Love (Sex)

 My own random thoughts, silly and serious,

on two of my favorite subjects:

love and sex.

She’s only beautiful
if you’re wildly in love with her.
Otherwise, she’s just another girl.
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Sex so good, your penis gets up an hour before you do and makes us both breakfast.

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Maybe she writes about love so much because that’s the only thing that really matters.

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The more you care about someone, the further you should push them away.

I just pushed this guy off a cliff.

I bet I really liked him a lot.

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Spend the entire night with me, talking and kissing and snuggling in bed,

without trying to have sex with me, so I know it’s really real.

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Earth Day Tip:

Show her you love her and the Earth by giving her a handwritten love letter on a recycled paper towel,

then use it to clean up the mess after sex. Xx

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You can’t fit a million memories into one goodbye.

And it’s equally impossible to imagine a million surprises

hidden behind one new hello.

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You’ll fall for her and she’ll completely fall for you.

You’ll break her heart and she’ll completely break yours, too. That’s just how love is.

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I can ignore you so hard, you’ll think we actually had sex.

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When we meet that one person

who has the ability to make us shine,

we become extraordinary together.

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Mentioning sex in a conversation with a guy is like talking to your dog while holding a bone in your hand.

Both of them ONLY HEAR BONE.

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It might be love when he tells you about all of the places he wants to take you

and all of the things he wants to show you.

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The Bachelorette is so realistic.

I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve dated who’ve told me they were in love with BEFORE we had sex.

SO, SO MANY.

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Ask any guy and most will have a story of how he was in love with an amazing girl —

And ultimately how he lost her.

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Before falling in love, people should be forced to sky dive out of an airplane.

But only 23% of the parachutes actually work.

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I used to think I wanted to be in a relationship.

Now my only goal is making sure I don’t text the other person more than he texts me.

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I just told this guy he was too young for me to date.

He laughed and then I laughed and then we started making out on his Batman bed sheets.

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In the story of us, we love.
We fall apart. We walk away.
Days, weeks and months pass until finally we discover
We could not live without each other.

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It’s not really love unless he invites your dog to stay over, too.

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Men are hard-wired to rush through sex.

But it’s so much hotter and sexier if you can make the girl so crazy that she initiates everything.

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If you don’t think about her enough to want to

text her and talk to her at least once, every single day,

then don’t even fucking bother.

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If you really want her badly enough,

you’ll find a way to have her.

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If I ever say I love you while we’re fucking,

it’s only because I love you while we’re fucking.

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I tell young guys I can’t date them because of their age.

They laugh and I laugh and 2 weeks later I’m buying a dress for the homecoming dance.

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It doesn’t really matter if it’s your first time

or the last one you’ll ever have.

Nothing will ever fuck with your head more than love.

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Relationship advice:

Don’t ever chase a man.
The one who knows your worth will never let you go.

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All women really want is to be treated like your wallet or cell phone:
For you to freak the fuck out if you ever think you lost us.

 

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Dating Tip: When a guy sends you a confusing text, ask 3-5 strangers
in the nearest bar/restaurant/coffee shop to help you interpret it.
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A person who doesn’t believe that a man can be beautiful,
has never been wildly in love before.

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A guy told me I can borrow his juicer.
He said it’s great for veggies and even better with fruits like pineapple.
PINEAPPLE? WE ALL KNOW HE JUST WANTS SEX.
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There’s really only one quality a guy needs to have
that can almost guarantee a girl will fall for him:
He only wants her.
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Prison Sex and the City
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The first thing I ever said to him was I love you.
Because sometimes your heart knows before you do.
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My go to move is not texting you back because I read guys love the chase but also
because I may have deleted your number. OMG PLEASE TEXT ME AGAIN.
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I will open my heart to you.
I will hand you the moon, the stars and the sun.
And just as quickly and without notice, I will take them all away.
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He fell in love with everything that you could never be.
In a world full of ordinary,
he fell in love with me.
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The 1st month of a relationship is the best.
Everything after that is like knowing an asteroid is going to hit but not knowing exactly when.
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The right guy will appreciate that there are times when I have to be alone,
just as much as the times when I desperately need to be with him.
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Dating Tip: Invite a guy you just met to a wedding.
During the ceremony, whisper “I do too.”
Also, don’t wear any underwear. GUYS LOVE THAT.
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We’re so afraid of doing things that make us feel good.
Eat cake.
Drink wine.
Have sex with a beautiful stranger.
We only get one life. Live it.
 
