Missing Pieces

My aunt Georgia had 7 children. Her youngest son, Nathan was born the same month as me.

He was only 6 years old when he was riding his bicycle in front of their house and was hit by a car.

My aunt  heard the crash and the screams and she went running out to the road.

But there was nothing she could do. It was too late.

Her youngest child died in her arms.

One week earlier, Nathan had brought home a craft he had made at school. It was a Mother’s day bouquet of flowers he had made out of an egg carton and colored pipe cleaners.

Like all children, he was always bringing home drawings and crafts from school and many found their way into the garbage can.

After his death, my aunt frantically dug through the kitchen garbage can, tears streaming down her face, desperate to find the egg carton flowers she had mindlessly thrown away the week before.

She found them and she sat on her kitchen floor, clutching them in her hands as she cried and cried.

Life is cruel to us this way.

About ten years after Nathan’s death, while they were out for the evening, my aunt’s home burnt to the ground. Nothing was left.

Only rubble and the charred remains of what had been their home.

Everything was lost.

But somehow, two things were salvaged and found in perfect condition: Nathan’s baby spoon and the bouquet of egg carton flowers.

Life surprises us this way, making us believe that perhaps miracles do happen.

* * *

On the day of my aunts funeral a few years ago, in her open casket lying next to her, was the bouquet of egg carton flowers that Nathan had made.

She had saved and preserved them for almost 30 years.

I was sad that she had passed. But she had lived a long and beautiful life. But when I saw the egg carton flowers, it moved me to tears.

* * *

Each one of us is unique. And we will meet very few people who will fit perfectly into our lives, much like a missing key.

Like a missing piece that perhaps we didn’t even realize we were missing – until we are lucky enough to find it.

And when you find someone like this – your missing piece – you fucking hold onto them for dear life.

And if you should lose your missing piece, you desperately hold onto the things that remind of you them:  like old photographs, or an article of clothing that still bears their scent, or maybe a cherished object.

Most times, the object we cling so dearly to, was something that meant nothing to us while that person was still in our lives.

Like egg carton flowers.

* * *

And now you are gone and I think of you every day. And there are no egg carton flowers to haunt me.

Only memories and dreams and plans and promises and words spoken.

And words not spoken.

No matter the circumstances – by death or otherwise – losing someone you love is painful.

There is an ache in your heart that never goes away.

And the beautiful memories torture you, keeping them alive in your mind.
Imagining they are close enough to touch, but never seeing their face again.
Like a beautiful angel that is just out of reach.
It tortures your soul and tears you apart. But you have no choice but to live with it every single day.
Because, what other choice do you have?
You never get used to the pain or that feeling of loss and it feels just as raw as it did the day you lost them.
And with each day that goes by, part of your heart dies a little more.

1a1EggFlower

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Something Sweet

I remember when my sister first started dating her husband. She was in nursing school and he was an exchange student going to college in Syracuse, living in the U.S. on a temporary Visa. They hadn’t been dating very long when she brought him home for the first time to meet our family. When we were alone, I remember her telling me how he first told her that he loved her.

He told me he loved me and I said ‘But you barely even know me.’

His response was “What I do know about you, I already love.”

 

I’ll never forget that because it was terribly romantic and sweet. And I was still a teenager and I hadn’t experienced real love yet.

And as I am writing this I realize that I don’t remember the first time my ex-husband told me that he loved me.

Maybe because it wasn’t memorable.

Or maybe because it doesn’t matter now.

Or maybe for a hundred other reasons.

But I will always remember that exchange between my sister and her first husband that had occurred years earlier.

I think it’s one of those moments where you should remember. It should be memorable and sweet and meaningful.

Because it’s a milestone of sorts in a new relationship.

It’s like the official beginning of a new relationship.

 

That’s it. That’s all I have.

Just a sweet memory about my sister that I wanted to share. -MMP

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I Stopped Caring

A funny thing happens when someone you just met finds your blog.

Panic.

Last night I re-read my posts here and many of them were very difficult for me to read.

I didn’t recognize my own words.

Then I realized I’m not that person anymore.

I’m not gloomy and sad and depressed anymore. Thankfuckinggod.

I’m happier.

Again.

Everything has changed, but for the better.

And I no longer believe that all things happen for a reason.

Because I never deserved to be mistreated that way.

