I Always Fall for the Average Guy

I’ve dated. A lot. Hot guys, average guys, tall and short guys, smart and nerdy guys, quiet and shy guys. I’ve dated American guys, Canadian guys, British guys and Swedish guys. Okay, only one Swedish guy, but still.

I’ve dated lawyers, engineers, a Secret Service agent, a construction worker, a fireman (he was sweet), rich guys and poor guys. I even dated a body builder, who not surprisingly was dirt poor. We all label people, but the body builder was actually one of the most sensitive guys I’ve ever dated. We were together for almost 4 years. You don’t spend years with someone simply because their body is perfect, because I could have cared less. I stayed with him because he was respectful and sweet.

I’m a sucker for sensitive, funny and sweet. Throw in cute and it’s so over.

I’ve been quite fortunate to have traveled quite a bit during my life and I’ve met many men.  But you don’t have to travel far to find the guy who thinks he is super hot. You know: the one who also comes with a super sized ego. They’re the ones who get the most attention – good and bad – and more often than not, the equally superficial girls.

Personally, I think it’s the average, guy-next-door types who are the real hotties. Because understated is sexy and an overblown ego is not.

The Average Joe. What makes him so special?

How many times have you seen a drop-dead gorgeous girl with an average looking guy? It happens all the time.

Why? Because he’s really not that much different than someone like Steve Carell.

I recently told a guy he reminded me of Steve Carell and his response was “Fuck you.”

But not an angry Fuck you. More of a Haha, that’s funny fuck you.

Either way, why would any guy be offended by that? I’m betting that 90% of women reading this would love to date Steve Carell.

Am I right, ladies?

Steve Carrell is funny and smart and so fucking cute. But he’s not so disastrously good looking that it has totally gone to his head.

He’s also a family man (which is a rare find these days), a doting husband, successful, and all around great guy. All of which makes him the poster boy for the Average Guy.

But most importantly, Steve Carrell is respectful and humble. And those two qualities are ultimately what separates the jerks from the nice guys.

It’s not how a man looks. It’s how he behaves.

Gorgeous or not, women don’t want any guy who is full of himself. Women want a gentleman. They want a man with manners. They want someone who can make them laugh. And someone who can laugh at himself. Women want a man who is real.

Let’s face it, some guys simply try way too hard. I once dated a guy who wore more self-tanner than I do, bragged about his pricey custom made clothing and had an apartment that resembled a hotel room suite. Zero clutter. And zero personality.

We met on a dating site (and I admit, I winked at him first, because hot) and before we ever went out, he sent me an email saying he would never date a woman who had children because he was admittedly “too selfish.”  So I left it at that and moved on to the next profile.

Two weeks later, he emailed me again saying he would make an exception to his “never date single moms” rule and asked to meet for a drink. And although I should have seen the red flags waving, I’m the kind of girl who says “Fuck it”, so I decided to give it a whirl. On our first date, he spent an hour talking about the beautiful, but very dumb woman, he had dated the year before. He admitted she was completely clueless, yet she was “so beautiful.” His “Russian Princess.”
Apparently Russian Princesses are unable to operate an “oven” and don’t know how to “mail a package” (his words, not mine).

It amazed me that a man as educated and intellectual as he was, had wasted 2 years of his life with someone so incompatible. But at least she was hot.

I couldn’t get past the fact that looks were more important to him than a woman’s intelligence and personality.

We dated briefly, and although he wasn’t a bad person, he also had a huge ego. He genuinely thought he was hot shit in his $500 shirts.

PS: The GAP has those exact same shirts for like $30 on sale.

Confidence is sexy, but cockiness is so very not. Next, please.

It’s not difficult to find a hot guy or a pretty girl. Good looks are pretty standard these days. But finding someone who you can actually connect with, someone who makes you laugh, someone down to earth, someone kind, who you can have a stimulating conversation with, someone smart and funny, and someone that accepts you exactly the way you are, is not easy to find.

I once had a guy ask me for full body photos and one additional photo of my ass (yes, a close up of my ass) before he would agree to meet me. He justified himself by telling me he needed to know if he would be “attracted” to me. (I really hope my Mom isn’t reading this. Look away, Mom. LOOK AWAY.)

