The Affair

As her date droned on, she noticed a group of guys laughing and drinking beer a few feet away. The bar was loud and crowded. She couldn’t make out their faces. Except for one.

Her date asked her a question.

“What?” All she could hear was this handsome stranger laughing a few feet away.

She caught him staring at her. So she smiled back. And no sooner had her date left to make a phone call, she looked up to see his face smiling down at her.

He asked her her name. Before she could answer, he said “You’re beautiful.”

Soon they were walking down the street together, huddled close in the winter wind. They passed a group of loud girls, smoking and an old man walking his dog.

He grabbed her hand and led her across the street and into another bar. His hand felt warm and strong.

“Two vodka tonics” he said to the bartender. Despite the toasty fire crackling in the fireplace, the bar was practically empty.

He said something funny and she laughed. Suddenly his hand was on her waist, gently pulling her closer. She thought he might kiss her. But instead he leaned over and whispered into her ear.

She’d always been attracted to quirky. But only when it was perfectly mixed with intelligence and wit and charm and of course humor.

And he was all of the above.

And the fact that he was tall was the cherry on the all ready delicious cake.

Two hours later, they were in his apartment. He offered to take her coat. She politely declined.

“I really should go,” she said. As she started to leave, he leaned over and kissed her. Soft and slow at first, then deeper and passionately. She wanted to tear off her coat and throw her clothes on the floor. But instead she kissed him one last time and left.

The 18 minute drive home felt like an hour.

Two nights later she was in his apartment again. A bottle of Patron sat on his countertop next to a basket of fresh raspberries. How did he know those were her favorites?

He was wearing dark jeans and a long sleeved tee and a boyish grin. He opened the tequila and she did a shot to take the edge off. They drank and talked and kissed. He told her about his family. She talked about her new job. They kissed and talked and drank some more. His lips were on her neck. Her hands were on his waist.

She knew she wanted to sleep with him but there were so many reasons not to. But maybe even more reasons why she should. His lips tasted like tequila and raspberries and perfection. He pulled her closer and she whispered into his ear “Where’s your room?”

A candle was burning on his nightstand. His room smelled like red velvet cake. His bed sheets were dark gray. She could hear music playing from the apartment next door.

His curtains were slightly drawn and she could see the moon outside his window. He kissed her as she started to unbutton his pants. Their hands were everywhere. She could feel the weight of his body on hers and every doubt she had disappeared from her mind. Every movement felt electric. The candle flickered next to the bed. He felt perfect and delicious and intoxicating.

At 6:15am the alarm went off on her cell phone. He helped her locate her clothes as she hurriedly dressed. He followed her to the door. All he was wearing were a pair of dark blue gym shorts. His chest was smooth and perfect. She kissed him goodbye.

They started meeting 2 or 3 times a week. Sometimes it would be at her house and sometimes, his. They’d snuggle on the couch and watch a movie, but mostly they would talk and drink and make out for hours before falling into a heap in bed. And in the morning he would always tell her how beautiful her eyes were.

It was easy and fun and exhilarating and uncomplicated. Weeks and months passed. Sexy texts and flirty conversations. She knew it wouldn’t last – they both knew – but it felt good now. And he was smart and sexy and he was so drawn to her and their bodies fit so perfectly together. The sex was addictive. She knew she couldn’t say no.

Then something happened. It doesn’t matter what. Because something always happens. He started to get too close and he said something that hurt her feelings. And she held back because she knew it could never be anymore than it was. He pushed her away and she pushed him away further. She imagined she would never see his beautiful face ever again so she busied herself with work and meaningless things.

The weather grew colder and she would lie awake at night thinking about him. He imagined her with someone else and it drove him insane. But neither of them contacted each other. They were both too stubborn and practical, and she was so busy. But not too busy to lie awake at night imagining all the nights they had spent together in her bed.

And he stayed busy too. But he could still smell her on his pillows and he imagined her body wrapped around his.

And the days and weeks passed and it started to get easier. She started to forget the little things. Like how his skin smelled and the way he would hold her so close, wrapping his arms around her waist when they were lying in bed.

One night, around 1:24am or something like that, he sent her a text.

“I miss you.”

They saw each other again after that. It turns out, it wasn’t an affair. It lasted over a year and a half. And each time he would walk through her door, without a word, he would  immediately grab her and kiss her like he hadn’t seen her in a hundred years.  It was sexy and passionate and she never wanted it to end.

He made her feel beautiful.