No one has ever lied and deceived me, disrespected and used me before.

You are not a very nice person. But somehow I wanted to see and find the good in you.

And now I know, the only good thing about you – was me.

But you no longer have me.

And do not think for one second, dear, that the universe will allow you to get away with all you have done.

Karma has a way of repaying those who have done harm and you will pay for the damage you have caused me and to others.

I forgive you.  Because I know how miserable and unhappy you are.

And I don’t need to know how horribly your life ends up. Because I simply do not fucking care anymore.

Forgiving you was the first part. And now I’m forgetting you. Forfuckingever.

You were never worth my time, my adoration or my tears.

And I don’t hate you. I feel nothing for you. You no longer exist in my world.

And I don’t know what I’ll be doing next year, or where I’ll be, or who I’ll be with.

But I know I’ll be even happier than I am today.

Because the farther away you are in my past, the happier I become.

 

 

A funny thing happens when you stop caring.

You are finally able to breathe again. And to smile.

And move on.

And I am happy again.

And it’s the most freeing feeling in the world.

“I forgive people by forgetting about them.”

☠Chaotic Disaster☠ @That_Damn_Duck

“I woke up and I forgave you.  Now my real journey begins.”

8dBean @IMBeanz

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Love Pain Death

One of life’s great cruelties is that great love is often followed by great pain.

Love can be the most amazing feeling in the world.

And the loss of that love can be equally crippling.

There is no easy way to cope with loss.

Alcohol and drugs only numb the pain temporarily.

I was never one to do drugs. My entire drug history consists of smoking pot a handful of times when I was too drunk to even notice. So drugs are not an option for me.

But allowing yourself to feel raw sadness can be overwhelming, leaving you feeling hopeless and empty.

~

I was always the happy girl. The social butterfly. Smiling and laughing and carefree.

But life takes unexpected turns.  A seemingly meaningless event – a chance meeting, or one wrong decision – can change us forever.

And we are never the same again.

Some events cause great joy. And some cause great pain.

Coping mechanisms are just a temporary fix.

I have found some small comfort in writing.

But it is not nearly enough.

And for the first time in my life I understand the logic in taking ones life.

The person who ends their life does so, because that is the only way they know how to end their pain.

I used to think that equalled weakness.

But it takes a lot of strength and resolve and courage to take your life.

Death can be a comforting thought. The thought of a perfect life in the after world, and more importantly, eternal peace.

And the possibility of being reincarnated and the gift of a second chance at happiness – all give hope to someone who only feels pain.

And unlike love and happiness, pain is often not fleeting.

Happy moments are just that: brief moments in time that begin and end.

But for some, pain is a constant. You can distract yourself and keep busy. But underneath it all, the pain is always there.

It may be the loss of a child. Or the death of a loved one.

Or losing the only person you ever truly loved.

The cause is different for each person – but the pain is equally debilitating.

It can be unbearably overwhelming.

And there is no magic pill or a switch you can flip to turn it off.

Telling someone to move on, that things will get better or that there are others worse off, are all as empty and hollow and meaningless as scribbles on a scrap of paper.

There is nothing you can say to make someone feel better. Empty words only make someone feel worse.

And nothing can can bring someone back into your life after they have gone.

You can’t create love and you can’t erase pain.

But perhaps after death, we have a new chance at finding the happiness that eluded us in this lifetime.

Maybe death isn’t an end. Perhaps it’s a new beginning.

A fresh start.

A chance to finally find love and happiness in a world that cheated us out of that opportunity the first time.

Perhaps we shouldn’t fear death- but instead accept it and embrace it.

And hope that maybe we will find love, happiness and meaning in our life if given a second chance.

~

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Some Questions Will Never Be Answered

Why is it so hard to let go?

Why do you still love someone who never cared about you?

Why do we have to hurt this way?

How did we get to this place?

Why can’t we forget about the past and just start over?

Why is it such a struggle just trying to be friends?

Why can’t we just allow ourselves to be loved?

Why did all of this happen to us?

Why can’t you stop talking and simply hold me and hug me until all my hurt goes away?

Why can’t we stop looking back?

How do we pick up all of these pieces and fix this?

Why did we have to hurt each other?

Why did we both have to be so stubborn?

Maybe I never loved you and maybe you never loved her.