And I hate to admit this, but I sent him a photo of my ass in sexy underwear. Fuck, I hate myself. (Again with the whole “Fuck it” thing.)

I’m not proud of that – and that is the one and only time I have ever done that – but if I had to do all over again, I would have told him “No thanks” and moved on to the next person. Live and learn.

It sometimes feels like you have to look like a model to get a mans attention. Being smart and funny and interesting simply isn’t good enough anymore.

You have to be all of those and be beautiful, too.

Another guy’s dating profile read: “I don’t want a woman who’s a 10. I want an 11.”  Seriously?

Sadly this is what dating has come to.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Steve Carrell never asked Nancy Walls (his wife of 18 years) for an ass pic before he decided to go out on a date with her. But I could be wrong. Maybe he’s more of a boobs guy.

Guys who put that much importance on how someone looks could care less whether you dropped out of high school or have a Masters in Astronomy.

And they probably don’t care that you spent 2 weeks volunteering in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina or that you spend one weekend a month volunteering at a soup kitchen.

None of that stuff matters.

However, your body better be perfect.

I think most average guys genuinely appreciate a woman. And they’re respectful.

I wonder how Mr. Send Me an Ass Pic would feel if some guy asked his daughter that same question.

Average guys explore a woman’s mind. They ask her questions.

Instead of asking what her ass looks like, they are more likely to ask her what her favorite book is.

They don’t care that you’re not a super model. But they will tell you that you’re imperfections are what make you beautiful.

Because they’re not perfect either.

No matter what someone looks like (hot, average or otherwise), I honestly believe that like attracts like. I think self-centered people attract equally self-absorbed people. Ego attracts ego.

And I think nerdy, sweet girls attract equally nerdy and sweets guys. And so on.

And that’s probably a really good thing.

Because if that’s true, all of the vacuous Barbie dolls will end up with Mr. Look At The $500 Shirt I’m Wearing, leaving all of those cute, sweet, and funny average guys for the rest of us.

Lucky us.

Dear Steve, if you and Nancy ever split up, please call me.

Steve_Carrell

My Perfect Man: The handsome and charming Steve Carell.

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How To Date A Jerk

Original title: How To Snag a Good Jerk Before All the Best Ones Are Taken. 

Why would anyone want to date a jerk?

Besides the fact that they are impossible to avoid, the truth is jerks can actually be very interesting people. They can be well read, smart, funny and charming.  They can make you feel really great about yourself, too. Right up until the time they start lying to you. And the cheating part isn’t much fun, either. It’s easy to overlook the negative when we only see the positives. Sweet. Romantic. Sexy. Generous. Thoughtful. In fact a jerk will use those great qualities to lure you in.

Nice smile = I bet he’s nice. He’d make a good boyfriend. Sexy = I bet he’s a great kisser. Sweet = Oh, he told me I was beautiful. *swoon* Thoughtful = He sent you a “Good morning” text. And he sent you your favorite flowers on your birthday. Generous = He took you to dinner and ordered the most expensive wine (all 4 bottles) and now you’re too drunk to drive and that’s not safe, so you should probably stay at his place tonight and OOPS, now you’re naked in his bed. How did that happen?

See what I mean?

I’m certainly not saying that having sex makes someone a jerk. One of the most meaningful relationships I’ve ever had started out that way (sort of, but not really). The point is it’s the ones who keep you guessing all the time, the ones who disappear for weeks & months at a time, the ones who can never give you a straight answer: All jerks.

It wasn’t easy becoming an expert on jerks, but somehow I managed. And the truth is, if we ever rid the earth of all the jerks, there would be very few men -or women- left. Dating jerks can not only be entertaining and fun (in the beginning) but it’s practically impossible to avoid, so choose wisely.

The key is picking the best ones. Jerks come in all shapes and forms. So at least try and choose one that treats his mother well and bonus points if he likes animals. But avoid the Deadbeat Dads at all costs. They fall into the Complete Loser Jerks category, another variety altogether. At least the jerks I dated all had jobs. Well, most of them.

