My own random thoughts, silly and serious,
on two of my favorite subjects:
love and sex.
Sex so good, your penis gets up an hour before you do and makes us both breakfast.
Maybe she writes about love so much because that’s the only thing that really matters.
The more you care about someone, the further you should push them away.
I just pushed this guy off a cliff.
I bet I really liked him a lot.
Spend the entire night with me, talking and kissing and snuggling in bed,
without trying to have sex with me, so I know it’s really real.
Earth Day Tip:
Show her you love her and the Earth by giving her a handwritten love letter on a recycled paper towel,
then use it to clean up the mess after sex. Xx
You can’t fit a million memories into one goodbye.
And it’s equally impossible to imagine a million surprises
hidden behind one new hello.
You’ll fall for her and she’ll completely fall for you.
You’ll break her heart and she’ll completely break yours, too. That’s just how love is.
I can ignore you so hard, you’ll think we actually had sex.
When we meet that one person
who has the ability to make us shine,
we become extraordinary together.
Mentioning sex in a conversation with a guy is like talking to your dog while holding a bone in your hand.
Both of them ONLY HEAR BONE.
It might be love when he tells you about all of the places he wants to take you
and all of the things he wants to show you.
The Bachelorette is so realistic.
I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve dated who’ve told me they were in love with BEFORE we had sex.
SO, SO MANY.
Ask any guy and most will have a story of how he was in love with an amazing girl —
And ultimately how he lost her.
Before falling in love, people should be forced to sky dive out of an airplane.
But only 23% of the parachutes actually work.
I used to think I wanted to be in a relationship.
Now my only goal is making sure I don’t text the other person more than he texts me.
I just told this guy he was too young for me to date.
He laughed and then I laughed and then we started making out on his Batman bed sheets.
It’s not really love unless he invites your dog to stay over, too.
Men are hard-wired to rush through sex.
But it’s so much hotter and sexier if you can make the girl so crazy that she initiates everything.
If you don’t think about her enough to want to
text her and talk to her at least once, every single day,
then don’t even fucking bother.
If you really want her badly enough,
you’ll find a way to have her.
If I ever say I love you while we’re fucking,
it’s only because I love you while we’re fucking.
I tell young guys I can’t date them because of their age.
They laugh and I laugh and 2 weeks later I’m buying a dress for the homecoming dance.
It doesn’t really matter if it’s your first time
or the last one you’ll ever have.
Nothing will ever fuck with your head more than love.
Don’t ever chase a man.
The one who knows your worth will never let you go.
All women really want is to be treated like your wallet or cell phone:
For you to freak the fuck out if you ever think you lost us.
In a world where horrible things happens every day,
I want to believe in happy endings
and I need to believe in love.
So I guess I just will.