I Always Fall for the Average Guy

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I’ve dated. A lot. Hot guys, average guys, tall and short guys, smart and nerdy guys, quiet and shy guys. I’ve dated American guys, Canadian guys, British guys and Swedish guys. Okay, only one Swedish guy, but still.

I’ve dated lawyers, engineers, a Secret Service agent, a construction worker, a fireman (he was sweet), rich guys and poor guys. I even dated a body builder, who not surprisingly was dirt poor. We all label people, but the body builder was actually one of the most sensitive guys I’ve ever dated. We were together for almost 4 years. You don’t spend years with someone simply because their body is perfect, because I could have cared less. I stayed with him because he was respectful and sweet.

I’m a sucker for sensitive, funny and sweet. Throw in cute and it’s so over.

I’ve been quite fortunate to have traveled quite a bit during my life and I’ve met many men.  But you don’t have to travel far to find the guy who thinks he is super hot. You know: the one who also comes with a super sized ego. They’re the ones who get the most attention – good and bad – and more often than not, the equally superficial girls.

Personally, I think it’s the average, guy-next-door types who are the real hotties. Because understated is sexy and an overblown ego is not.

The Average Joe. What makes him so special?

How many times have you seen a drop-dead gorgeous girl with an average looking guy? It happens all the time.

Why? Because he’s really not that much different than someone like Steve Carell.

I recently told a guy he reminded me of Steve Carell and his response was “Fuck you.”

But not an angry Fuck you. More of a Haha, that’s funny fuck you.

Either way, why would any guy be offended by that? I’m betting that 90% of women reading this would love to date Steve Carell.

Am I right, ladies?

Steve Carrell is funny and smart and so fucking cute. But he’s not so disastrously good looking that it has totally gone to his head.

He’s also a family man (which is a rare find these days), a doting husband, successful, and all around great guy. All of which makes him the poster boy for the Average Guy.

But most importantly, Steve Carrell is respectful and humble. And those two qualities are ultimately what separates the jerks from the nice guys.

It’s not how a man looks. It’s how he behaves.

Gorgeous or not, women don’t want any guy who is full of himself. Women want a gentleman. They want a man with manners. They want someone who can make them laugh. And someone who can laugh at himself. Women want a man who is real.

Let’s face it, some guys simply try way too hard. I once dated a guy who wore more self-tanner than I do, bragged about his pricey custom made clothing and had an apartment that resembled a hotel room suite. Zero clutter. And zero personality.

We met on a dating site (and I admit, I winked at him first, because hot) and before we ever went out, he sent me an email saying he would never date a woman who had children because he was admittedly “too selfish.”  So I left it at that and moved on to the next profile.

Two weeks later, he emailed me again saying he would make an exception to his “never date single moms” rule and asked to meet for a drink. And although I should have seen the red flags waving, I’m the kind of girl who says “Fuck it”, so I decided to give it a whirl. On our first date, he spent an hour talking about the beautiful, but very dumb woman, he had dated the year before. He admitted she was completely clueless, yet she was “so beautiful.” His “Russian Princess.”
Apparently Russian Princesses are unable to operate an “oven” and don’t know how to “mail a package” (his words, not mine).

It amazed me that a man as educated and intellectual as he was, had wasted 2 years of his life with someone so incompatible. But at least she was hot.

I couldn’t get past the fact that looks were more important to him than a woman’s intelligence and personality.

We dated briefly, and although he wasn’t a bad person, he also had a huge ego. He genuinely thought he was hot shit in his $500 shirts.

PS: The GAP has those exact same shirts for like $30 on sale.

Confidence is sexy, but cockiness is so very not. Next, please.

It’s not difficult to find a hot guy or a pretty girl. Good looks are pretty standard these days. But finding someone who you can actually connect with, someone who makes you laugh, someone down to earth, someone kind, who you can have a stimulating conversation with, someone smart and funny, and someone that accepts you exactly the way you are, is not easy to find.