The descriptions I’ve provided are broad, based on my own experiences, so the ones you meet may vary slightly. Here’s a quick overview, from least jerky to most jerky (although 1 and 2 might be tied for equal jerkiness):

How To Spot a Jerk:

1. Mr. Perfect 

Ah, Mr. Perfect, aka: Mr. Great Hair. He has all the physical qualities of The Perfect Man: the fabulous hair, a handsome face, he’s tall, and has a fit body. Physically ideal from head to toe.  He’s successful, has a great job, the modern bachelor pad, the fancy car, the designer clothes, the whole deal. This guy will make all your friends jealous. I mean, what woman would NOT want to date him? He’s never late and he plans every-single-thing (aka: boring). But, he’s too perfect. And he expects you to be perfect, too. Because he suffers from Narcissistic Perfectionism, he will end up criticizing and critiquing every single thing you do. Nothing is ever good enough for him because everything has to be done his way, perfectly. He has to be right all the time and he will remind you constantly. Because he’s unable to appreciate an independent minded woman who thinks for herself. Ultimately, he’ll end up with a beautiful, yet completely vacuous and dull girl, and they will live a very uneventful life together.  The bad news: She will bore him to tears and eventually, she’ll walk away with half of his money. And maybe his fancy car, too. So much for happily ever after. The good news:  He will always have great hair.

2. Mr. Charming

Aka: Mr. Sweet Talker. This guy thinks he’s God’s gift to women. And quite frankly, he could probably charm any woman (or man) into bed.  And he probably already has. If black books were still a thing, he’d have a list of fuck buddies 1,908 pages long. And he keeps his phone locked for that exact reason. He is an expert at schmoozing everyone: men and women.  Which is how he got you. He charmed you into thinking he’s Mr. Faithful, but he’s not.  Far from it. I mean a guy this great should be in a committed relationship, right? The reason he’s still single is because he can’t stay faithful to anyone.  He’s so charming, that even his lies sound believable. He’ll tell you (and all the others he’s sleeping with) how “beautiful” and “special” you are. He uses both reverse psychology and self-deprecation, to appear humble. He’ll tell you how awful he treated his ex, how HE screwed up, and how it was all HIS fault. He’ll tell you how much better he is now, how much he’s learned and how much he’s GROWN from that experience. He’ll say he’s a better man now and blah, blah, blah. He knows exactly what to say to charm you. Right into bed. It’s easy to fall in love with a sweet talker but he’s too in love with himself to love anyone else. He isn’t looking for a real relationship: just another fuck buddy. He’s having sex with so many women, he will slip up. And if you question him, he’ll schmooze and lie his way out of it, attempting to distract you with his charm. So be smart and don’t fall for that crap, beautiful. PS: You’re really special.

3.  Mr. Excuses

Although he’s so sweet and thoughtful in the beginning, you will soon find out that Mr. Excuses (aka: Mr. Liar) has a reason for everything. He had to cancel your date because “He has a big presentation at work tomorrow.”  He still texts other women because “They’re still just friends.”  He can’t see you next week (or the week after that) because “He’ll be out of town on business.” He isn’t looking for a girlfriend because “He needs to find himself first” or “He’s still trying to get over his ex.” He won’t commit to the relationship because “He might get a job in Timbuktu and they only cover a one-way plane ticket and it would break his heart if he moved away and couldn’t see you again.” He had sex with another woman because “You two were fighting and he was out of town and he had too much to drink and it didn’t mean anything.” He can’t invite you over to his place because “He got fired, got arrested, spent all his money on whores and now lives in his mother’s basement.” He has naked photos of other women on his cell phone because “He’s a jerk that has been lying to you and blahfuckingblah.” Need more examples? I think we covered this one.

