Sex so good, your penis gets up an hour before you do and makes us both breakfast.

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Maybe she writes about love so much because that’s the only thing that really matters.

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The more you care about someone, the further you should push them away.

I just pushed this guy off a cliff.

I bet I really liked him a lot.

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Spend the entire night with me, talking and kissing and snuggling in bed,

without trying to have sex with me, so I know it’s really real.

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Earth Day Tip:

Show her you love her and the Earth by giving her a handwritten love letter on a recycled paper towel,

then use it to clean up the mess after sex. Xx

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You can’t fit a million memories into one goodbye.

And it’s equally impossible to imagine a million surprises

hidden behind one new hello.

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You’ll fall for her and she’ll completely fall for you.

You’ll break her heart and she’ll completely break yours, too. That’s just how love is.

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I can ignore you so hard, you’ll think we actually had sex.

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When we meet that one person

who has the ability to make us shine,

we become extraordinary together.

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Mentioning sex in a conversation with a guy is like talking to your dog while holding a bone in your hand.

Both of them ONLY HEAR BONE.

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It might be love when he tells you about all of the places he wants to take you

and all of the things he wants to show you.

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The Bachelorette is so realistic.

I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve dated who’ve told me they were in love with BEFORE we had sex.

SO, SO MANY.

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Ask any guy and most will have a story of how he was in love with an amazing girl —

And ultimately how he lost her.

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Before falling in love, people should be forced to sky dive out of an airplane.

But only 23% of the parachutes actually work.

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I used to think I wanted to be in a relationship.

Now my only goal is making sure I don’t text the other person more than he texts me.

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I just told this guy he was too young for me to date.

He laughed and then I laughed and then we started making out on his Batman bed sheets.

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In the story of us, we love.
We fall apart. We walk away.
Days, weeks and months pass until finally we discover
We could not live without each other.

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It’s not really love unless he invites your dog to stay over, too.

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Men are hard-wired to rush through sex.

But it’s so much hotter and sexier if you can make the girl so crazy that she initiates everything.

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If you don’t think about her enough to want to

text her and talk to her at least once, every single day,

then don’t even fucking bother.

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If you really want her badly enough,

you’ll find a way to have her.

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If I ever say I love you while we’re fucking,

it’s only because I love you while we’re fucking.

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I tell young guys I can’t date them because of their age.

They laugh and I laugh and 2 weeks later I’m buying a dress for the homecoming dance.

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It doesn’t really matter if it’s your first time

or the last one you’ll ever have.

Nothing will ever fuck with your head more than love.

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Relationship advice:

Don’t ever chase a man.
The one who knows your worth will never let you go.

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All women really want is to be treated like your wallet or cell phone:
For you to freak the fuck out if you ever think you lost us.

 

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Dating Tip: When a guy sends you a confusing text, ask 3-5 strangers
in the nearest bar/restaurant/coffee shop to help you interpret it.
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A person who doesn’t believe that a man can be beautiful,
has never been wildly in love before.

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A guy told me I can borrow his juicer.
He said it’s great for veggies and even better with fruits like pineapple.
PINEAPPLE? WE ALL KNOW HE JUST WANTS SEX.
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There’s really only one quality a guy needs to have
that can almost guarantee a girl will fall for him:
He only wants her.
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Prison Sex and the City
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The first thing I ever said to him was I love you.
Because sometimes your heart knows before you do.
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My go to move is not texting you back because I read guys love the chase but also
because I may have deleted your number. OMG PLEASE TEXT ME AGAIN.
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I will open my heart to you.
I will hand you the moon, the stars and the sun.
And just as quickly and without notice, I will take them all away.
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He fell in love with everything that you could never be.
In a world full of ordinary,
he fell in love with me.
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The 1st month of a relationship is the best.
Everything after that is like knowing an asteroid is going to hit but not knowing exactly when.
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The right guy will appreciate that there are times when I have to be alone,
just as much as the times when I desperately need to be with him.
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Dating Tip: Invite a guy you just met to a wedding.
During the ceremony, whisper “I do too.”
Also, don’t wear any underwear. GUYS LOVE THAT.
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We’re so afraid of doing things that make us feel good.
Eat cake.
Drink wine.
Have sex with a beautiful stranger.
We only get one life. Live it.
 
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PS: I have never had sex with a beautiful stranger because
I’M NOT A WHORE.
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The only drawback to having sex on a regular basis is daydreaming about sex all day
because you’re having sex on a regular basis.
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Every once in a very rare while, two hearts become so entangled
it becomes completely impossible to separate them.
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True or False: If he had sex with you, it means he cares.
True. He cares about whether or not you’ll have sex with him again.
NEXT QUESTION.
 