I once had a guy ask me for full body photos and one additional photo of my ass (yes, a close up of my ass) before he would agree to meet me. He justified himself by telling me he needed to know if he would be “attracted” to me. (I really hope my Mom isn’t reading this. Look away, Mom. LOOK AWAY.)

And I hate to admit this, but I sent him a photo of my ass in sexy underwear. Fuck, I hate myself. (Again with the whole “Fuck it” thing.)

I’m not proud of that – and that is the one and only time I have ever done that – but if I had to do all over again, I would have told him “No thanks” and moved on to the next person. Live and learn.

It sometimes feels like you have to look like a model to get a mans attention. Being smart and funny and interesting simply isn’t good enough anymore.

You have to be all of those and be beautiful, too.

Another guy’s dating profile read: “I don’t want a woman who’s a 10. I want an 11.”  Seriously?

Sadly this is what dating has come to.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Steve Carrell never asked Nancy Walls (his wife of 18 years) for an ass pic before he decided to go out on a date with her. But I could be wrong. Maybe he’s more of a boobs guy.

Guys who put that much importance on how someone looks could care less whether you dropped out of high school or have a Masters in Astronomy.

And they probably don’t care that you spent 2 weeks volunteering in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina or that you spend one weekend a month volunteering at a soup kitchen.

None of that stuff matters.

However, your body better be perfect.

I think most average guys genuinely appreciate a woman. And they’re respectful.

I wonder how Mr. Send Me an Ass Pic would feel if some guy asked his daughter that same question.

Average guys explore a woman’s mind. They ask her questions.

Instead of asking what her ass looks like, they are more likely to ask her what her favorite book is.

They don’t care that you’re not a super model. But they will tell you that you’re imperfections are what make you beautiful.

Because they’re not perfect either.

No matter what someone looks like (hot, average or otherwise), I honestly believe that like attracts like. I think self-centered people attract equally self-absorbed people. Ego attracts ego.

And I think nerdy, sweet girls attract equally nerdy and sweets guys. And so on.

And that’s probably a really good thing.

Because if that’s true, all of the vacuous Barbie dolls will end up with Mr. Look At The $500 Shirt I’m Wearing, leaving all of those cute, sweet, and funny average guys for the rest of us.

Lucky us.

Dear Steve, if you and Nancy ever split up, please call me.

Steve_Carrell

My Perfect Man: The handsome and charming Steve Carell.

Look Closer

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Part I

Chaos swirls

Of crowds and strangers and vacant stares

They look right through you.

Nothing and everything

Meaningless and empty.

Then

You catch a glimpse

Her face catching the light

She is a beacon

Calm.

You look closer.

Her eyes draw you in.

And she is drawn to yours.

Her voice is soft and comforting.

Lilting

Like the moan of the wind

And all you want

Is to drown inside her mind.

Part II

Rain rolls down the window

Concealing your view

Still, you see it

The light.

You recognize the beauty through the haze.

And maybe that is what makes it so appealing

Veiled

Mysterious

Unknown.

An enigma.

Your soul aches for more.

Part III

You reach closer

She draws back

Hiding.

Covering her face

She runs away

Fearful

Distrusting

Guarding her heart

She slams it closed

Locking it shut

And throws the key into the river.

Gone.

Never allowing anyone to get past the gate.

–

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I am open, but extremely private. If you can earn my trust, I will do anything for you. I will hand you the world, wrapped inside my heart.

–Miss Moneypenny ‏@_Ms_Moneypenny_

 

The Trunk in the Attic

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I found an old trunk in the attic of my new house.

Ironically, my new house is actually a beautiful old farmhouse. It’s 120 years old to be exact.

I often imagine who might have lived here 120 years ago. There are two front doors. One is the original front door and the second is the old back door that was removed from the rear of the house when it was restored six years ago.

The original front door has the letter ‘G’ scrolled on the front. I imagine the ‘G’ family that once lived here all those years ago. I imagine the children running through the house on a hot summer day screaming and laughing, as their mother called after them to go outside and play.

There is a large back yard that borders the huge brick farmhouse next door. A massive tree, most likely 100+ years old itself,  connects our yards. And across the road, two farms are the home to forty or fifty-plus cows, peacefully grazing.