4. Mr. Sensitive

More like Mr. Insecure. Don’t let his sweet sensitivity, good manners and his soft spoken demeanor fool you. This guy would actually be really great IF he didn’t have so many insecurities and issues. We all have shortcomings, but this man is defined by his. Maybe it’s because his mother didn’t love him enough, or it might be the voices in his own head. More likely it’s a combination of multiple things. The fact is many people have had a crappy childhood. Maybe it was sexual, mental or physical abuse or a parent who was never around. It could be a million things. We are all shaped by our past experiences. And while some people are capable of overcoming a difficult past, sadly some people are not. Not everyone is mentally equipped to conquer their emotional demons. (Which is why they invented THERAPISTS.) The worst part is that because of his issues, this man doesn’t respect himself, so he is incapable of respecting you. He is incapable of reciprocating love. He will most likely drink and use drugs as a source to cover his pain. Sadly, his issues combined with his alcohol and drugs use, will always keep him down. No matter what he tries to convince you of, his demons are his own. It’s actually difficult to find any humor in this one. So unless he seeks counseling and changes, this is one to definitely avoid. *waves 47 red flags* This man needs empathy, but more than anything, he needs to be left alone. RUN, FORREST, RUN.

__________________________________________________________

After reading over all four (because I’ve only slept with four guys in my life, ever) it appears that many of the guys I’ve been with, all actually cross over into multiple categories. I imagine my exes reading this and trying to guess which one they are. The truth is, many men (and women) are smart, charming and sensitive. We have all lied at some point in our lives. So all four of the men I’ve been with – and everyone on the face of the earth – could potentially fall into 2 or 3 different categories. Including Mr. Control Freak and Mr. Immature. (Okay, FINE. I slept with six guys total. Whatever.)

It’s easy to label someone, but we are all human and everyone makes mistakes. And I could be labeled, too. Every person who has ever dated has committed some relationship crime. But the difference is I never cheated.  I never had an adulterous affair and I never saved the naked pictures as proof.  I was never unfaithful.  It was their own behavior –  the lying and the cheating – that ultimately destroyed every relationship.

Once someone has cheated and lied to you, it’s almost impossible to ever go back.

As you can see, I have had a very positive, happy and successful dating history. It makes you wonder why so many women call men names like jerk or liar, doesn’t it? I guess that will continue to remain a mystery.

The bottom line is that it all comes down to respect and honesty. Respect someone enough to always be upfront and honest with them. No hiding, no lies, no secrets. And if you can always do that, you might just become the Best and Most Honest and Loving Jerk Ever.

Next: How to REFORM A Jerk and Make Him a Better Man. Who knows? Anything is possible.Xoxo

111Dating_Jerks
Disclaimer: All names and identities have been changed to protect the jerks in each description, because jerks deserve privacy, too. Plus, I don’t want to get sued. (Again.) As I wrote this draft, I actually had each guy’s real name next to each description. So if there’s a way technology can go back in time and find that draft, revealing each one’s actual name, maybe I will end up getting in trouble after all. Oh, well.

Final Note: Given everything, I still believe in love. And more importantly, I think most men do, too. Even the jerky ones. Xoxo -MMP

11Jerk

111My_Fish_Died

Brokenhearted Girl

Nothing is more irresistibly beautiful and alluring and empty and sad

Than a brokenhearted girl

Nothing

She is hopeful and hopeless

Passionate and depressed

Nostalgically longing for the past

As the days and weeks trample her shattered dreams

One by fucking one

Until one day she wakes up

Surrounded by strangers and noise and interruptions

Swirling all around her

The wind, tossing her hair

Longing to touch her beauty

She rejects them all

Instead, choosing her memories

Imprisoned in her own mind

Tragically, courting her own sadness

 

– MMP

11Dress_BW_

Can Men and Women Ever be “JUST” Friends?

When Harry Met Sally:

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don’t.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: No you don’t.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail ’em too.
Sally: What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Harry: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.
Harry: I guess not.
Sally: That’s too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

I know many will disagree, but ask yourself this:

If you were drunk, would you sleep with your ‘friend’? Under any circumstances, would you ever have sex with your friend?

You know the answer is yes. You would have sex. And that makes a true friendship between men and women impossible.

Harry is 100% right. Men and women can never be JUST friends.

Before you start leaving 47 comments about how you disagree, consider this:

My last boyfriend of two years had a female ‘friend.’ Turns out he was fucking her for the entire time he was dating his previous girlfriend. Then he started dating me. At that time, I had no idea he was fucking his “friend.”

He tried convincing me over and over again that they were “just friends.” Then he went on an overnight trip with her. While we were dating.

A month later, he went on a longer trip with her. They stayed in the same hotel room. For five nights.

