Sex, Porn, Love

This is just like Eat, Pray, Love, with the exception that it’s absolutely nothing like that.

Do I need to include a NSFW disclosure? Done.

So my ex had a porn addiction. Collection. Whatever.

Let me preface this by saying I am a huge fan of sex and I look at porn. Oddly enough, it’s because of my ex that I discovered online porn. And I’m pretty sure everyone on the planet has looked at some kind of porn at some point in their life. Except for maybe the Pope and Mother Teresa.

I’d obviously been in long term relationships before, but this was my first experience dealing with porn addiction.

After dating for a year, he moved in with me. I’ve never been the nosy type, but I never really trusted him. He openly lied to me all the time and he frequently talked about his ex-girlfriends. He also kept close contact with a former fuck-buddy.

Looking back, I’m not even sure why I fell for him. But I did and at the very least, I learned a lot about myself.

Needless to say I snooped. I am not proud, but I did.

And was I ever sorry.

I found old love notes to his ex-girlfriends that he’d written and never sent. That hurt like hell.

It physically pained me to read them. Mostly because he had never written love notes like that to me. Phrases like “I’d jump off a cliff for you.” Seriously?  You’d jump off a cliff for her? Um, that sounds like suicide, not love.

I found lots of other things, too and of course hundreds of photos. I am embarrassed that I snooped but it’s something I will never do again.

It should be noted that the day he moved out, I started purging everything. Every card, photo, clothes he’d left behind: I threw all of it out. Gone. Within 6 months, my house was completely rid of any type of reminder that might even hint that he had ever lived with us, much less existed. I don’t understand why people hold onto reminders that cause them pain. But that’s just me.

So anyway – I found the stupid love letters and photos and I was pissed.

But mostly I hated myself for snooping.

Then I found all the porn. OMFG.

I recall finding several porn magazines while I was cleaning out my ex-husbands closet years before. We had been together for 11+ years, and that was the only other time I’d ever found anything like that. And all he had were a few standard dirty magazines.

This was different. My ex-BF had hundred’s, maybe even thousands, of porn video clips, all arranged by category. Asian porn was clearly a favorite.

As a single mom to two young girls, I hadn’t really been exposed to online porn until then. Hesitantly, I clicked on a few. And I’m sure most people would have done the same.

Again, I love sex. And I am all for getting a little freaky in the bedroom. But this was quite different and some of it was pretty disgusting.

There’s no need for me to go into all the gory details about what I found. Two clicks on the internet and BAM, you can find anything you like. Porn is easy to find. It’s everywhere.

But the strange things he was into actually shocked me. Was this actually The X-rated Asian Freak Cirque du Soleil?

I think sex is GREAT. I can’t say it enough: I LOVE SEX. But this stuff was just plain ewww gross. And the thought of how someone could be turned on by those types of things actually turned me OFF.

How could this seemingly normal guy be turned on by things like that?

Looking at porn is pretty normal, and most men and women enjoy it. But this stuff just grossed me out.

That combined with all of the lies and doubt, his obsession with his exes, was all just too much to swallow. (Sexual puns are completely accidental.)

I felt like I didn’t really know who this person was anymore. But he was still living in my house. It made me feel sick.

I had always been the good little Catholic girl. I grew up in a small town and had a very sheltered childhood.

So maybe it was just me?

But I don’t think so.

I think I’m pretty normal. I thoroughly enjoy sex. And when I’m in a relationship, I’m not the type to withhold it when I’m upset with my partner. Sex is a huge, important part of relationships.

On occasion, he and I would even look at what I consider ‘normal’ porn together. (The standard positions, BJ’s, oral, threesomes, etc., all the usual stuff.) DEAR MOM, PLEASE DON’T READ THIS BLOG.

I loved him and I wanted to please him, so I was always open to a little fun experimentation. I even bought a few sex toys and erotica for us to share.

That’s what couples in healthy relationships do. You explore and have fun together. Together.

But this freaky (secret) fetish thing didn’t fit into that scheme.  More than the sick porn, it was his secrecy that bothered me the most.