Then something else happened. Maybe she met someone else. Or maybe he did.  It doesn’t really matter. Because something else always happens. And so it ended again and they went their separate ways, as people always do.

And sometimes when she is out with another guy, she gets distracted and finds herself searching for his face in the crowd.

And sometimes when he is out with his friends, he’ll see a girl with long blonde hair and he’ll hear her laugh and he imagines it is her.

Image #1047511 by korshun on Favim.com

Love in the Rain | via Tumblr – image #1047511 by korshun on Favim.com

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Broken Hearts

I remember the first time I ever had my heart broken. Jay was tall, incredibly handsome and a perfect gentleman. He sent me roses every single month for the entire year we were together. He bought me my first bottle of expensive perfume (a scent I still love and wear). He sent me cards and wrote me beautiful love notes. I rarely save anything from old loves, but I still have a few cards he sent me. In one, he wrote “I love you, I want you, I need you.”  It’s still one of the most romantic things a man has ever given me. We were both barely 18. It’s crazy to think that a guy that young could be that thoughtful and romantic. But he was.

It was an idyllic first love. He completely adored me and we had an amazing summer together. But like most first loves, it came to an end.  The week before Christmas, he came to my house to drop off my gift. And as he stood in the doorway, somehow I knew he had cheated on me the weekend before. I’m not sure how girls know these things but sometimes you can just feel them in your bones. He admitted he had slept with someone else and I fell apart. I cried for weeks. I didn’t think I would ever get over him.

But I did.

But I can’t listen to The Payola’s You’re the Only Love without remembering that summer.

There are only two other times I ever felt that kind of hurt. And both occurred in more recent years.

The most memorable one and the most painful by far was three summers ago. I’ve written about it here, so I won’t rehash it all again. But instead of crying in bed for weeks (okay, I may have done that, too) I was more like Diane Keaton’s character in Something’s Gotta Give, sitting at my laptop and writing it all out. Writing and crying. I literally wrote – and cried –  for weeks, maybe months. I was completely inconsolable. I remember feeling a genuine physical ache that literally lasted for months. It felt like the pain would never go away.

But eventually, it did.

It’s impossible to go through life without experiencing loss. At some point, we all have our hearts broken. And no matter how many times it happens, it’s one of the few things in life that never seems to get any easier.

It always fucking hurts.

And it’s not something you can prevent although some people think you can control it. A man once told me he would never fall in love with anyone ever again, after having his heart broken by someone else. Then he fell in love with me. And I didn’t mean to hurt him (no one ever plans these things) but after a few years, I decided I needed to end it. The relationship had taken a toll on me, both physically and emotionally, and uncertainty in any relationship can be just as damaging as infidelity. Sometimes it feels like if we end things first, that will make it easier or less painful. But the truth is if you still care about the person at all, it’s never an easy thing to do. And even though I still cared about him deeply, I knew it needed to end.

I spent months questioning my decision. Looking back, I know it was for the best, but at the time, I was too immersed in mixed emotions to see it.  It’s almost impossible to separate logic from love when you are completely caught up in the middle of it.

Falling in – and out – of love is completely uncontrollable. You can’t stop your heart from feeling something it feels.  And you can’t make someone feel something if they don’t. That’s the tragic beauty of love.

But what if both people still care? What if we held onto that person, instead of letting go and decided to work it out before throwing it all away? That only works if both people want it badly enough and are committed to each other.

Is it easier to walk away and start over fresh with someone new? Or do you stay and try to lovingly mend all of the broken pieces?

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling

of letting go and holding onHenry Ellis

Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. So it amazes me how some people are so quick to throw it away.  Once a man has captured my heart, I am completely devoted to him. I have lived long enough to know that finding love is rare and I don’t think you should ever throw it away.

Everything could be falling apart around you, but if you have someone who loves you, somehow it makes everything else seem better. Having that one special person on your side can make all the difference. And when they suddenly disappear from your life, it can feel like your entire world has come to an end.

But it doesn’t.

 

Heart break is inevitable. You can’t stop it from happening if it wasn’t meant to be. And you can’t put all of the pieces back together after everything has fallen apart. And it’s pointless to hold onto to something when the other person has already let go.

Life doesn’t end just because love sometimes does.

That’s when letting go gracefully seems to be the only option.

And no matter how much it hurts when you are going through it, we all heal and we all move past it and we all survive. But even better than that is that we always find love again.

Everyone survives a broken heart.  But it still hurts like hell.