Maybe we just needed to meet each other to help each other get through a difficult point in our lives.

Maybe none of it even matters.

Maybe nothing matters at all.

Why can’t we try….. just one more time?

Where do we go from here?

Why, after all we have been through- after all the hurt, the lies, and the pain- am I still willing to give this another try?

Why do I still care?

Why was it so easy for you to give up and walk away?

Why do I still see something in you that no one else can see?

Isn’t that worth something to you?

Why do I still have so much hope?

Maybe that is the biggest question of all.

Why is real, true, genuine, unconditional love, so elusive?

Why is real, true, genuine, unconditional love, so elusive?

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Two People

Two people

Complete opposites.

Two people

Man and woman

Or boy and girl?

So childlike in some ways that perhaps they needed each other

As most children do.

Two people

Lost

Blindly finding their way.

Two people

Who met

Who fell in love

Who destroyed that love

Each by their own destructive ways.

Two people

So different that perhaps they belonged together

Or who were so wrong for each other

They were bound to crash and burn.

Two people

Damaged, stubborn, fragile, lost, distrusting, isolated, independent, fearful, strong-willed, heartbroken, misunderstood

Passionate.

Two people

Who once loved and laughed and held hands

Made love

Made plans

Who were fiercely passionate and in love

Are now alone.

Two people

Will never be the same.

Just another sweet and touching picture I love.I adore animals... cats, dogs and pretty much all animals.

This……

Can Men and Women Ever be “JUST” Friends?

When Harry Met Sally:

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don’t.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: No you don’t.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail ’em too.
Sally: What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Harry: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.
Harry: I guess not.
Sally: That’s too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

I know many will disagree, but ask yourself this:

If you were drunk, would you sleep with your ‘friend’? Under any circumstances, would you ever have sex with your friend?

You know the answer is yes. You would have sex. And that makes a true friendship between men and women impossible.

Harry is 100% right. Men and women can never be JUST friends.

Before you start leaving 47 comments about how you disagree, consider this:

My last boyfriend of two years had a female ‘friend.’ Turns out he was fucking her for the entire time he was dating his previous girlfriend. Then he started dating me. At that time, I had no idea he was fucking his “friend.”

He tried convincing me over and over again that they were “just friends.” Then he went on an overnight trip with her. While we were dating.

A month later, he went on a longer trip with her. They stayed in the same hotel room. For five nights.

At the time, I loved him and I trusted him.

I wanted to believe him so badly that “nothing” happened between them.

But it turns out they were not ‘just friends’ and they never were.

We broke up 6 months ago and he immediately started seeing her and having sex with her again.

Last night was New Years Eve. I invited him over to have a nice dinner with my girls and I, in an attempt to make amends.

My daughters were so heartbroken when he moved out, I thought I owed it to them to try one more time.

Love means trying. Not giving up on someone, even when they’ve hurt you.

Love means second and sometimes even third chances.

So I invited him for NYE to mend a fractured relationship because a part of me still cares for him.

But he turned me down.

He chose to take his ‘friend’ on an overnight trip so they could ring in the New Year.

Together.

They have been ‘friends’ who have been sleeping together for 3 years.

Three years. Including last night. New Years Eve. The biggest night of the year.

Now try convincing me they are ‘just friends’.

Happy New Year.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2178297/What-Harry-told-Sally-right-Why-man-just-friends-woman–attraction-gets-way.html

From When Harry Met Sally. A very difficult movie to watch when you are going through heartbreak.

From When Harry Met Sally. A very difficult movie to watch when you are going through heartbreak.

The Girl in the Cafe

I received a DM this morning  from one of you wonderful, amazing people. It touched me so, I asked him if I could share it.

Here it is:

I just wanted to say hi and maybe brighten your day. Let me tell you why…

One time I was in a little cafe on Christmas Eve and I saw a girl at a table in the corner looking at her phone…

She was crying. She was trying to hide it but she couldn’t. I saw this and it broke my heart.

I wanted to say something… Anything… But I didn’t. And to this day, I still regret it. That was probably 12 years ago.

So… I just wanted to say hi. And just know you’re not alone, even though you feel like you are. My thoughts are with you.

Merry Christmas.”

One short message from a stranger, can make someone’s day. This was simply too beautiful not to share.