One other thing I failed to mention is that for the entire time we were together, he maintained a close friendship with a former coworker, who had been a fuck-buddy (his words). After he moved in with me, he admitted that he had been having sex with her the entire time he was seeing his previous girlfriend.. But he assured me that they were now “just good friends”.

Sure. JUST friends. Got it.

So, let’s recap:  Bizarre Asian porn + constant lying + obsessed with exes + a female “friend” (RIGHT).  And what I failed to mention were his fucked up childhood (totally NOT his fault), some heavy duty drug use (totally his fault) AND a criminal record, but let’s leave those out for now.

I’m no mathematician but I think ALL of those things combined might = straight up fucked up. But I’m no expert so I can’t really say.

To his credit, he was extremely kind to my children and we did have some very nice times together.  But no amount of sweet and charming can make up for being a big cheating liar. Xx

So even if he wasn’t the worst guy on the face of the planet, he was definitely NOT the right guy for me.

When you love and trust someone, you share things with them. Intimacy brings you closer together. Secrets and lies tear people apart.

Eventually I came clean (not a porn pun). I told him what I had found and we talked about it.

His response? “All that stuff is old.”

Then why save it?

Along with the love notes and pictures of ex-girlfriend’s and crap about throwing yourself off a cliff for her, and more blah, blah, blah.

He had no answer for that, and that’s when I decided he should be thrown off a cliff.

_______________________________________

That was a hundred years ago. Fast forward to today.

Porn is everywhere, including Twitter. I follow all sorts of diverse people. But if someone retweets porn into my timeline, I will unfollow.

Great. You like porn. But isn’t that a private thing? Why advertise it? Shouldn’t private things be kept private?

I would never have sex in a public place (except for that one time when we drank an entire bottle of Malibu and did it in the back seat of a bus filled with tourists on our way back from Venice, but that was ONLY ONCE and we were on VACATION and we were in a FOREIGN COUNTRY so it doesn’t count and most of those people were really OLD so they probably didn’t even notice anyway). I REALLY HOPE MY MOM IS NOT READING THIS.

I am the girl who closes the bathroom door just to brush my teeth. TO BRUSH MY TEETH, PEOPLE. I think flossing is something you do in PRIVATE. So excuse me if I think my sex life (and love of strange weird odd sex acts or porn or whatever freaky things you enjoy) should be kept private, too.

Am I right?
YES I AM.

Porn is like alcohol: Not everyone enjoys it. And people who do drink all have different tastes. Some people prefer wine and beer (vanilla porn, if you will) while others enjoy a super dirty martini (*wink, wink*). And what people do in private is their own business.

When you trust someone, you’re open and honest, including in the bedroom. Which leads to really amazing sex. And if you don’t trust someone enough to be honest, maybe you shouldn’t be together.

I actually did learn two important things from that relationship.

1). Never ever snoop.

My niece recently told me that when her boyfriend isn’t around, she goes through his phone. Before she could go on, I gave her one piece of advice: If you don’t trust someone, break it off immediately.

And 2). Trust your instincts. If you distrust someone to the point where you feel tempted to snoop, maybe you shouldn’t be together. A healthy relationship cannot exist unless you have trust. End it and move on.

Life is too short to waste your time with someone who is constantly keeping you guessing.

When you love someone, you should trust them to be honest. Baring your soul and sharing your secrets is what bonds two people together. Keeping secrets only tears you apart.

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17 thoughts on “Sex, Porn, Love

  1. Okay…

    When you snoop you know you will find things you don’t like. If you don’t find anything, then you’ll still feel awful for violating that trust.

    Porn…

    Porn is basically for masturbating. Or learning some new trick.

    In my opinion, if viewed in moderation there is nothing wrong with porn. If you take what you’ve seen and use it to get extra creative with your partner — Good Job.

    If you’re using porn cause you aren’t getting what you need/want then… Try harder to get the real thing.

    If you watch porn and are under the delusion that these aren’t professionals pretending to love what’s happening to them… Grow a brain. Yes, there is no “amateur” porn. Don’t kid yourself. It’s all acting.