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PS: I have never had sex with a beautiful stranger because
I’M NOT A WHORE.
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The only drawback to having sex on a regular basis is daydreaming about sex all day
because you’re having sex on a regular basis.
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Every once in a very rare while, two hearts become so entangled
it becomes completely impossible to separate them.
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True or False: If he had sex with you, it means he cares.
True. He cares about whether or not you’ll have sex with him again.
NEXT QUESTION.
 
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She climbs into bed, wrapping herself around him
Her head on his chest
So she can hear his heart beating
As the rest of the world fades away.
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Speed dating: Because I only need 7 minutes to figure out I don’t like you
but I get to show off my pretty new dress to 47 people all at once.
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Maybe we weren’t soul mates
But we fell in love anyway
Drawn together like the moon pulls the tides
And every moment after that was special.
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Relationship goal: To never fall asleep during sex.
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Make me fall in love with you, every time we are together.
And if you can do that, the rest will all fall into place.
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Sometimes I get worried & ask the guy I’m dating
if I’m too dirty for him.
He laughs and I laugh and then we finish having sex in the barn.
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I suspect that people who genuinely and passionately love each other,
probably hurt each other the most deeply.
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Relationship goal: Become the guy.
*Do nothing, make zero effort and still get sex.
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A fun thing to do when you’re dating someone new
is to take a weekend trip together,
get into a drunken argument, then cry all the way home.
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It’s a beautiful notion to think you can be friends with an ex-love.
But if they were meant to be just a friend,
you would have never fallen in love with them.
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The Top 4 Diets:
– The South Beach
– The I Can’t Afford Food Diet
– The Heartbreak Diet
– The I Met a New Guy & We’re Having Tons of Sex Diet
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It’s very easy to say I love you when you don’t really mean it.
And almost impossible to say when you actually do.
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I already know you’re going to break my heart.
And even that’s not enough to stop me.
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OMG I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU SO MUCH PLEASE COME BACK.
– Girls, 5 minutes after they’ve broken up with you 17 times.
 
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Say ‘I love you’ as many times as you want
but until you give me a hoodie
and leave your toothbrush at my house, YOUR WORDS MEAN NOTHING.
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Sure, we could end this now
but then we’d miss out on all the fun parts like the crying,
the make up sex and traumatizing each other for life.
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I don’t believe that you truly love someone
until you’ve laughed together, experienced pain together
and shared a part of your lives with each other.
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Do yourself a favor.
Delete his phone number, put on something pretty and finally say yes to the guy
who’s actually wanted you all along. 
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When your heart is completely focused on something,
everything else in your life becomes invisible.
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Love her anyway.
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We fell in love for all the wrong reasons
In the most beautiful, tragic, extraordinary way.
Anything else would have been an impossibility.
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You could see 50 Shades of Grey
and watch others have fake movie sex.
Or you could go out, drink wine and
HAVE ACTUAL SEX WITH A REAL PERSON
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Falling in love is the best way to end up
hating each other for the rest of your lives.
– Inspirational
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One of the biggest flaws of the mind is
believing you’ll never get over someone.
The biggest flaw of the heart is not allowing yourself to.
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At some point my life turned into eat, pray, love.
But more like drink, fuck, love.
Or fuck you, I loved you and now I hate you.
One of those.
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Fall in love with someone emotionally unavailable at least once in your life
so you get the full experience of
what true heartbreak is like.
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Maybe the true definition of love is they can still see all of the good in you,
even after you’ve screwed up
and they still love you anyway.
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Sometimes it feels like the universe is trying to keep us apart.
But some stars were destined to collide.
No matter what.
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Falling in – and out – of love is completely uncontrollable.
That’s the tragic beauty of love.
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I think we are taught to love a certain way
But the best kind of love is one that makes you see,
feel and think about the world differently.
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If you think saying I love you is difficult,
just wait until the day you have to tell that same person
that you stopped.
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I had a sex dream about you last night.
And now I really want a hoodie.
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 If you love someone, set them free.
Then keep sending ‘love you’ texts to remind them because
maybe they have amnesia and forgot to come back.
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The best way to get over someone is to drink until you can’t walk
then throw yourself off a cliff.
I haven’t worked out all the details yet.
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Many things will change your life.
But nothing changes you more beautifully than finding love.
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 I hit a patch of ice and almost crashed my car
And my entire life flashed before my eyes.
OMG WHY DIDNT I HAVE MORE SEX WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE?
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Every person deserves that one intensely passionate love affair,
that no matter how long it lasts,
remains forever imprinted in their heart.
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Love is finding that one person
who you connect with
Who inspires you to become a better version of yourself.
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If you get drunk and start crying over how your cat died
you can usually get out of the whole
“He bought me dinner and now I owe him sex” thing.
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There’s a reason you let each other go.
Embrace it, move on knowing the person you were
truly meant to be with is out there waiting for you.
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If you don’t follow up your “Good morning beautiful” with
a “Goodnight beautiful” text,
THEN NO, I WON’T BE YOUR STUPID FUCKING VALENTINE.
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When you love someone completely, the entire world resides within their heart.
It’s not something you can explain. It’s something you feel.
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Love is amazing. It can change your life 100%
And those who don’t understand that are the ones who’ve
never experienced that kind of love.
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I’ve learned true love is seeing a broken person clearly,
knowing every ugly thing about them,
But still loving them beyond comprehension.
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True love is when you accidentally break my heart.
But always finding a way to fix it over and over again.
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Sext: I think I’m finally done crying.
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I will always be that foolish girl
Who still believes in love.
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It’s not really love unless you’re scarred for life.
And if you’re both scarred for life, then you’re probably soul mates.
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I only tried ruining your life because
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
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The less you know about someone, the easier it is to love them.
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I will love you to the moon and back,
but mostly to my bed, then in the shower
then maybe the floor then back to the bed then…
Sexting is hard.