After my divorce, I said I would never marry ever again. But the truth is I still believe in true love. I still believe in the fairy tale. I still want to lie in bed with someone at night and kiss and hold hands and make love and fall asleep together.  I want to fall in love with every part of his mixed up soul. And I’ll always believe that the only reason we were placed on this earth is to love and to be loved.

I will never stop believing that love is the most amazing thing in this world.

But just to be safe, I think I might sit this next game out.  ♥

Image from Pinterest.

Image from Pinterest.

 

 

 

Beautiful

Marc_Jacobs

I once lived in a one bedroom basement apartment with my best friend. We had a small kitchen table without chairs and two mattresses on the floor, and that was pretty much it. Our living room was completely empty. We had nothing except a few dishes in the kitchen cabinets and a closet over-flowing with all of our clothes, bags and shoes. I’m not sure how we survived with so little, yet I would drop $50 on a half ounce jar of eye cream without thinking twice. A completely broke 20 year old girl buying anti-wrinkle cream. I’m certain I already had flawless skin, like most 20-something girls do, but I still spent a chunk of my paycheck on beauty products vs. food.

For a girl who grew up reading Seventeen magazine, the pages filled with perfect bodies and pretty smiles, not surprising at all.

And I am sure I wasn’t the only one.

And isn’t that how most girls think? We grow up believing that beauty is vitally important to our being. It defines us somehow. Life will be better/happier/easier/more fulfilling, more something, if you are prettier.

And you don’t have to accept it or agree with it. But that’s just the way it is. And that won’t ever change. We will never live in a world where beauty is not revered or desired. Not ever. So what choice do we have but to accept and embrace it?

Audrey Hepburn said “Happy girls are the prettiest girls.” Who coincidentally was one of the most perfectly beautiful women to have ever lived.

We are bombarded by messages telling us that beauty comes from within, and that being a good person is beautiful, and that true beauty is blah blah blah.  But meanwhile, every man wants a Kate Upton. It’s all very confusing to a 12 year old girl, still learning about the world and trying to figure out where she fits in all of this.

And how do you teach that same 12 year old girl that inner beauty is more important than outer? Not an easy task.

And even with degrees in science and education on top of years spent trying to complete a Masters degree, I know that no amount of education will ever change the fact that I still want to be pretty, too. Because in this world, pretty is what everyone wants. Men want a beautiful woman on their arm (it’s a status symbol) and the prettiest girls find the most desirable mates. And any person- male or female- would be lying if they said they did not want to be more attractive. What person ever says “I want to be less attractive.” You can’t find that person because s/he simply does not exist. Because beauty is valued in our society. Period. Men want beautiful. And women completely fall into the beauty trap every single day.

It’s all a very ugly thing, when you really start to think about it.

An ex once told me “I would rather date a girl with a pretty face than one with a good body. Her face is the most important part.”

He’s not alone. Men can’t help it. They’re attracted to looks and the physical. And although women are attracted to good looks, too, it’s a fact that men rate a woman’s looks as the most important thing about her.

Men rate a woman’s looks as the most important thing about her. Worth stating twice, because wow. Wow and I think that explains quite a lot.

In a study done by Ask Men, men rated facial attractiveness as the #1 most desirable trait in a woman.   Whereas, women rated intelligence, passion and a sense of humor in the top 5 qualities most desired in a man.  And the importance of a mans looks to a woman was much lower at #9.

It’s no great mystery why women place such importance on how they look. It’s a competitive world out there and men are always searching for the next pretty face. Sure you’re pretty, but she’s really beautiful. And as beautiful as she is, that other girl is stunning. And men don’t think twice about leaving a beautiful woman for someone they consider to be more beautiful. It happens every day. So is it any wonder why women are continually trying to improve their looks?

I know a woman (in fact, an entire group of women) who have all spent thousands of dollars on surgery and injections trying to achieve “it”.  One husband even commented to me that his wife no longer looks recognizable. Make that his ex-wife. They are now divorced so maybe that says something about that. I don’t know. And admittedly, if I had the means, I too might consider doing some of the same. But I don’t foresee becoming rich anytime soon, so I guess I will never find out.

In the meantime, the perfect blow out and a pedicure still make me feel pretty. I feel sexy in a great pair of jeans. And all that confidence translates into feeling attractive, which makes me feel good. So where is the wrong in that?