At the time, I loved him and I trusted him.

I wanted to believe him so badly that “nothing” happened between them.

But it turns out they were not ‘just friends’ and they never were.

We broke up 6 months ago and he immediately started seeing her and having sex with her again.

Last night was New Years Eve. I invited him over to have a nice dinner with my girls and I, in an attempt to make amends.

My daughters were so heartbroken when he moved out, I thought I owed it to them to try one more time.

Love means trying. Not giving up on someone, even when they’ve hurt you.

Love means second and sometimes even third chances.

So I invited him for NYE to mend a fractured relationship because a part of me still cares for him.

But he turned me down.

He chose to take his ‘friend’ on an overnight trip so they could ring in the New Year.

Together.

They have been ‘friends’ who have been sleeping together for 3 years.

Three years. Including last night. New Years Eve. The biggest night of the year.

Now try convincing me they are ‘just friends’.

Happy New Year.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2178297/What-Harry-told-Sally-right-Why-man-just-friends-woman–attraction-gets-way.html

From When Harry Met Sally. A very difficult movie to watch when you are going through heartbreak.

From When Harry Met Sally. A very difficult movie to watch when you are going through heartbreak.

Sex, Porn, Love

Sex, Porn, Love

This is just like Eat, Pray, Love, with the exception that it’s absolutely nothing like that. Do I need to include a NSFW disclosure? Done. So my ex had a porn addiction. Collection. Whatever. Let me preface this by saying I … Continue reading

Serendipity, Happenstance and Love

I discovered a new blog today called One Thousand Single Days. A young woman, now divorced with two young sons, who has committed to spending the next 1,000 days to being single.

An excerpt from her blog: 

“One thousand days of being single… No men, no dating, no flirting, no kisses, no romantic love, no valentines day, nothing.

I intend to use this time to address some of the issues I have… I am very stubborn… I have shockingly low self esteem, I get jealous, I can get really angry….
I want to learn to be whole.”

Her words touched me. How well I could relate.

http://onethousandsingledays.com/what-does-one-thousand-days-even-mean-2/

My blog is not nearly as well-laid out as hers is. And I barely have any followers. But those things do not matter to me.

My main focus is picking up the pieces of my broken life. And not just simply putting them back together again.

But creating a new picture.

I do not want to go back to the insecure little girl who grew up feeling ugly and different and misunderstood.

I want to create something new. A new life that fits the new me: the me who is alone again, who lost her job. The me who thought she’d found the love of her life, who has now since disappeared.

The me who has two beautiful, sweet little girls who make me realize that each day is a gift, and should never be taken for granted.

I do not have the luxury of being a 27 year old woman who can devote 1,000 days to being single.

Instead I want time and chance, or serendipity, to choose my fate for me.

Serendipity: A “happy accident” or “pleasant surprise”; specifically, the accident of finding something good or useful while not specifically searching for it.

There are no guarantees of tomorrow. Even those who have found love today, are not promised a forever.

The only thing we have control of, is how we view each opportunity presented to us. The man who says he will end up alone, is right. He will end up alone.

The woman who says she will find love again, is right. She will find love again.

The person who sees beauty in the ordinary, will also see the possibility of the future.

Things happen for a reason. That is something I will always believe.

Each experience leads us to a better understanding of ourselves, and presents a new opportunity for tomorrow.

You can’t fast forward to the next chapter of your life without first experiencing the now.

Puzzles are intricate and challenging. But piece by piece a beautiful picture begins to unfold.

It’s impossible to make some pieces fit. So toss them aside and make room for those that will. Something better.

Believe that all things- good and bad- happen for a reason.

* * *

A scene from Serendipity: a man and woman meet. Strangers, both engaged to marry others, who are immediately attracted to one another.

The woman, Sara, decides that if they were meant to be, destiny will bring them together again. Ether now or in the future. They know only a few pieces of information about each other, not including the other’s last name.

They scrawl their full names and telephone numbers on a $5 bill and a used book. Sara believes that if they are destined to be together, one of them will find either the book or five dollar bill by happenstance. But only IF they are meant to be together.  Without any contact information, they part ways.