So back to the trunk.

The day I signed the paperwork, the owner and I walked through the house. He explained how he had restored the house and had done all of the work himself. Finally,  we went up to the attic and I asked him “Who’s trunk is that?”

“I don’t know,” he replied. I moved toward it and almost as in slow motion, I reach my hand out, ready to open it. But then I stopped.

In such an old house I wonder how old must the trunk be? And all I can imagine is ghosts are locked away in the trunk. Yes, it’s silly, I know.

So I backed away and headed back down the narrow stairs, closing the attic door behind me.

The attic door itself is a bit unusual. And I am certain it’s the original door. It faces the hallway connecting the master bedroom to the master bath and you have to pass it each time you are in the bedroom.

A week later, I moved into my beautiful new, old house. The movers helped me move a few things into the attic. It was sunny that day and the bright light shined through the small attic window. But yet, it still felt a bit dark.

And there stood the trunk. Still unopened. Still a mystery to me.

I hesitated and looked at it from the top of the attic stairs, wondering what could be inside? Again, I decided not to open it and went back downstairs.

When you live in an old house, it’s almost impossible not to imagine that perhaps ghosts or spirits live there, too.

But it wasn’t long after we moved into our wonderful old farmhouse that I realized that if there really were ghosts living with us, they had to be friendly ones.

The only noises that I hear late at night are the ones my cats make as they stretch during their sleep. Or the soft padding of their feet on the freshly waxed hard wood floors.

And sometimes when I think I hear something odd, I stop to listen. Only to realize it’s just the sound of the November wind reminding us that winter is almost here.

And although the house is large and quite old, I feel very safe and happy here.

There is something very calming and peaceful about living in the country. It can’t quite be explained unless you have experienced it for yourself.

How could such a charming and beautiful old home have anything but friendly ghosts?

It’s only been a few weeks, but between working, unpacking and trying to organize my new life, I find my days are quite full.

There’s no time to explore abandoned trunks or old attics.

And so the trunk will have to wait. For now anyway.

And maybe when the spring and the longer, warmer days arrive, I’ll decide to open it then.

Or not.

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For now, I’ll leave the attic undisturbed. – MMP

How To Date A Jerk

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Original title: How To Snag a Good Jerk Before All the Best Ones Are Taken. 

Why would anyone want to date a jerk?

Besides the fact that they are impossible to avoid, the truth is jerks can actually be very interesting people. They can be well read, smart, funny and charming.  They can make you feel really great about yourself, too. Right up until the time they start lying to you. And the cheating part isn’t much fun, either. It’s easy to overlook the negative when we only see the positives. Sweet. Romantic. Sexy. Generous. Thoughtful. In fact a jerk will use those great qualities to lure you in.

Nice smile = I bet he’s nice. He’d make a good boyfriend. Sexy = I bet he’s a great kisser. Sweet = Oh, he told me I was beautiful. *swoon* Thoughtful = He sent you a “Good morning” text. And he sent you your favorite flowers on your birthday. Generous = He took you to dinner and ordered the most expensive wine (all 4 bottles) and now you’re too drunk to drive and that’s not safe, so you should probably stay at his place tonight and OOPS, now you’re naked in his bed. How did that happen?

See what I mean?

I’m certainly not saying that having sex makes someone a jerk. One of the most meaningful relationships I’ve ever had started out that way (sort of, but not really). The point is it’s the ones who keep you guessing all the time, the ones who disappear for weeks & months at a time, the ones who can never give you a straight answer: All jerks.

It wasn’t easy becoming an expert on jerks, but somehow I managed. And the truth is, if we ever rid the earth of all the jerks, there would be very few men -or women- left. Dating jerks can not only be entertaining and fun (in the beginning) but it’s practically impossible to avoid, so choose wisely.

The key is picking the best ones. Jerks come in all shapes and forms. So at least try and choose one that treats his mother well and bonus points if he likes animals. But avoid the Deadbeat Dads at all costs. They fall into the Complete Loser Jerks category, another variety altogether. At least the jerks I dated all had jobs. Well, most of them.

