Take all the stars in the sky,
Like a million tiny what if’s,
And trade them all in
For the moon.
Miss Moneypenny @_Ms_Moneypenny_
How To Be Late For Almost Anything
Aww. My very first How To blog. I suppose one must be an expert of sorts to write a How To blog.
Looking back from elementary school to present day, if being late for practically-every-single-thing-in-my-life EVER counts as experience, I, my dear friends, am an Expert at Being Late (capitalized out of respect).
How To Be Late for Practically Anything and Everything:
1. Check Email.
Okay, everyone knows how vitally important it is to check your email 2-73 times per day. And it is especially important to check it immediately before any important engagements you may have. Like, say 5 minutes before you have to leave for work. That’s actually the best time to stop, pour yourself a cup of coffee and sit down in a nice comfy chair to read and reply to every single email you have every received.
2. Coffee.
Speaking of coffee, it’s kind of insane to think you can actually go anywhere or do anything without first having a cup of coffee. But who drinks just one cup of coffee? That’s the equivalent of eating just one M&M or just one slice of pizza. NO ONE does that. And since you’ll be having several cups, it’s probably best just to make an entire fresh pot. And that takes time. So what if you’re late? YOU HAD TO MAKE THE COFFEE.
3. Ignore the clock.
Clock, schmock. Constantly checking the time is a HUGE time waster. You have plenty of time. So why repeatedly check the clock? That just takes MORE time. Instead, estimate how much time you have left before you have to leave. The best formula is: Estimate how many minutes you have – Divided by the number of things you still have to do – Subtract the number of minutes you need to get ready and VIOLA. Now you know exactly how much time you have AND you actually SAVED time by NOT checking the clock, so ADD another 2-7 minutes to that. You have so much extra time now, you could practically take a nap and read an entire issue of Cat Fancy and STILL be on time. *Maybe.
4. Change outfits at the last minute.
Seriously. Are you REALLY going to wear THAT? Did you not put any thought or effort into your outfit? I mean, COME ON. You look awful. Okay, maybe not awful, but mediocre at best. Strip down and stand naked in your closet and shout “I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR” as you search frantically for something acceptable. Bonus points if the one and only outfit you need is dirty and buried under a 2 foot pile of unclean bed linens in the laundry room.
5. Accidentally let the dog loose.
Poor Fido. He doesn’t get nearly enough exercise as he should. Why not accidentally let him out 2 minutes before you have to be somewhere important? As he’s running like a bat out of hell down the street, stopping only to pee in your neighbors yard, run (slowly) after him, shouting “OMG, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO GET THERE ON TIME. WE MAY AS WELL STAY HOME.” Depending on how fast your dog runs, and what type of weather conditions you’re having – rain, wind or a dreaded tsunami- any type of inclement weather will make you even MORE late since you now have to RE-DO YOUR HAIR. This just might be the best way to get out of going anywhere.
6. Unforeseeable acts of nature.
Oh dear. Wouldn’t it be awful is some unforeseeable event occurred RIGHT before you had to leave? Like, The Weather Channel announcing a Category 37 Hurricane is approaching and EVERYONE MUST TAKE COVER IN THE BASEMENT, RIGHT THIS MINUTE. But you can’t count on that happening. But even worse than watching a tornado blowing you car away forever and ever, what if you suddenly realize that the shoes you picked out actually DON’T match the tights that DON’T match that skirt that REALLY don’t match your earrings? Or chipping a nail and you JUST GOT THAT manicure TWO DAYS AGO and it’s her fault because SHE RUSHED THROUGH YOUR MANICURE. Or you switched YOUR lunch with your kids school lunch and there is NO WAY IN HELL I’M GOING TO EAT A GRAPE UNCRUSTABLE A-FUCKING-GAIN.
By the time you check your email, finish your coffee, fix your hair, change your shoes, find a clean pair of pants, make a new lunch and finally catch the dog, it seems pretty obvious that, unless there is some MIRACLE, there is NO way you will EVER make it to work, your doctor’s appointment, the chili cook off, grandma’s funeral or your husbands/wifes/brothers/uncles company picnic on time.
So before you waste any MORE time, slip on your favorite sweat/yoga pants, break out the Snuggie and the Cheeto’s and get ready to enjoy a few hours of The Bachelorette/Mad Men/Shark Week. Or, something we all love, the Lifetime Tyler Perry/James Bond/Golden Girls marathon. Now stop wasting time and GO.