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In a world where horrible things happens every day,

I want to believe in happy endings

and I need to believe in love.

So I guess I just will.

The Kiss - Gustav Klimt

The Kiss – Gustav Klimt

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The Trunk in the Attic

I found an old trunk in the attic of my new house.

Ironically, my new house is actually a beautiful old farmhouse. It’s 120 years old to be exact.

I often imagine who might have lived here 120 years ago. There are two front doors. One is the original front door and the second is the old back door that was removed from the rear of the house when it was restored six years ago.

The original front door has the letter ‘G’ scrolled on the front. I imagine the ‘G’ family that once lived here all those years ago. I imagine the children running through the house on a hot summer day screaming and laughing, as their mother called after them to go outside and play.

There is a large back yard that borders the huge brick farmhouse next door. A massive tree, most likely 100+ years old itself,  connects our yards. And across the road, two farms are the home to forty or fifty-plus cows, peacefully grazing.

So back to the trunk.

The day I signed the paperwork, the owner and I walked through the house. He explained how he had restored the house and had done all of the work himself. Finally,  we went up to the attic and I asked him “Who’s trunk is that?”

“I don’t know,” he replied. I moved toward it and almost as in slow motion, I reach my hand out, ready to open it. But then I stopped.

In such an old house I wonder how old must the trunk be? And all I can imagine is ghosts are locked away in the trunk. Yes, it’s silly, I know.

So I backed away and headed back down the narrow stairs, closing the attic door behind me.

The attic door itself is a bit unusual. And I am certain it’s the original door. It faces the hallway connecting the master bedroom to the master bath and you have to pass it each time you are in the bedroom.

A week later, I moved into my beautiful new, old house. The movers helped me move a few things into the attic. It was sunny that day and the bright light shined through the small attic window. But yet, it still felt a bit dark.

And there stood the trunk. Still unopened. Still a mystery to me.

I hesitated and looked at it from the top of the attic stairs, wondering what could be inside? Again, I decided not to open it and went back downstairs.

When you live in an old house, it’s almost impossible not to imagine that perhaps ghosts or spirits live there, too.

But it wasn’t long after we moved into our wonderful old farmhouse that I realized that if there really were ghosts living with us, they had to be friendly ones.

The only noises that I hear late at night are the ones my cats make as they stretch during their sleep. Or the soft padding of their feet on the freshly waxed hard wood floors.

And sometimes when I think I hear something odd, I stop to listen. Only to realize it’s just the sound of the November wind reminding us that winter is almost here.

And although the house is large and quite old, I feel very safe and happy here.

There is something very calming and peaceful about living in the country. It can’t quite be explained unless you have experienced it for yourself.

How could such a charming and beautiful old home have anything but friendly ghosts?

It’s only been a few weeks, but between working, unpacking and trying to organize my new life, I find my days are quite full.

There’s no time to explore abandoned trunks or old attics.

And so the trunk will have to wait. For now anyway.

And maybe when the spring and the longer, warmer days arrive, I’ll decide to open it then.

Or not.

attic bonus roomwb

For now, I’ll leave the attic undisturbed. – MMP