Sara: You don’t have to understand. You just have to have faith.
Jonathan: Faith in what?
Sara: Destiny.

* * *

Last spring, my boyfriend planned a trip for us to Colorado. He put it on his credit card. A week later, I went to the bank and withdrew five one hundred dollar bills.

I was happy in love. I recall the five crisp $100 bills. As I sat at my desk one afternoon, I took a black Sharpie and in perfect handwriting I wrote “You” on one, “are” on another, “so” on the third, and finally “SEXY” on the fourth. On the fifth, I wrote his name, “Adam.” I embellished each one with red hearts. Silly, but sweet.

The next day, I gave him the five bills. He smiled and kissed me.

Right before our trip, I discovered that he was still on a dating website. I was devastated.

I told him I could no longer go on the trip with him and one morning before work, I stopped by his house. Without a word, he handed the five $100 bills back to me.

I was upset. Distressed. Beyond hurt.

Later that week, my daughters and I stopped at a Burger King drive-thru.

I reached into my purse and pulled out the folded $100 bills. I hesitated for a moment. Then without a second thought, I handed the teenage boy at the window the one marked “sexy.” It was emblazoned with big red hearts. My daughters, who rarely miss a trick, noticed it and started questioning me.

A minute later, the boy handed me back my change. We drove home.

One by one, I spent all of the $100 bills, saving the one marked “Adam” for last.

As I type, those five $100 bills are all floating around now.

* * *

I’m going to the bank. Maybe today.

I’m going to withdraw $100. Maybe three $20 bills, some tens and fives. Who knows? On a select few, I am going to write…. something. I’m not sure what yet.

Maybe some statement or word that perhaps trigger a memory that only he would know the meaning of.

Then I am going to spend them. All of them.

Not right away, but over the next few weeks or so. At the grocery store. At the mall… I’m not going to plan where. Just where ever.

Will he ever come across one of them again?

When he stops at Best Buy to pick up a new cell phone charger, will the clerk hand him one?

One night when he’s hungry and decides to stop at Taco Bell after work, will he receive one back in his change?

Or maybe some night, when he takes a new girl out on a date, he’ll pay for their drinks.  He’ll order a gin and tonic. Or maybe a beer.

No, he’ll definitely want to impress her, so he will order the gin. Or perhaps Scotch on the rocks.

The bartender will hand him his change back. He’ll mindlessly shove the bills into his pocket and go back to his date.

She is pretty. She has a nice smile. At that moment, she is all he will see.

The next day he’ll go about his day. Laundry day will come. Or maybe he’ll decide to wear those same jeans again.

He’ll pull them on. Later, he’ll reach into his pocket. And then. He will see it. On a five dollar bill. Or maybe on a ten.

My handwriting. My words. He’ll see me.

And he will……?

What? I don’t know. Maybe nothing. Or maybe… something.

Corny, I know. But more like close to impossible.

Or maybe not so impossible.

Whatever happens after that…. I choose to let fate decide.

Serendipity or not.

When Love Is (Or Isn’t) Enough

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  The story of a couple who meet, fall in love and break up.

Their break up is so painful they both decide to undergo a procedure that erases all memory of their relationship.

After their memories are erased they become strangers and go their separate ways.

But they meet a second time and are instantly attracted to each other, as if meeting for the first time.

The movie ends there, suggesting they fall in love all over again, despite their past.

The whole thing- falling in love, meeting a second time and being given a second chance- is appealing on many levels.

Most people have one person they wish they could have a second chance with.

A past relationship that was electric and exciting and passionate that you wish you could do it all over again. Even if there was some bad mixed in with all the good.

No relationship is ever perfect and every couple encounters problems and misunderstandings. People change, circumstances change and feelings can change, too.

And a history that took months and years to build up, can all fall apart as easily as a sand castle being washed away by the tide.

You might try and save it.  You grab your bucket and add more sand.

And things are good again. Maybe not as perfect as before but there’s still a lot of good left so you both hold on.

But the issues and the tide will reappear again. And unless both people are trying to fix it, you realize you can’t do it alone.

The whole situation can seem impossible and overwhelming. And sometimes it’s easier to walk away when you feel hurt, even if you love someone.