Most might think of me as deep and serious and melancholy and heartbroken, based on what I write. But you people don’t know me at-fucking-all.
The Road
My heart races
I feel it pounding in my chest
I want to catch my breath and stop time
Make this moment last forever
But I know I can’t
He’ll be gone soon, like every other time
And I’ll watch from my window, as his old car rolls down the road, and eventually turns the bend out of my view
Forever.
There’s something a bit sad about watching a car drive away. Not knowing when you’ll see them again, or if they will ever come back.
Downtown Breckinridge.
Untitled
I want to be the breeze
That flows through your window
Effortlessly
As you make your way through each day
That refreshes you after a hard day
Energizes you
Lifts you
Calms you -MMP
Brokenhearted Girl
Nothing is more irresistibly beautiful and alluring and empty and sad
Than a brokenhearted girl
Nothing
She is hopeful and hopeless
Passionate and depressed
Nostalgically longing for the past
As the days and weeks trample her shattered dreams
One by fucking one
Until one day she wakes up
Surrounded by strangers and noise and interruptions
Swirling all around her
The wind, tossing her hair
Longing to touch her beauty
She rejects them all
Instead, choosing her memories
Imprisoned in her own mind
Tragically, courting her own sadness
– MMP
Soul Mate
“It amazes me that people think their soul mate is going to show up in their life at this predestined time and be this flawless person.
A true soul mate is a mirror of yourself, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back,
The person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
But they have the one thing you don’t have:
Which is the introspection to help you become great.”
“People eventually get sick of waiting.
Take a chance on someone,
And by the art of commitment become soul mates, which takes a lifetime to perfect.”
― Criss Jami, Venus in Arms
“I love you, he thought, looking at her.
I love every part of you, every thought and word…the entire complex, fascinating bundle of all the things you are.
I want you with ten different kinds of need at once.
I love all the seasons of you, the way you are now, the thought of how much more beautiful you’ll be in the decades to come.
I love you for being the answer to every question my heart could ask.
And it seemed so easy, once he capitulated. It seemed natural and right.
And there was no more holding back.
He would take her.
And he would give her everything he had, every part of his soul, even the broken pieces.”
― Lisa Kleypas, Seduce Me at Sunrise
“I don’t know what circumstances occurred in your life for you to build such a strong brick wall around your heart,
but I do intend to tear it down.”
― Tina Carreiro, Power of the Moon
“It suddenly made sense.
Only twice in his life had he felt this inexplicable, almost mystical attraction to a woman.
He’d thought it remarkable, to have found two, when in his heart he’d always believed there was only one perfect woman out there for him.”
― Julia Quinn, An Offer From a Gentleman
“Maybe we weren’t soul mates, But we fell in love anyway.
Drawn together like the moon pulls the tides,
And you can’t control that.
We fell in love,
And every single moment after that was so amazing and special.”
― N. Moneypenny, Miss Moneypenny Naked
Rain and Sun
That moment when the sun is shining,
Then the rain starts to fall.
That beautiful mix of sadness and light.
That’s what I want. In a person.
– MMP
Missing Pieces
My aunt Georgia had 7 children. Her youngest son, Nathan was born the same month as me.
He was only 6 years old when he was riding his bicycle in front of their house and was hit by a car.
My aunt heard the crash and the screams and she went running out to the road.
But there was nothing she could do. It was too late.
Her youngest child died in her arms.
One week earlier, Nathan had brought home a craft he had made at school. It was a Mother’s day bouquet of flowers he had made out of an egg carton and colored pipe cleaners.
Like all children, he was always bringing home drawings and crafts from school and many found their way into the garbage can.
After his death, my aunt frantically dug through the kitchen garbage can, tears streaming down her face, desperate to find the egg carton flowers she had mindlessly thrown away the week before.
She found them and she sat on her kitchen floor, clutching them in her hands as she cried and cried.
Life is cruel to us this way.
About ten years after Nathan’s death, while they were out for the evening, my aunt’s home burnt to the ground. Nothing was left.
Only rubble and the charred remains of what had been their home.
Everything was lost.
But somehow, two things were salvaged and found in perfect condition: Nathan’s baby spoon and the bouquet of egg carton flowers.