The descriptions I’ve provided are broad, based on my own experiences, so the ones you meet may vary slightly. Here’s a quick overview, from least jerky to most jerky (although 1 and 2 might be tied for equal jerkiness):

How To Spot a Jerk:

1. Mr. Perfect 

Ah, Mr. Perfect, aka: Mr. Great Hair. He has all the physical qualities of The Perfect Man: the fabulous hair, a handsome face, he’s tall, and has a fit body. Physically ideal from head to toe.  He’s successful, has a great job, the modern bachelor pad, the fancy car, the designer clothes, the whole deal. This guy will make all your friends jealous. I mean, what woman would NOT want to date him? He’s never late and he plans every-single-thing (aka: boring). But, he’s too perfect. And he expects you to be perfect, too. Because he suffers from Narcissistic Perfectionism, he will end up criticizing and critiquing every single thing you do. Nothing is ever good enough for him because everything has to be done his way, perfectly. He has to be right all the time and he will remind you constantly. Because he’s unable to appreciate an independent minded woman who thinks for herself. Ultimately, he’ll end up with a beautiful, yet completely vacuous and dull girl, and they will live a very uneventful life together.  The bad news: She will bore him to tears and eventually, she’ll walk away with half of his money. And maybe his fancy car, too. So much for happily ever after. The good news:  He will always have great hair.

2. Mr. Charming

Aka: Mr. Sweet Talker. This guy thinks he’s God’s gift to women. And quite frankly, he could probably charm any woman (or man) into bed.  And he probably already has. If black books were still a thing, he’d have a list of fuck buddies 1,908 pages long. And he keeps his phone locked for that exact reason. He is an expert at schmoozing everyone: men and women.  Which is how he got you. He charmed you into thinking he’s Mr. Faithful, but he’s not.  Far from it. I mean a guy this great should be in a committed relationship, right? The reason he’s still single is because he can’t stay faithful to anyone.  He’s so charming, that even his lies sound believable. He’ll tell you (and all the others he’s sleeping with) how “beautiful” and “special” you are. He uses both reverse psychology and self-deprecation, to appear humble. He’ll tell you how awful he treated his ex, how HE screwed up, and how it was all HIS fault. He’ll tell you how much better he is now, how much he’s learned and how much he’s GROWN from that experience. He’ll say he’s a better man now and blah, blah, blah. He knows exactly what to say to charm you. Right into bed. It’s easy to fall in love with a sweet talker but he’s too in love with himself to love anyone else. He isn’t looking for a real relationship: just another fuck buddy. He’s having sex with so many women, he will slip up. And if you question him, he’ll schmooze and lie his way out of it, attempting to distract you with his charm. So be smart and don’t fall for that crap, beautiful. PS: You’re really special.

3.  Mr. Excuses

Although he’s so sweet and thoughtful in the beginning, you will soon find out that Mr. Excuses (aka: Mr. Liar) has a reason for everything. He had to cancel your date because “He has a big presentation at work tomorrow.”  He still texts other women because “They’re still just friends.”  He can’t see you next week (or the week after that) because “He’ll be out of town on business.” He isn’t looking for a girlfriend because “He needs to find himself first” or “He’s still trying to get over his ex.” He won’t commit to the relationship because “He might get a job in Timbuktu and they only cover a one-way plane ticket and it would break his heart if he moved away and couldn’t see you again.” He had sex with another woman because “You two were fighting and he was out of town and he had too much to drink and it didn’t mean anything.” He can’t invite you over to his place because “He got fired, got arrested, spent all his money on whores and now lives in his mother’s basement.” He has naked photos of other women on his cell phone because “He’s a jerk that has been lying to you and blahfuckingblah.” Need more examples? I think we covered this one.