But after some time has passed, you start to miss the other person and maybe even wish you had a second chance.

But what if all your bad memories-  every fight, every lie, every hurtful word ever spoken – were all erased.

What if you met again as strangers without a past.

Maybe this time you would both be different.

Maybe if enough time had passed and if your experiences had changed, maybe you’d both be better.

Maybe. Or maybe erasing the past wouldn’t make any difference at all.

Don’t mistakes teach us what not to do next time and how to be better?

How would we know what to do differently if there were no past to learn from?

Maybe a second chance with someone wouldn’t be wonderful at all.

To go through the hurt and pain of breaking up all over again? No one would ever choose that.

And what if the other person walked away without a fight. Or they treated you badly the first time?

If they really loved you, wouldn’t they have tried harder and treated you better? Would it be any different the second time?

It takes mutual love and respect and the effort from two people, to build the relationship and to protect the sand castle.

These are all just words and words don’t really mean anything unless the person who they are meant for actually reads them.

And even if they read them, there are no magic words that can change the past and make things work. Not even “I love you,” not even “I’m sorry,” and not even “I really wish we could start over again.”

Love isn’t always enough and some things were just not meant to be.

What does matter is finding someone who won’t give up on you. Even after you’ve messed up.

Someone who is as passionate about you as you are about them.

Otherwise, all you end up with is a pile of useless fucking sand.

“If you love something, let it go.

If you don’t love something, definitely let it go. Basically, just drop everything, who cares.” – B.J. Novak

 

I Love You, by Banksy, canvas print.

I Love You, by Banksy, canvas print.

 

   http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2954530560/tt0338013

The Player

“I was a drunken whore master.”

These were Todd’s exact words to me, describing himself. [This is a post about him, a guy I’ve known for years, who repeatedly tried to sleep with me and repeatedly failed.]

I was impressed with his honesty. It also made me laugh. It was funny.

And also sad.

But there are thousands of Todd’s. They are everywhere.

Guys who would fuck any girl who is willing to put out.

And according to Todd, most girls are easy prey. All he’d have to do was buy them a few drinks and tell them they were pretty.

Two shots later and BOOM. She’s naked in your bed.

“So easy”, he’d say.

But empty. Sad. Pathetic.

Todd slept with 2, 3, sometimes even 4 girls, in a single week. Leaving a trail of broken hearts and some very confused and upset women, along the way.

He didn’t care. He didn’t want any girl. He just wanted to get laid. He talked about it as casually as discussing the weather.

Then one day, after a bad day at work, he stopped at a bar. He’d stopped there a 100 times before. He had seen her there a few times.

Sometimes they’d even make small talk. That particular night, the bar was empty. He moved a seat closer.

He bought her a drink.

She smiled and thanked him. One hour turned into two… Two drinks turned into… many.

He couldn’t remember the details. “All I remember is her….”

That night, Todd took her back to his apartment. On the way, he stopped at a liquor store. He ran inside and minutes later, returned with an expensive bottle of red wine.

“I don’t care for red,” she said.

“Should I run in and get you a bottle of white?” he asked.

He aimed to please. She politely declined. They left.

Todd had all the things you would imagine a Player to have: a brand new loaded BMW, a great apartment, an amazing job. And he was very attractive.

Short, dark hair. Perfectly dressed. Expensive jeans. A sexy, striped button down shirt. His eyes were dark. Smoldering.

He stared at her. She knew exactly what he was thinking. 

He popped open the bottle of wine.

She was nervous. She guzzled it to calm her nerves.

They made small talk. He moved closer. She darted away. She needed more wine.

She looked in his refrigerator. It was overflowing with beer and little else.

More wine. Flirting. Kissing…

Two hours later, they were naked in his bed. A huge beautiful, antique-looking wooden mirror leaned up against his wall. An odd piece for a Player to have. It showed he had dimension. Some class. An appreciation for beautiful pieces of old furniture.

She liked it.

She grabbed her black dress and heels, got dressed and left. She needed to go home.

He stood in the doorway, barely clothed and watched her walk to her car. He missed her before she had even left.

Todd stopped seeing other women. All he could think about was her.