Thank you, R. Xoxoxox

I took this photo of my daughter. She looked so sad. It seems fitting...

I took this photo of my daughter. She looked so sad. It seems fitting…

Pretty things

December 2012: One of the low points in my life. I had lost my job earlier that year and now it was almost Christmas.

I wanted to hide away from the world. Not only because of the embarrassment and shame that accompany hard times, but mostly to focus on getting my life back together.

I took my daughters to the Family Dollar Store to buy some packing tape. Possibly the most depressing store ever.

I found two kinds of tape. One was $2.99 and the other was $1. I joked to the clerk that I was too poor to afford the $2.99 roll as I paid for the $1 roll. After we left, my older daughter (who was only 10 at the time) said “Mommy! Don’t tell people we’re poor!” Clearly, I had embarrassed her.

A week earlier, I created an eBay account. Being out of work meant I had to start selling some personal things. In just one week I had sold two items. I was excited, until I got to the post office and spent $18 for postage on an item I had only charged a $3 shipping fee for. Live and learn.

As soon as I got home, I immediately readjusted the shipping fees on all my other items.

Which brings me to the rings. Years before, my ex-husband had given me a beautiful 3-stone engagement ring. One large center diamond, representing the present and two smaller diamonds on either side, representing the past and the future.  The other was a beautiful custom made engagement ring given to me by a man I dated for 4 years after my divorce. A beautiful 1.5 carat cushion cut diamond, surrounded by beaded diamonds and a diamond wedding band to match.  It was beautiful. I tried to return it to him after we broke up, but he insisted I keep it. Both gifts from men who had loved me at one time. Now gone, but with memories still attached.

I never imagined I would have to sell such things, but I never imagined a lot of the hard times I’ve faced in my life. Sometimes things just happen. Reluctantly, I posted both sets on eBay. The custom set alone was worth well over $5,500, but I asked for less than half.

Being new to eBay, I assumed no one would buy them, so I took them to a local jewelry store. The appraiser took all four rings (two diamond engagement rings, and two bands) to a room at the back of the store. A few minutes later, he returned and offered me only a small fraction of what they were worth. I knew his offer was unfair, but before I could think, I heard myself say “Okay.”

As I left, I suddenly felt sad. It wasn’t that I would miss the rings (I hadn’t worn them in years), but that each one had a string of memories attached. Like the warm spring day when my ex-husband got down on one knee to propose, and all I could think about was how corny he looked. (Maybe I’m just an awful person.)

Or the December day, when I was pregnant with my first daughter, and lost my engagement ring. We had been Christmas shopping all day. I never realized it was gone until after we’d returned home. We spent hours that evening, driving from store to store, retracing every step and scanning the parking lots, searching but never found it. The next day, on Christmas eve morning, I took the dog outside for a walk.  And there in the grass, reflecting in the morning sun was my ring.

Or the day my ex-boyfriend threw the ring box at me and said “Here. I got you something.”  A gorgeous engagement ring, custom made just for me and how he threw the box at me. So terribly romantic. Anyway…

I had always imagined passing my rings and all my other pretty things, down to my daughters. Not that I owned anything spectacular, but each piece had meaning.

And now they were gone. And that made me sad.

But when you’ve been unemployed for 6 months, and it’s 3 weeks before Christmas, diamond rings don’t seem all that important anymore. Not to me, anyway. I used the cash the man at the jewelry store had given me to buy Christmas presents for my girls.

Gifts for two deserving little girls who still believed in and were expecting the arrival of Santa? Or a few rings?

To me, the answer was obvious.

To most people, a ring is a symbol of everlasting love. But to me, a ring is simply another pretty thing that you can wear. Perhaps nothing more.

I’d give up a hundred rings to have just one person who won’t abandon me when things get tough. Someone who will always be there to support me, no matter what.

No material object – and certainly not any kind of ring – can ever replace that.

I’d rather have a man strong enough to hold me when it feels like my entire world is falling apart. Or when it feels like I’m falling apart.

I’d rather have the love and support of my best friend and lover holding my hand, every single day. Because rings and objects don’t mean anything when you’re alone.

In the end, all that really matters is having the people who you love, standing beside you.

And no piece of jewelry could ever be worth more than that.

 

Photo credit: the-collectiveonline.com

Photo credit: the-collectiveonline.com