4. Mr. Sensitive

More like Mr. Insecure. Don’t let his sweet sensitivity, good manners and his soft spoken demeanor fool you. This guy would actually be really great IF he didn’t have so many insecurities and issues. We all have shortcomings, but this man is defined by his. Maybe it’s because his mother didn’t love him enough, or it might be the voices in his own head. More likely it’s a combination of multiple things. The fact is many people have had a crappy childhood. Maybe it was sexual, mental or physical abuse or a parent who was never around. It could be a million things. We are all shaped by our past experiences. And while some people are capable of overcoming a difficult past, sadly some people are not. Not everyone is mentally equipped to conquer their emotional demons. (Which is why they invented THERAPISTS.) The worst part is that because of his issues, this man doesn’t respect himself, so he is incapable of respecting you. He is incapable of reciprocating love. He will most likely drink and use drugs as a source to cover his pain. Sadly, his issues combined with his alcohol and drugs use, will always keep him down. No matter what he tries to convince you of, his demons are his own. It’s actually difficult to find any humor in this one. So unless he seeks counseling and changes, this is one to definitely avoid. *waves 47 red flags* This man needs empathy, but more than anything, he needs to be left alone. RUN, FORREST, RUN.

__________________________________________________________

After reading over all four (because I’ve only slept with four guys in my life, ever) it appears that many of the guys I’ve been with, all actually cross over into multiple categories. I imagine my exes reading this and trying to guess which one they are. The truth is, many men (and women) are smart, charming and sensitive. We have all lied at some point in our lives. So all four of the men I’ve been with – and everyone on the face of the earth – could potentially fall into 2 or 3 different categories. Including Mr. Control Freak and Mr. Immature. (Okay, FINE. I slept with six guys total. Whatever.)

It’s easy to label someone, but we are all human and everyone makes mistakes. And I could be labeled, too. Every person who has ever dated has committed some relationship crime. But the difference is I never cheated.  I never had an adulterous affair and I never saved the naked pictures as proof.  I was never unfaithful.  It was their own behavior –  the lying and the cheating – that ultimately destroyed every relationship.

Once someone has cheated and lied to you, it’s almost impossible to ever go back.

As you can see, I have had a very positive, happy and successful dating history. It makes you wonder why so many women call men names like jerk or liar, doesn’t it? I guess that will continue to remain a mystery.

The bottom line is that it all comes down to respect and honesty. Respect someone enough to always be upfront and honest with them. No hiding, no lies, no secrets. And if you can always do that, you might just become the Best and Most Honest and Loving Jerk Ever.

Next: How to REFORM A Jerk and Make Him a Better Man. Who knows? Anything is possible.Xoxo

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Disclaimer: All names and identities have been changed to protect the jerks in each description, because jerks deserve privacy, too. Plus, I don’t want to get sued. (Again.) As I wrote this draft, I actually had each guy’s real name next to each description. So if there’s a way technology can go back in time and find that draft, revealing each one’s actual name, maybe I will end up getting in trouble after all. Oh, well.

Final Note: Given everything, I still believe in love. And more importantly, I think most men do, too. Even the jerky ones. Xoxo -MMP

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How To Get Over an Ex

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Contrary to popular belief, it’s actually very easy to get over an ex. Here’s how.

1. Realize it was NOT love.

If you were really, truly meant to be with someone, then DUH. You two would still be together. But you are not together. You are apart. And how can you love someone who left you? People break up for a reason. And that reason is: they were the wrong person for you. The right person would have stuck by you and would have never let you go. And even if it was love at one time, the love died. And dead things should be buried. So grab a shovel, dig a big hole and go bury it in your backyard. The eulogy is optional.

2. Make a list of all their bad qualities.

No one is perfect. And this is the best time to make an actual list of someone’s worst qualities. She was a liar. He cheated on you. You hated his shoes. (Seriously, they were really ugly.) She couldn’t cook. He sucked in bed. She wasn’t willing to experiment during sex. He drank too much. She had too many cats. He had a weird shaped head. She was emotionally unavailable. He was kind of a huge jerk. Okay, you get the idea. Create a list. And not just in your head. Write an actual list with pen and paper and post it on your refrigerator as a daily reminder. It may sound silly but it actually really helps. And each time you see it, it’s a happy reminder that you stopped wasting your time and moved on.