    All guys are into porn of some kind. That’s just a fact.

    Also, if you stumble across your partner’s stash, be an adult and ask them why they like what they like. It may not be the whole scene. It could just be a noise they make or a look on their face or something they are wearing…

    If they can’t tell you or won’t, you are dating someone who is too immature to have sex with anyway.

    Finally, and this point is just for you Ms Money Penny…

    Pornstars, just like strippers, are typically fugly as hell in real life under real lights.

  2. Most men & women enjoy porn. I get that. But discovering that on top of LOVE letter, pictures of his ex, who he admittedly was STILL in love with, and things not mentioned, was like I did not know this person at all.
    Trust me- I learned a very difficult lesson. Thanks, friend. 🙂

  3. I’m changing my mind on this after reading this blog a fourth time (yes, I know that’s obsessive).

    His porn collection and downloading is just over the top.

    He’s got problems. You are so lucky he’s out of your life.

    Besides, what sort of cretin is watching porn with you around? (that’s a shameless ego boost directed in your direction).

  4. I think we don’t get men. I don’t get that. I also don’t think it matters. Lies matter. Porn is like clothes is to women; they like to try it on. The fact that he hid it is the problem. And the asian obsession..cause your not asian. Fucking asshole. Wait..what? I forget what my opinion was. xoxo

  5. Wow, the size of that collection is…impressive(?).
    If it had been smaller, and without the love letters, etc, would it still have been an issue?

    Though, just the fact that you had those kind of misgivings, I guess it trails back to the guy, and you’re lucky to have found out and moved on.

  6. Man what was wrong with him? I mean look at you and he still needed porn? I have been to wore out from you to look. What a loser

  7. I think if you feel the need to snoop there ate serious problems in your relationship. The saved love letters/pics are proof that he wasn’t worth your time and trouble. The lad needs to grow a pair and either cut ties with the ex’s or fight like hell to get them back.

    As for the porn collection…who the hell keeps a collection? Last I heard, the interwebs ate full of porn (I wouldn’t know. Uh-huh). I don’t get the various things which some are into. Not my kink, ya know? The degradation and humiliation stuff actually really disturbs me. I feel sorry for those who feel the need to be treated that way to get off. But again, not my kink.

    For the record: I snooped once on my STBX after we decided to separate. I wanted to know how long her extracurricular activities had been going on. I found that they went back further than she admitted. This infuriated, insulted and ashamed me. But, it also made me realize that, despite my faults, she doesn’t deserve me and that I am better off without her.

    • I like what you have to say, Believe you me I know what it means to star-crossed in love with someone. But for thoses of us who live in their hearts, it is an aweful big place to be.

  8. Wait, it was just Asian porn, right? Like Asian girls dressed up like school girls (which is now a social norm)? I find that Vanilla (with sexy almond shaped eyes).

    Did this porn involve really deviant and kinky stuff, like small Asian women in an orgy with obese white women, bisexual men, BDSM, and transsexuals? Any Animals with Asians in that collection? Midgets with Asians?

    God, I hope nobody finds my porn stash LOL.

  9. Hmm

    First of all no not everyone in the world has seen porn, or wants to, or even knows what it is. I know later you say it’s like Alcohol and some people like it some not but just saying. I have seen it by the way

    Secondly, if you didn’t trust him, why let him move in with you? Maybe I’m a bit backwards like that?

  10. I recall, the first time I saw porn, was as a teenager. My cousins neighbour had a tenant. A guy who would be at work all day and return late.

    The boy had a key to the room. In his room, there was a bed, a TV, Video player and shelves and shelves of porn movies!

    So we watched them when we could. It was their idea, that’s something I’d rather do on my own, if I’m going to do it at all.

  11. Firstly, not everyone has seen porn, or wants to or even knows what it is. I acknowledge you later say that it’s like Alcohol, you either like it or not. But still, there are probably more people in the world who haven’t seen it that lol who have.
    America the stats are obviously the opposite.

    Secondly if you didn’t trust him, why let him move in with you? I don’t get that. Maybe I’m too backwards lol

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