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She climbs into bed, wrapping herself around him
Her head on his chest
So she can hear his heart beating
As the rest of the world fades away.
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Speed dating: Because I only need 7 minutes to figure out I don’t like you
but I get to show off my pretty new dress to 47 people all at once.
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Maybe we weren’t soul mates
But we fell in love anyway
Drawn together like the moon pulls the tides
And every moment after that was special.
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Relationship goal: To never fall asleep during sex.
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Make me fall in love with you, every time we are together.
And if you can do that, the rest will all fall into place.
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Sometimes I get worried & ask the guy I’m dating
if I’m too dirty for him.
He laughs and I laugh and then we finish having sex in the barn.
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I suspect that people who genuinely and passionately love each other,
probably hurt each other the most deeply.
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Relationship goal: Become the guy.
*Do nothing, make zero effort and still get sex.
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A fun thing to do when you’re dating someone new
is to take a weekend trip together,
get into a drunken argument, then cry all the way home.
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It’s a beautiful notion to think you can be friends with an ex-love.
But if they were meant to be just a friend,
you would have never fallen in love with them.
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The Top 4 Diets:
– The South Beach
– The I Can’t Afford Food Diet
– The Heartbreak Diet
– The I Met a New Guy & We’re Having Tons of Sex Diet
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It’s very easy to say I love you when you don’t really mean it.
And almost impossible to say when you actually do.
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I already know you’re going to break my heart.
And even that’s not enough to stop me.
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OMG I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU SO MUCH PLEASE COME BACK.
– Girls, 5 minutes after they’ve broken up with you 17 times.
 
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Say ‘I love you’ as many times as you want
but until you give me a hoodie
and leave your toothbrush at my house, YOUR WORDS MEAN NOTHING.
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Sure, we could end this now
but then we’d miss out on all the fun parts like the crying,
the make up sex and traumatizing each other for life.
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I don’t believe that you truly love someone
until you’ve laughed together, experienced pain together
and shared a part of your lives with each other.
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Do yourself a favor.
Delete his phone number, put on something pretty and finally say yes to the guy
who’s actually wanted you all along. 
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When your heart is completely focused on something,
everything else in your life becomes invisible.
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Love her anyway.
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We fell in love for all the wrong reasons
In the most beautiful, tragic, extraordinary way.
Anything else would have been an impossibility.
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You could see 50 Shades of Grey
and watch others have fake movie sex.
Or you could go out, drink wine and
HAVE ACTUAL SEX WITH A REAL PERSON
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Falling in love is the best way to end up
hating each other for the rest of your lives.
– Inspirational
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One of the biggest flaws of the mind is
believing you’ll never get over someone.
The biggest flaw of the heart is not allowing yourself to.
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At some point my life turned into eat, pray, love.
But more like drink, fuck, love.
Or fuck you, I loved you and now I hate you.
One of those.
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Fall in love with someone emotionally unavailable at least once in your life
so you get the full experience of
what true heartbreak is like.
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Maybe the true definition of love is they can still see all of the good in you,
even after you’ve screwed up
and they still love you anyway.
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Sometimes it feels like the universe is trying to keep us apart.
But some stars were destined to collide.
No matter what.
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Falling in – and out – of love is completely uncontrollable.
That’s the tragic beauty of love.
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I think we are taught to love a certain way
But the best kind of love is one that makes you see,
feel and think about the world differently.
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If you think saying I love you is difficult,
just wait until the day you have to tell that same person
that you stopped.
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I had a sex dream about you last night.
And now I really want a hoodie.
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 If you love someone, set them free.
Then keep sending ‘love you’ texts to remind them because
maybe they have amnesia and forgot to come back.
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The best way to get over someone is to drink until you can’t walk
then throw yourself off a cliff.
I haven’t worked out all the details yet.
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Many things will change your life.
But nothing changes you more beautifully than finding love.
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 I hit a patch of ice and almost crashed my car
And my entire life flashed before my eyes.
OMG WHY DIDNT I HAVE MORE SEX WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE?
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Every person deserves that one intensely passionate love affair,
that no matter how long it lasts,
remains forever imprinted in their heart.
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Love is finding that one person
who you connect with
Who inspires you to become a better version of yourself.
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If you get drunk and start crying over how your cat died
you can usually get out of the whole
“He bought me dinner and now I owe him sex” thing.
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There’s a reason you let each other go.
Embrace it, move on knowing the person you were
truly meant to be with is out there waiting for you.
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If you don’t follow up your “Good morning beautiful” with
a “Goodnight beautiful” text,
THEN NO, I WON’T BE YOUR STUPID FUCKING VALENTINE.
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When you love someone completely, the entire world resides within their heart.
It’s not something you can explain. It’s something you feel.
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Love is amazing. It can change your life 100%
And those who don’t understand that are the ones who’ve
never experienced that kind of love.
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I’ve learned true love is seeing a broken person clearly,
knowing every ugly thing about them,
But still loving them beyond comprehension.
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True love is when you accidentally break my heart.
But always finding a way to fix it over and over again.
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Sext: I think I’m finally done crying.
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I will always be that foolish girl
Who still believes in love.
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It’s not really love unless you’re scarred for life.
And if you’re both scarred for life, then you’re probably soul mates.
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I only tried ruining your life because
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
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The less you know about someone, the easier it is to love them.
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I will love you to the moon and back,
but mostly to my bed, then in the shower
then maybe the floor then back to the bed then…
Sexting is hard.

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In a world where horrible things happens every day,

I want to believe in happy endings

and I need to believe in love.

So I guess I just will.

The Kiss - Gustav Klimt

The Kiss – Gustav Klimt