Life surprises us this way, making us believe that perhaps miracles do happen.
* * *
On the day of my aunts funeral a few years ago, in her open casket lying next to her, was the bouquet of egg carton flowers that Nathan had made.
She had saved and preserved them for almost 30 years.
I was sad that she had passed. But she had lived a long and beautiful life. But when I saw the egg carton flowers, it moved me to tears.
* * *
Each one of us is unique. And we will meet very few people who will fit perfectly into our lives, much like a missing key.
Like a missing piece that perhaps we didn’t even realize we were missing – until we are lucky enough to find it.
And when you find someone like this – your missing piece – you fucking hold onto them for dear life.
And if you should lose your missing piece, you desperately hold onto the things that remind of you them: like old photographs, or an article of clothing that still bears their scent, or maybe a cherished object.
Most times, the object we cling so dearly to, was something that meant nothing to us while that person was still in our lives.
Like egg carton flowers.
* * *
And now you are gone and I think of you every day. And there are no egg carton flowers to haunt me.
Only memories and dreams and plans and promises and words spoken.
And words not spoken.
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No matter the circumstances – by death or otherwise – losing someone you love is painful. There is an ache in your heart that never goes away. And the beautiful memories torture you, keeping them alive in your mind.
Imagining they are close enough to touch, but never seeing their face again.
Like a beautiful angel that is just out of reach.
It tortures your soul and tears you apart. But you have no choice but to live with it every single day.
Because, what other choice do you have?
You never get used to the pain or that feeling of loss and it feels just as raw as it did the day you lost them.
And with each day that goes by, part of your heart dies a little more.
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Something Sweet
I remember when my sister first started dating her husband. She was in nursing school and he was an exchange student going to college in Syracuse, living in the U.S. on a temporary Visa. They hadn’t been dating very long when she brought him home for the first time to meet our family. When we were alone, I remember her telling me how he first told her that he loved her.
He told me he loved me and I said ‘But you barely even know me.’
His response was “What I do know about you, I already love.”
I’ll never forget that because it was terribly romantic and sweet. And I was still a teenager and I hadn’t experienced real love yet.
And as I am writing this I realize that I don’t remember the first time my ex-husband told me that he loved me.
Maybe because it wasn’t memorable.
Or maybe because it doesn’t matter now.
Or maybe for a hundred other reasons.
But I will always remember that exchange between my sister and her first husband that had occurred years earlier.
I think it’s one of those moments where you should remember. It should be memorable and sweet and meaningful.
Because it’s a milestone of sorts in a new relationship.
It’s like the official beginning of a new relationship.
That’s it. That’s all I have.
Just a sweet memory about my sister that I wanted to share. -MMP
I Stopped Caring
A funny thing happens when someone you just met finds your blog.
Panic.
Last night I re-read my posts here and many of them were very difficult for me to read.
I didn’t recognize my own words.
Then I realized I’m not that person anymore.
I’m not gloomy and sad and depressed anymore. Thankfuckinggod.
I’m happier.
Again.
Everything has changed, but for the better.
And I no longer believe that all things happen for a reason.
Because I never deserved to be mistreated that way.
No one has ever lied and deceived me, disrespected and used me before.
You are not a very nice person. But somehow I wanted to see and find the good in you.
And now I know, the only good thing about you – was me.
But you no longer have me.
And do not think for one second, dear, that the universe will allow you to get away with all you have done.
Karma has a way of repaying those who have done harm and you will pay for the damage you have caused me and to others.
I forgive you. Because I know how miserable and unhappy you are.
And I don’t need to know how horribly your life ends up. Because I simply do not fucking care anymore.
Forgiving you was the first part. And now I’m forgetting you. Forfuckingever.
You were never worth my time, my adoration or my tears.
And I don’t hate you. I feel nothing for you. You no longer exist in my world.
And I don’t know what I’ll be doing next year, or where I’ll be, or who I’ll be with.
But I know I’ll be even happier than I am today.
Because the farther away you are in my past, the happier I become.
A funny thing happens when you stop caring.
You are finally able to breathe again. And to smile.
And move on.
And I am happy again.
And it’s the most freeing feeling in the world.
“I forgive people by forgetting about them.”
☠Chaotic Disaster☠ @That_Damn_Duck
Miss Moneypenny Naked 