3. Delete & destroy all history.

This should actually be the FIRST thing you do. I dated a guy for 4+ years and saved every sweet email he ever sent me in a special folder. A week after our final break up, I deleted the entire folder. Four years of history all gone in an instant. At first, I panicked, but it was necessary. How can you move on when you keep re-reading old “I love you, my sweet little cupcake” emails? He/she does not love you anymore. You are no longer his sweet cupcake or sugar cookie. So delete everyfreakingthing. Delete all contact information from your phone. Delete all emails and all contact info from everywhere. Remove and BLOCK from all social media including Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare, LinkedIn, MySpace, YourSpace, and EverySpace.  If you’re truly going to get over someone, the only way to accomplish that is to remove all traces of the person from your entire life. Toss photographs, throw away old letters, burn his house down, and make a huge bonfire of any mementos from the relationship in your backyard. Make it FUN. Turn it into a block party. Invite all your neighbors and roast marshmallows over the fire as you laugh and watch it all burn, burn, burn. And don’t forget the hot dogs and beer.

4. Make a list of all the things you need & want to do.

Take a trip by yourself. Volunteer at an animal shelter and a soup kitchen. Paint and redecorate your bedroom. Buy a mountain bike and start biking. Go hang gliding. [I actually did all of those things.] Update your resume. Re-organize your closet. Learn French. Knit a Halloween costume for your cat. Write a book. Go out with your best friend and drink wine and make out with a complete stranger. You get the idea. Write out a list of every single thing you NEED and WANT to do. Update it daily and actually start doing everything on the list. Even if it takes you 6 months – 12 years to complete the entire list, you will be so freaking busy, you will not have time to think about the pathetic loser you were smart enough to remove from your life.

5. Allow yourself to feel sad.

It’s okay to feel sad. The longer the relationship, the more time needed to get over someone. My best friend dated a man for 7 years. A week after 250 wedding invitations had been mailed out, he left her for another woman. It took her one full year to get over him. That’s a little fast for a 7 yr. relationship, but a year is still a substantial amount of  time.  Be alone and allow yourself to cry. Moving on takes a lot of time and it’s best if you do it alone. You don’t want any hot guys (or girls) around watching you cry. No matter how hot you are, crying is NOT attractive and is best done alone. Or with a dog. Dogs are very sympathetic and can cheer you up. If you don’t have a dog, borrow one. Better yet, add “Adopt a dog from the animal shelter” to your LIST of things to do. Then both you and your dog can watch The Hangover and Anchorman together, because laughing is good, but seeing funny and sexy people in movies is even better.

6. Be alone.

Yes, I know I already wrote about being alone in #5, but the truth is being alone is a critical part of the healing process. You don’t have to join a convent or become a recluse, but you won’t be any good in your future relationships until you have A) learned to be alone, B) healed and completely moved on, and C) figured out who you are and what you want. And the only way to accomplish all three is time spent healing. ALONE.  But you can still hang out with friends and your new dog. Or cat. Or chinchilla. (CHOOSE THE DOG.)

7. Live your life.

After one breakup, I took root in my bedroom and cried for months on end. I stopped living. It was awful, but the worst part is that I wasted almost an entire year of my life just feeling sad. Looking back, I wish I’d written a list of all the things I wanted and needed to do and used that time to be more productive. I could have accomplished so much and I would have been way too busy to feel sad. Learn from my mistake: Create a list. And if it makes you feel better, add “Cry in bed for three days” to the list. But make sure it’s immediately followed by “Spend a week in Italy” and “Make out with a hot Italian stranger, drink Italian wine and take a gondola ride.” And if you can’t afford a trip to Italy, you can substitute that with “Spend the weekend watching Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead.” Because, right after a trip to Europe, nothing cheers you up faster than watching other people die

That was a few years ago and I’ve completely moved on. And aside from the jokes, it really does take some time to get over someone.

It’s okay to look back every once in awhile. And it’s okay to remember a special moment that once made you smile. As long as you continue to move forward, those memories will all eventually fade away and be replaced by all of the wonderful new memories you create, starting with today.

It’s really easy to forget. All it takes is some time.

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