The problem is that there will always be someone better looking. And along with that comes the natural worry that he might leave you for someone “better.” Even if she is not actually “better” at all. My best friend- one of the most stunningly beautiful and smartest women I know- discovered her husband was cheating on her. And I’m not suggesting that men cheat only because they found someone more attractive. But the fact is men are always looking. Even if they never act upon it. And cheating is extremely common. So maybe it’s not such an irrational thing to worry about after all.

Maybe that’s just the way it is.

Feeling beautiful, looking beautiful and actually being beautiful are all very different things.

And genuine beauty has nothing to do with what you see in a magazine.

But yet, that will never change the fact that men will continue to seek exactly that physical, outward type of beauty. And therefore, women will continually strive to achieve it.

 

In the end, each person should do what they want. Do whatever you need to do to feel pretty and sexy and amazing and happy and beautiful.

And hopefully, one day you will meet someone so amazing in every sense of the word, that they will completely redefine your own perception of what makes a person beautiful. Suddenly, it’s not just about how they look, but it becomes about the way they smile, the words they say, the way they look at you and the way they make you feel. The same guy or girl that you once viewed as attractive, now defines beauty in every single sense of the word. And all you’ll be able to see is a person you can’t possibly imagine being without. Ultimately, that is what makes someone perfectly beautiful, above and beyond anyone else. And that is what I am going to teach my daughters.

 

Link: http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-proven-traits-men-desire-in-women.html

Photo taken from catsandcouture.blogspot.com

Photo taken from catsandcouture.blogspot.com

 

Sex, Porn, Love

Sex, Porn, Love

This is just like Eat, Pray, Love, with the exception that it’s absolutely nothing like that. Do I need to include a NSFW disclosure? Done. So my ex had a porn addiction. Collection. Whatever. Let me preface this by saying I … Continue reading

When Love Is (Or Isn’t) Enough

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  The story of a couple who meet, fall in love and break up.

Their break up is so painful they both decide to undergo a procedure that erases all memory of their relationship.

After their memories are erased they become strangers and go their separate ways.

But they meet a second time and are instantly attracted to each other, as if meeting for the first time.

The movie ends there, suggesting they fall in love all over again, despite their past.

The whole thing- falling in love, meeting a second time and being given a second chance- is appealing on many levels.

Most people have one person they wish they could have a second chance with.

A past relationship that was electric and exciting and passionate that you wish you could do it all over again. Even if there was some bad mixed in with all the good.

No relationship is ever perfect and every couple encounters problems and misunderstandings. People change, circumstances change and feelings can change, too.

And a history that took months and years to build up, can all fall apart as easily as a sand castle being washed away by the tide.

You might try and save it.  You grab your bucket and add more sand.

And things are good again. Maybe not as perfect as before but there’s still a lot of good left so you both hold on.

But the issues and the tide will reappear again. And unless both people are trying to fix it, you realize you can’t do it alone.

The whole situation can seem impossible and overwhelming. And sometimes it’s easier to walk away when you feel hurt, even if you love someone.

But after some time has passed, you start to miss the other person and maybe even wish you had a second chance.

But what if all your bad memories-  every fight, every lie, every hurtful word ever spoken – were all erased.

What if you met again as strangers without a past.

Maybe this time you would both be different.

Maybe if enough time had passed and if your experiences had changed, maybe you’d both be better.

Maybe. Or maybe erasing the past wouldn’t make any difference at all.

Don’t mistakes teach us what not to do next time and how to be better?

How would we know what to do differently if there were no past to learn from?

Maybe a second chance with someone wouldn’t be wonderful at all.

To go through the hurt and pain of breaking up all over again? No one would ever choose that.

And what if the other person walked away without a fight. Or they treated you badly the first time?

If they really loved you, wouldn’t they have tried harder and treated you better? Would it be any different the second time?

It takes mutual love and respect and the effort from two people, to build the relationship and to protect the sand castle.

These are all just words and words don’t really mean anything unless the person who they are meant for actually reads them.

And even if they read them, there are no magic words that can change the past and make things work. Not even “I love you,” not even “I’m sorry,” and not even “I really wish we could start over again.”

Love isn’t always enough and some things were just not meant to be.

What does matter is finding someone who won’t give up on you. Even after you’ve messed up.

Someone who is as passionate about you as you are about them.

Otherwise, all you end up with is a pile of useless fucking sand.

“If you love something, let it go.

If you don’t love something, definitely let it go. Basically, just drop everything, who cares.” – B.J. Novak

 

I Love You, by Banksy, canvas print.

I Love You, by Banksy, canvas print.

 

   http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2954530560/tt0338013