She wasn’t the most beautiful girl. But she was quite striking. Soft blonde hair that grazed her shoulders. Pretty green eyes.

Her body bore the faint scars of having children. It was not perfect. He didn’t care.

He thought she was beautiful.

And she was smart, funny, cute.

Irresistible.

He couldn’t stop thinking about her. He wanted to see her again. He needed to see her again.

Soon.

He couldn’t wait. He texted her and emailed her. Sent an extravagant bouquet of calla lilies and white roses to her at work.

What the fuck had happened to him?

He didn’t even recognize himself.

Soon they were seeing each other frequently. The sex was amazing. Electric.

But it was more than that.

He was falling in love with her. And she felt the same.

Todd had never been the romantic type. But one night he told her: “I care for you so much, it scares me. I want you to know how much I love you.”

She was touched. “You are amazing, Todd.”

He replied, “No I am NOT amazing. When I look at you, all these words just come pouring out of me. I’m not amazing. I’m just being genuine. This is what you do to me. This is how you make me feel.”


If they are lucky, even the most promiscuous man (or woman), will meet a person who will change them.

Turn their world upside-fucking-down.

The trick is finding a person who will reciprocate that all-consuming love.

A person who earns it. Respects and protects it.

Makes you feel like anything is possible.

If you find that… hold onto it.

Never let it go.

[Update: A few months later, this girl dumped Todd and completely broke his heart. Perhaps proving that karma does in fact exist. I don’t know. It’s not for me to say.]

The Taste Of You #MMCM Mirtha Michelle: Mirtha Michel, Michel Castro, Letters

The Taste Of You #MMCM Mirtha Michelle: Mirtha Michel, Michel Castro, Letters

 

 

The Game Changer

Fresh out of college, with my biology and education degree, I got my first real job: 7th grade science teacher. I was ECSTATIC.

Not just any job, but an actual job in my field. Little did I know how much that year would change my life.

I had 6 classes, each class separated by ability: in other words, a school’s practice of separating students into different classes, based on their academic ranking. [Academic ability grouping, as it’s called.]

Tony was in the highest group [the ‘smart’ group]. A class clown, wise ass, popular, charming, trouble maker– and he hated me. I can’t recall any specific incidences. But I do recall giving him after school detention. Frequently.

I got engaged that spring and at the end of the school year, I moved to DC.

On the last day of school, I vividly recall sitting in my empty classroom and crying. It had been a great year. I had become close to many students, most of who were in Tony’s group. I would miss them all. Notably, Tony’s group.

Years passed and one of my students invited me to their high school graduation. It was a 9 hour drive but I very much wanted to check up on my “kids.”

So I went. I was amazed at how they’d grown. I saw Tony after the graduation ceremony. He and several other boys apologized to me for their disrespectful behavior that 7th grade year. It made me feel good knowing they were regretful. My kids had grown up.

More years passed. I joined Facebook and within the first year, I had tracked down many of my former students, including Tony. We loosely kept in touch via FB status updates. Tony’s FB page was filled with pictures of he and his buddies partying and drinking, acting… well, their age.

More time passed…

I caught up with Tony again recently. We found each other again online. He told me how he had met a beautiful woman. He sounded different. Serious. Mature. Afraid to lose this gem he had been so lucky to find.

We briefly updated each other on our lives. I told of him of my recent breakup, and he told me about her. She was divorced, had children. His days of wild parties and drinking were now behind him. I was amazed at the transformation, clearly brought about by this woman. He told me he was afraid of failing her. “I am totally happy with her,” he wrote. “And I hope I can make her as happy I am. She is a game changer.

I was amazed at his articulation of his feeling for her. His adoration of this woman. In a world of promiscuity, cheating and adultery, here this young man of only 29 had discovered his forever love it had seemed. He was aware of what he had found in her, and was afraid to lose her.

When I asked him what made her a game changer, he replied, “She is special in far too many ways for me to even begin to list. She makes me feel great, every single day, every time I am with her, even when I receive a text from her. She is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

That was it, it seemed. It’s not the most perfect or the hottest person you fall in love with. It’s the person whose inner beauty transforms you. The person that makes you feel the most beautiful inside, who brings out the best in you.

And that is what changes everything.